Lifting the Veil
Sometimes you don’t realize where you are until you leave that place. Can you imagine feeling like you are in an abyss, but having to pretend that you are on top of the world? You don’t know why you can’t seem to enjoy the everyday moments that used to bring you so much joy. From the outside looking in, your life seems to be going pretty well. But on the inside, you are a shell of your former self.
This is what depression feels like.
There was a point in my life where I was in a dark place that I could not decipher. It seemed that every time I got alone I wanted to stay that way. I began to shut myself off from the rest of the world. I would get invited to parties or gatherings and have absolutely no desire to leave the house. If my phone rang, I didn’t have the energy to answer it and hold a conversation. I was reduced to communicating with people via technology only. The only way someone would hear from me was either by text message or email. I didn’t want to talk and I didn’t want to hear anyone’s voice. I used all of my energy to fake my way through the day. I had nothing left by the time night fell.
I have never been a person to self-medicate, but this time in my life brought different types of prescriptions or over-the-counter drugs. Any inkling of pain was masked by alcohol and legal drugs. Every opportunity I had, I overindulged. I would go from one extreme to another, either filling my body with toxins or starving myself. I was so upset that I could not even force myself to eat. This caused me to lose a large amount of weight in a short amount of time. If I was not at work, I was sleeping. I could not get out of bed to do anything other than the bare minimum. Going out and putting on a happy face was becoming increasingly difficult and my nights became tear-filled and sleepless.
I was using all of my energy pretending that I didn’t have the time to examine myself!
All of my behavior was self-destructive. One thing led to another, but I couldn’t stop the freight train from moving. This was not something that happened overnight, it was a sum total of years of deterioriation that was coming to a head. When my husband left the country and we decided that I would stay behind and work, everything came crashing down. I thought I was sad because we were apart, but that was a mere factor in the state of my soul.
Until recently, I had not realized what I was going through. I had been afraid to admit that I was suffering from depression. But the longer I denied it, the longer it took God to heal me from it. When I was honest with myself, God was able to come in and rescue me. I was trying to handle something on my own that was never meant for me to carry. Psalm 55:22 says, “Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall” (NLT). This doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t have gone through depression, but I could have taken comfort that God would take care of me while I endured it.
You don’t have to pretend that you are not hurting because God is a Healer. He will heal your broken heart and make you whole. Today I am able to see where I was broken and where God came in and changed my heart and healed my emotions. His love is more than enough to supply your needs.