This story discusses suicide. If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
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After Ryan died by suicide, my heart was too wounded and broken to remember what was good about living. And although God has taken those broken pieces and created something new, it was hard to completely give myself back to Him. I pondered these words from C.S. Lewis, “We’re not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we’re wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
I knew I would never be the same again. I had been a self-centered Christian whose prayers were more of a proclamation and presumption that I knew God's will. I had been a believer since my youth and had experienced the Jesus movement of the sixties, and the prosperity gospel movement. I could never reconcile the suffering in the world with the life I was living. There was little humility.
When my son died, my entire paradigm fell to pieces beside my aching heart. I was in utter darkness without hope. How could suicide happen in a Christian family? Where was God, my deliverer? If He was there, why had He abandoned us? I had nowhere to rest until I could find God once again.
I read C.S. Lewis voraciously─his atheistic account of the universe being homogenous matter on the idiotic face of the universe─we would all come to nothing, our stories would come to nothing. I felt adrift in this same reality. This was the darkest place I had ever been. "The dark night of the soul," says St. John of the Cross.
Desperate for any ray of hope, I read also of Lewis’s conversion to Christianity. He tells how he came to a revelation that there was a God, from a simple deduction that just thinking about God was a reasonable proof that God existed. Where had this thought come from, if not from outside himself? Coming to faith in God and specifically the Christian faith, was the most reasonable choice. If this man who had not believed in God came to faith, surely, I could reach out to find faith once again. Theologian Peter Kreeft says, “Any faith that can die, should die, because it is not faith, but platitude, soporific or wishful thinking. Real faith cannot be shaken 'because it is the result of being shaken.' ”
I cannot live without God. Whether or not I find answers as to why Ryan took his life, I once again find comfort in God and in learning to trust Him. Trust is the firm belief in the reliability, ability, or strength of someone. That Someone was with Ryan when he died and is with me as I continue my life’s journey. I still believe.
If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at: 988 OR 800-273-TALK (8255)
~ By Desiree Woodland. Desiree is an author. After Ryan's death, she wrote the book, I Still Believe. After 19 years, she retired from teaching to promote the use of a curriculum in New Mexico schools called “Breaking the Silence NM,” which teaches students mental illness and suicide awareness. Additionally, she is on the board of Survivors of Suicide in Albuquerque and facilitates a mother’s survivor group, as well as being part of the outreach program for newly bereaved survivors of suicide loss called Healing Conversations. She holds a master’s level certificate in Grief and Loss. Her writing has been published in Grief Digest and local publications. She attends Hope Church. She and her husband, Gary, live in Albuquerque, NM. They have two children.
