A friend’s son tragically, unexpectedly dies. You want to extend sympathy, but you’re at a loss for words.

Someone in your neighborhood is battling cancer. You want to convey support, but what should you say?

Finding ways to express ourselves in difficult situations seems daunting. So much so, we may avoid the suffering person altogether. Or we may give cliché or insensitive responses that add unintended insult and injury to someone already in physical or emotional pain.

In his book, Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart: How to Relate to Those Who Are Suffering, Dr. Kenneth C. Haugk shares perspective he gained during his wife Joan’s 41-month fight with cancer that ended with her death.

“We learned what helped and what didn’t,” Haugk says in the book. “We cringed at the remarks of some and glowed with warmth at the quality of caring and relating by others … In the face of someone else’s great need, everyone intends well. No one plans to add to another’s hurt.” And yet, unfortunately, we’re capable of doing exactly that.

“All of us have room to grow in this area,” Haugk says. With that in mind, here are some suggestions:

1.  Keep it simple.

“Hello. It’s good to see you,” is a good start. Your next move may not be words at all, but a touch on the arm or shoulder. Then maybe, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or “I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.” You’re there to be a comforting presence, open to conversation, or accepting their desire not to speak. If it seems fitting, ask, “How are you holding up?” this open-ended question acknowledges the inherit difficulty of the situation, and invites the hurting person to share information or feelings. Haugk says, “Your immediate goal is simply getting them to talk about what is concerning them right at that moment.” Your quiet, compassionate, willingness to listen is enough. 

2.  Things to avoid.

Don’t try to fix the problem, give a pep talk, or share your own suffering story. Steer clear of the following: “I know how you feel,” “Time heals all wounds,” “This was God’s will,” “You need to be strong for ________,” “Well, at least __________.” Allow the hurting person to express whatever words or emotions come out without criticism or judgment. Haugk says, “Your ability to take bad news as well as good is such a gift to a suffering individual. Your openness to that person’s truth─ whatever it might be─gives them permission to be honest, to share freely, to save valuable energy."

3. Pray.

Silently pray as you listen to a hurting person, asking God to comfort them. Remember the Lord is faithful, near to the brokenhearted, able to work in every circumstance. He knows this person and situation thoroughly. He isn’t threatened by their anger, confusion, doubts, or questions, and neither should you be. Ask, “Would you like me to pray with you now? How would you like me to pray?” Include their wording and concerns in your prayer. If you offer ongoing prayer, keep your commitment. Drop a note after your visit letting them know you’re still praying.

4.  Offer additional help.

Your presence and listening is a gift. If you’re unable to be there, send a handwritten note. Facilitate meeting practical needs. Dr. Haugk’s research participants responded with the most helpful offers of practical assistance they received. The top five included: providing or preparing meals, caring for children, doing household chores, providing transportation, and shopping or running errands. Ask what would help most and make a plan. Check back as time goes by, especially after three months.

Scripture cautions us about extending false cheeriness that glosses over another's suffering (Prov. 25.20). Instead, prayer, carefully chosen words, and actions provide a comforting, healing balm to the wounds of someone else. 

A pastor who went through a heart-wrenching season of suffering put it this way, “I had people around me who kept showing me tangible, real, felt acts of a faithful, trustworthy God. Because of their faith holding me up, I was free to struggle, wrestle, fight, and finally, make peace with God.”

For Further Study:

📖 Read:

• 2 Corinthians 1:3–4 – Reflect on how God comforts us so we can comfort others.
• Proverbs 25:20 – Consider why misplaced cheerfulness can deepen sorrow rather than ease it.
• James 1:19 – “Be quick to listen, slow to speak…”—a helpful reminder when walking with someone in grief.

💭 Reflect:

• Think of a time you were comforted by someone’s quiet presence. What made it meaningful?
• Are there any common phrases you have used in the past that might unintentionally dismiss someone’s pain? What could you say instead?

🙏 Pray:

Lord, help me to be a vessel of Your comfort and peace. Teach me how to listen well, speak gently, and offer presence more than platitudes. Let my words be full of compassion. Use me, even in simple ways, to remind others that You see them, love them, and are near in their pain. Amen.