The Gift that Keeps on Giving
by Pam Farrel
We give newlyweds the book, The First Five Years (Hachette), to help them lay a foundation for a successful marriage that expresses God’s purposes.
Focus on the Family has noted that 20 percent of all marriages end in the first five years. So, if laying a strong foundation is a wise choice in those early years, it’s also wise to revisit what builds a strong foundation and ask ourselves if we possess the four cornerstones that create lasting love that are the G.I.F.T. to enjoying a lifelong love.
We will examine four areas that create the G.I.F.T.
Get in the Game
Invest in Your Sex Life
Figure It Out
Tough on Me, Tender on You
Get in the Game
Relationships run well if you follow the rules. Just as an athlete has to compete according to the rules of the sport, your love will work best when you follow the guidelines God set in motion.
Couples fall into affairs because at least one of them believes they are “above the rules.” God reminds us all to, “guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Prov. 4:23).
Invest in Your Sex Life
Invest time, energy, and creativity into your love life so you can create a strong emotional, spiritual, and physical bond. These bonds will remind you how much you love each other. First Corinthians 7:5 says, “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” We have noticed that prayer and sex are often the first two tools to drop out of a busy couple’s schedule.
As newlyweds, we read a statistic that at a hotel that was host to a clergy conference, the in-room porn movie use went UP when those men came to town. This startling sentence stuck with us as an early warning to protect our love from outside influences. If you or your mate struggle with porn, seek professional help.
Figure It Out
Every healthy decision you make together will help you gain confidence that you truly can work together. Every unhealthy decision swallows up energy and erodes trust. One of the best decisions we ever made was to develop relationships with professionals, mentors, and other friends in ministry to provide us with a sounding board of wisdom. God’s Word instructs us that there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors.
Tough on Me, Tender on You
Couples who have remained in love for a lifetime are people who have said, I will be tough on myself, but I will be tenderhearted toward my spouse. Relationships thrive in an atmosphere of forgiveness, grace, and mercy that is accompanied by a fierce, individual commitment to personal growth.
When Bill and I sat down to outline The First Five Years book, we asked ourselves, “What one skill do we possess that has carried us through 28 years of marriage?” It was our decision to be tough on ourselves when a mistake was made. We demanded that we do what God commands: “grow in grace.” If we needed to grow as individuals, we each were hard on ourselves until we saw improvement in that area that would safeguard our love. At the same time, if our spouse made a mistake, we’d extend to him/her the same grace and mercy we hoped we would receive if the mistake were ours.
These four skills form the G.I.F.T. that enriches love year after year. Teach the G.I.F.T. method to premarital classes and others you counsel, but take the time to ask, do we hold the G.I.F.T. too?
Rules for the Mnistry-Minded Marriage
- Never criticize the other in public.
- Have a “secret code” that means “Can I talk to you in private before you go on?” (ours is a hand signal).
- Pray together daily (or more often).
- Protect your marriage with healthy boundaries with others (we are never alone with a member of the opposite gender in a private space/time of any kind).
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