Do you ever feel like you’re in one of those wind tunnel cash grab machines—only the cash is everyone’s opinion? Some hit you in the face, others swirl around making no sense at all, and sometimes you catch just what you need. Yet, there you stand, trying to grasp what's going on around you.
This is how I feel when big issues come up. Maybe it’s abortion, gun control, racial justice, politics, healthcare, vaccines, or some other issue our culture has divided over. I have been learning to slow down, listen, and ask questions in a way that doesn't make others feel defensive. It’s not an easy skill to learn, and I’m still growing.
As Board President of a pregnancy center in Milwaukee, it’s my privilege to assist a ministry in the pro-life mission field. The label “Pro-Life” has taken some serious heat lately, hasn’t it? Yikes. The assumptions that follow hearing that I volunteer for a pregnancy center are pretty incredible. I’ve worked hard to disprove many of those assumptions, helping people see beyond the stereotypes and into my heart for others.
Instead of labeling myself pro-life I choose pro-abundant life. Not just pro-birth, anti-choice, or anti-abortion.
People will say some crazy things from all perspectives, and I’ve said some crazy things to people too. If we’re to have healthy and respectful conversations, it starts with controlling our tongue.
James 3:5-6 is enlightening and terrifying at the same time: “… the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”
Matthew 12:36-37 doesn’t mess around either: “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified.”
We can do serious damage with our words! So, how do we have healthy conversations without traumatizing others or burning bridges?
Recently, a friend posted something on Facebook that I was unpleasantly surprised by. It was hurtful, and while it wasn’t directed towards me, it hit me personally. I usually scroll by and make some silent judgments about them (not recommended), but this was different. I wanted her to understand how her post made me feel, because I doubt, she would have shared it if she knew my heart's response. We’ve worked together to bring unity on other fronts; I know she’s not ill-willed. So, I sent her a message and kindly shared that it was hurtful. She graciously apologized and took it down, admitting that the issue at hand really triggered her and caused great distress. I asked if she would be willing to chat sometime so that we could see the issue of abortion through each other’s lens. I wanted to understand how two people with good hearts could be polar opposites on an issue. We agreed that we would not walk into the conversation trying to change the other person, but simply to gain understanding and perspective. We set a date to meet, and I’m sure we both lost some sleep thinking about what we would say, how we would say it, and how this was going to go.
My very pro-choice friend was willing to meet me at Care Net Pregnancy Center in Milwaukee to take a tour and see what we do. After the tour, we talked about a variety of things over coffee. We both shared our hearts for the hurting, our opinions about policies, our faith in God, and our hopes for the future. It was very pleasant and enlightening, and I cried on the way home, so thankful that we didn’t let our opinions—though vastly different—drive a wedge between us.
While not all conversations will be that healthy and pleasant, I’ve learned a lot through this and other recent conversations.
8 Keys to Having a Civil Conversation When You Disagree
1. Meet in person when possible.
Try to use virtual calls when it’s not. There’s something priceless about being able to see into the eyes of the person you're talking to. Your tone of voice is also important, helping the other person know how what is being said should be taken. A unique option is a free app called MarcoPolo that allows you to send video messages and respond when you can. If you do better having time to think before responding, this is a great option.
2. Take your time.
If the conversation gets heated, take a break! Come back to it at another time when you can both talk coherently and maturely. Sometimes it’s okay to table the topic for another time. Do not rush into difficult topics.
3. Assume the best in each other.
Just because someone is pro-choice doesn’t mean they hate children and likes to kill innocent babies. No pro-choice people I know personally think that way. Their lens tends to focus on different issues related to the topic, such as the foster care system. Similarily, if someone is pro-Life it doesn’t mean they think women should be controlled and stay at home in the kitchen. Are there ill-willed people in this world that believe these things? For sure. If that is the case, sitting down for a civil conversation with them may not go the way you hope.
4. Do not go into the conversation trying to change their minds.
If that’s your goal, you may need to reschedule for when you’re in a place to listen and understand their perspective. Unless you’ve signed up for a debate, being willing to accept the differences of opinions will be very important.
5. Know what you believe and why.
Do your research. Know facts, don’t just make assumptions. Research what they believe. Listen to or watch opposing views to gain insight. Be willing to learn and grow.
6. Ask someone to pray for you during your conversation.
Don’t overshare, just mention that you are walking into a potentially challenging conversation, and you’d like to honor God in all you say. Recently, I had a challenging phone call with a friend who was angry and said some hurtful things. I vividly remember being weirdly calm about it all. My sin nature does NOT usually let people speak to me that way. Yet, a smile came across my face, knowing God was in this with me. I was amused by it, fascinated by my own response! When the call ended, I called my mentor friend and told her what had happened. She stopped me mid- sentence: “BETHANY! My husband just walked in here about that same time and said we should pray for you. He doesn't even know you or this situation!” Goosebumps and tears flooded my body. They were praying me through it, and I didn’t even know. God confirmed that I had done the right thing and I thanked Him for His peace. God had His arm around my shoulder and His hand over my mouth. He’s so good.
7. If you mess up, own it.
Ask for forgiveness and try again. If they mess up, forgive them. Every second of unforgiveness that goes by, Satan wins. Don’t give him that time.
8. Be prepared for an emotional hangover.
The day after a difficult conversation can be hard. The time spent preparing, the emotions of anticipation, and the let down at the end no matter the result can seem exhausting. Fill your mind with holy things and pray for your friend—who is also probably processing.
Be Bold. Be Brave. Be Kind.
For Further Study
📖 Read:
🔍 Reflect:
- How have my recent conversations reflected (or not reflected) Christ’s love?
- Which of the eight steps do I need to grow in most?
🙏 Pray:
Lord, You know how easily my words can wound. When emotions rise and opinions differ, help me pause and listen well. Fill my mouth with wisdom and my heart with compassion. Teach me to speak with kindness, even when I feel misunderstood. Let my words bring light, healing, and life—just as Yours always do. Amen.
