How do you love your enemies when they're in the church?
To admit as a ministry wife that I struggled with hate was very difficult thing to do. After all, we ministry wives are supposed to be filled with love, bubbling over with the joy of the Lord, and spreading sunshine to all who cross our paths, right?
Although I have always realized my humanness and struggle with sin, I’ve also been aware that many in our congregations don’t view us this way, and think that we as leaders are somehow exempt from these struggles, having it "all under control." It was especially encouraging to me when I confessed this to my husband and agreed to deny my feelings (to myself and my husband) when it was no longer of help.
It got to a point where not a week went by where she was not purposely doing something to sabotage our ministry there. Thankfully, God had His hand continually on the ministry because our ministry was well liked, appreciated, and we remain well respected there. Although we were present to people to present our defense in response to the lies, many people came to us and told us the things they were saying, and we just assured them that they weren’t true, which they already knew when they approached us. However, we continued doing everything in our power to try and make things go the other way.
As time went on, it got harder and harder for me to even think a kind thought about this person. In fact, one time I remarked to my husband that after church if a Mack truck ran over her husband (that I couldn’t mention in church), I would probably rejoice! My husband smiled (he knew I was joking), but, in fact, I’d probably expressed my feelings far too much.
Then, a little voice inside my head said, “I know you have the power to change your attitude toward this woman. You can forgive her. But what would Jesus do?” Jesus never let those thoughts dominate His heart, even when they were after Him, and He would be the first to tell me that I needed to take the advice He used to love the "lovely" ones.
Remember Above All — “Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean They’re Right.”
My liberation came when a friend shared something with me. As a minister’s wife herself, she too had struggled with this, and she told me, "Forgiveness doesn’t mean they’re right, but it sets you free." What a release! I had always (wrongly) thought that forgiving someone meant that both parties admitted that they had done some wrong in the situation. That’s not always true. Someone else can still be 100 percent wrong in a situation, and we can (sometimes) be 100 percent wrong, and still forgive. We may be wrong for hating, or for bitterness as a result of the situation, but not wrong in the original situation itself. Acknowledging this liberated me. I could forgive this woman, but it didn’t mean that I was "backing down," or "giving in," somehow.
But how was the question.
Feed Your Mind with Truth.
Write Scripture on a small paper and stick it to your bedroom mirror (if necessary) or on a special piece of paper. Call it your “special piece.” God has called me to this ministry. "No weapon formed against me shall prosper."
Don’t Dwell on the Problem Person.
Make a special date with your husband or friend to go out and have a great time — without the kids. Don’t talk about the “problem person.” Instead, talk about how special you are to each other, and other things that bring life into your marriage and ministry in the upcoming months.
Have a Plan to Battle Negative Thoughts.
Take a long hot bath or shower, and make sure to have a tape player nearby. Play some favorite music, and anytime you are tempted to think of “that person” or “the situation” let your mind sing loudly!
Call Another Ministry Colleague and Share in Confidence with Them Your Struggle.
Pray together for your complete healing and restoration. Make a friend who understands, who you can trust to see how to make it in this Christian life.
Set Yourself Free to Forgive.
Jesus taught us about forgiveness. Take His example.
Remember That the Battle is Bigger Than Just You or Your Husband.
This person is probably struggling with many other areas in his or her life, and is taking things out on you. It’s hard not to take ugly accusations personally, but try your best to understand why this person acts as he or she does. Look at the overall person, how he or she relates with his or her job and family, not just what you know of him or her at church. You’ll probably find some striking similarities.
Hold Your Head High, and Don’t Allow This Person to Rob You.
The thing he or she would love most is to get you down-trodden, depressed, and tempted to give up your ministry. Go on and do what you normally do in the church, and don’t give the slightest impression that you are aware that this person is trying to discredit you. Another ministry wife gave me a great piece of advice one time: “Smile. It makes people think you’re winning.”
*Name withheld as the sensitive nature of the article.
For Further Study:
📖 Read:
- Colossians 3:12–14 — We are urged to clothe ourselves daily with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, binding them together with love.
- Romans 12:17–21 — God calls us to refuse retaliation, choose peace, and overcome evil with good.
- Ephesians 4:31–32 — We are instructed to put away bitterness and anger, instead offering kindness and forgiveness as Christ forgave us.
💭 Reflect:
- How does understanding that “forgiveness doesn’t mean they’re right” free you to obey Christ’s command to forgive?
- How does remembering that “the battle is bigger than you” help you see the person with compassion rather than resentment?
🙏 Pray:
Lord Jesus, You know the hurt and weariness that comes when others oppose us—especially within the church. Teach me to love as You love, to forgive as You forgive, and to keep my eyes on You rather than on the wounds others cause. Guard my heart from bitterness. Fill my mind with Your truth, my mouth with words of grace, and my life with the fragrance of Christ. Help me to hold my head high, not in pride, but in the confidence that You have called me and will sustain me. Amen.
