Hello, my name is Lysa, and I am a divorced woman.
For a long while, I couldn’t say those words. I couldn’t wrap my brain around the word divorce being attached to my life. So, my therapist, Jim, told me to say, “the death of my marriage.” That helped. But just changing the phraseology didn’t change the intensity of my shock and pain. And it didn’t take away the many questions I had about how God could let so much devastation happen after I had tried incredibly hard to honor Him and do the right things.
When you’re in the throes of heartbreak, even if you feel firmly planted in what the Bible says, sometimes the suffering can still feel incredibly intense. It can seem like God is not intervening on your behalf. For me, doubting that God was with me through the divorce wasn’t the issue. What broke my heart over and over was the fact that I deeply believed God loved me, cared for me, and was all powerful, and yet in some situations it felt like He was doing nothing to help me. I remember writing in my journal, God sees me, God knows what’s happening, and He is in the process of delivering me. But after writing these statements with confidence, I felt increasingly confused. I was writing what I felt I should say but not what I really felt.
Tracing God’s Faithfulness
Hard things just kept happening. Then one day I picked up my journal and realized I could no longer write about the faithfulness of God. I put my pen down and wept. Why isn’t God stopping this? Why is He allowing this to continue?
Maybe you’re asking questions of your own today in the midst of a Christmas season that feels anything but merry and bright. I’m not going to attempt to give you a pat answer and spiritually tie this up neater than it ever will be. Even now, I still don’t have answers to many of the questions I asked God. I want us to table what we don’t know so we can be more productive with what we can know. One practice that has helped me tremendously is what I call “tracing God’s hand of faithfulness” where I intentionally remember what God has done in the past.
Sometimes memories are painful. But the kind of memories I’m talking about are the ones where you can now see how God was doing good when nothing felt good to you in the moment. Pick one instance, big or small, where you have a new perspective and can thank God for how He worked things out. You can also look for examples of how He’s shown up for His people all throughout Scripture. In doing this, we can live out Psalm 77:11, “I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
Reflecting on What God Has Done
The reason this is such an important practice is that when we forget, we maximize what problems we’re facing today while minimizing what God has already done for us and throughout human history. When I only focus on what is so terrible right now, I fill in the gaps, and I assume evil is winning and God is doing nothing. I forget we live in a world where sin runs rampant—not forever, but certainly right now—and there are things God does or allows that will not make sense to me in this moment and may not feel good to me at all.
When I look back at God’s past faithfulness, yes, there are still things I don’t understand, that don’t feel good, that I am grieving, and that don’t look like I hoped they would. But I remember He knows more than we know. And that sometimes we just have to leave room for the mystery of God and have faith in His power because He’s proven Himself faithful before, and He will again. I want to position myself in the place where I can look back and say, “My God, look at what You have done! You were with me. You were working things together for good. I couldn’t see it then, but I see it now!”
When I’ve been tempted to say, “Why does it appear God is not doing anything?” I should’ve actually said, “I do not serve a do-nothing God. He is doing something . . . I just can’t see it yet.” This doesn’t lessen my pain, but it does increase my faith just enough to get through the next day and then the next.
Friend, if you’re having a challenging time facing each new day, milestone, or holiday, please know, I understand. I still have to apply this freshly. But here’s what I want us to remember: Tracing God’s faithfulness from the past doesn’t fix our present hardships, but it does ground us and give us a little bit more strength for today and hope for our better future.
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Resource: For some, divorce can be amicable. But for many women it’s not. When you’re locked in a bitter battle with vastly different narratives and opinions about what should happen, divorce is not just the signing of a few papers. It’s another whole wave of heartbreak that feels even more magnified during the holiday season. Whether you find yourself facing the death of your marriage, still trying to recover years after your relationship has ended or struggling to know how to help a friend going through divorce, Lysa TerKeurst, Dr. Joel Muddamalle and Licensed Counselor Jim Cress have created a resource to support you every step of the way. In Surviving an Unwanted Divorce you’ll find answers for the hard questions you’re asking, scriptural guidance you’ve been searching for, and real hope that will help you move forward. Find out more and get your copy at www.survivinganunwanteddivorce.com.
