It was an ordinary Tuesday evening during my junior year of college, and my friends and I were enjoying good conversation over dinner in the dining commons. We chatted about homework, fun weekend plans, and of course, our love interests. I certainly didn’t hold back as I updated my friends about the cute guy from class!

As we slipped on our jackets, I grabbed an ice cream cone and turned the corner toward the door. Then, out of nowhere, it happened. I bumped straight into… him. My ice cream cone collided with his chest and dropped to the ground. Though I couldn't have predicted it at that moment, this guy, the cute guy from class who now had chocolate ice cream all down his shirt, would propose to me exactly 18 months later, and the following summer we’d be married.

Sounds perfect, right?

Except there’s just one problem. None of that happened.

When I entered college as an 18 year old, I assumed that a great love story would materialize without much effort and that I’d be a wife and mother by the time I turned 25. The truth is, I didn’t even get close to dating in college, and my 20s were dotted with a fair share of false starts and rocky breakups. As I survey my life now as a 30-year-old woman, I’m as single now as I was back in college (but I am the proud owner of two cats who adore me, so that counts for something, right?).

For the better part of those 12 years between the past and the present, I was convinced that my life was on hold until “the one” arrived on the scene. It was as if I was running laps around a track while God held a stopwatch, with our conversation sounding something like this:

“Where am I at, God?” I’d yell breathlessly over my shoulder as I rounded the corner for what seemed like the hundredth time.

“00:00!” He’d yell with an enthusiastic thumbs up.

“But I’ve been running for hours! Why haven’t you started the clock?” I shouted back as I felt the sting of a blister forming on my left heel.

“The clock starts once you stop being single,” He’d yell. “These laps don’t really matter, but just keep running!”

And so, with that imaginary “00:00” branded on my internal world, my external world manifested the fear I felt. Because I was holding my breath waiting for “the one” to arrive on the scene, I denied desires and opportunities that could in any way interfere with that stopwatch starting. I perceived God’s perfect will for my life to be as fragile as a piece of china.

LEARNING TO FLOURISH 

And then one day, after living small for a number of years, I had a vision. I pictured myself as an old and still single woman at the end of my life. I pondered what it would be like to survey the mountain of unlived life I unconsciously created in an attempt to find “the one.” I wondered what it would be like to hope and wait for something that never materialized, and have nothing to show for the years I was given. The sensations of emptiness and regret were palpable.

Though perhaps a little grim, I found my vision compelling enough to jolt me awake, kick me into gear, and learn what it meant to flourish as a single woman. I started acting as though the gun had been fired and the stopwatch was already ticking.

As I started out on the race, I pursued a holistic type of well-being encompassing the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. My work on the emotional component in particular helped me experience a new, more enjoyable way to exist. With the support of a therapist, I began by cracking open my past and exposing its deepest pains in order to usher in love, truth, and healing.    Though it was painful, I slowly grew in self-awareness and began to understand why I gravitated toward dysfunctional relational patterns. And as I grew in self-respect, I became increasingly attracted to open communication, healthy boundaries, and appropriate conflict management. I also stopped blaming my relationship frustrations on others and instead took ownership; I recognized my power in pursuing quality friendships and relationships that would ultimately provide truer satisfaction.

A LESSON FROM RUTH 

A biblical character that has greatly encouraged me as a single woman is Ruth. While it’s tempting to gobble up the Ruth-Boaz romance and leave it at that, I find inspiration in the chapters preceding the triumph. If you recall, a string of deaths left Ruth, her sister-in-law, and mother-in-law all without husbands. Ruth had once enjoyed some semblance of security as a married woman, but was now left vulnerable with no protection. As a woman, to be childless and husbandless in ancient times was essentially a death sentence.

Under the weight of that heavy realization, Ruth could have easily folded. And yet, it was as if she could perceive the greater vision through the thick fog of grief. Despite her mother-in-law’s urging, Ruth refused to leave her family and would not pass up an opportunity to investigate a God who was rumored to be faithful. With her words, “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God" (Ruth 1:16), Ruth said “yes” to an invitation with no guarantee that things would work out in the end. She decided to stay faithful and explore what was unfolding right in front of her.

SAYING YES 

I want to be like Ruth. I want to be a woman who says “yes” to the adventures God places before me, even when it feels like my dreams are collapsing and life isn’t how I pictured it. I want to get into the habit of walking straight into God’s invitations, armed with the conviction that His plans and intentions are good.

Some time ago, I agreed in my heart, “God, You see my desire for marriage, but Your plans are better than mine. I say ‘yes’ to whatever story You’re writing for my life. Tell me what You want me to do, and I’ll do it, no matter how scary it may be.” Here are a few invitations God whispered to me in the years following that prayer: Push past your social anxiety. Face the pain from your past. Find your voice. Quit your nine-to-five job to pursue art and music full-time. Record your first music album. 

God is waiting for us to listen. What unique invitation is God whispering to you?

The desire for companionship and marriage is not bad; in fact, those desires reflect God’s communal nature and how humans are wired for connection. But far be it from us to let unmet desires hold us back from pursuing the healthiest versions of ourselves or impede the mission God planned for each of us long ago. Our lives, our voices, and our ministries as single women matter whether or not “the one” ever arrives on the scene. Let’s resolve to boldly participate in God’s beautiful adventures. The stopwatch is ticking─let’s get moving!

By: Kristen Kieckhaefer

FOR FURTHER STUDY

Read:

"You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand” (Psalm 16:11).

Reflect:

• How have I viewed singleness—as a season of waiting or as a season of thriving?
• What unique opportunities do I have in this season that I may not have if I were married?
• How can I deepen my relationship with God and live with more purpose today?

Pray:

Lord, help me to embrace this season of singleness as a time of purpose, not just waiting. Open my eyes to the opportunities You have placed before me, and fill my heart with joy in Your presence. May I trust that my life is full and complete in You, whether I remain single or not. Help me to walk confidently in Your plans and say ‘yes’ to the adventures You place before me. Amen.