My family and friends all reacted differently when I told them I wasn’t straight. My brother made a pun about it. My parents were quietly concerned, not really understanding what I meant. My best friend waited for my panicked words to wind their way around to the point before saying, “I love you, and nothing you could say would change that.”
I needed that reassurance, because it was terrifying to tell anyone how I felt. I had grown up in a Christian bubble and had believed since I was young that gayness was a confusing choice that God didn’t like. People who existed outside the accepted norm of gender and sexuality were oddballs, destructive to others or themselves.
When I finally realized that I was one of them, I panicked. Every casually homophobic comment from people in my Christian circles stung so much more. I felt small and isolated, like an invisible spotlight could single me out for shame at any moment.
Then my pastor spoke from the pulpit against this group of people, his words instantly building a wall between me and the rest of the sanctuary as the congregants muttered agreement. What is the world coming to? What are those people thinking? I knew with sudden certainty that if the people around me knew I was gay, they would judge and avoid me. They wouldn’t want their children to interact with me. I would not be welcome in the community of God.
Protect the Outcast
LGBTQ+ people are at higher risk for mental and physical harm. We are more likely to be assaulted, attacked, or rejected, more at risk for homelessness and death by suicide, and many countries still imprison us or subject us to dehumanizing treatment.
It is possible that one of your loved ones is LGBTQ+ and simply hasn’t told you. We become skilled at sidestepping questions and conversations, staying silent, and marking people in our minds as unsafe to be honest around. Many of us fear losing family and friends.
Scripture commands us to “Seek justice. Defend the oppressed” (Isa. 1:17). We find continual calls to show God’s love both practically and spiritually, yet the Church has often mistreated and seen LGBTQ+ people as threats instead of people made in God’s image. “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. . . . My brothers and sisters, this should not be” (Jas. 3:9–10). Instead of welcoming, standing up for, and valuing LGBTQ+ people, the Church often paints us as shameful and casts us out for feelings we cannot control. This should not be.
What Can You Do?
1. Be kind with your words.
Don’t assume that everyone in the room is heterosexual. Would an LGBTQ+ person feel loved, respected, or welcomed by your words, or would they feel diminished, reviled, or dismissed? How do you speak about LGBTQ+ stories in the news, people in your community, or characters in TV shows? “The tongue has the power of life and death” (Prov. 18:21).
2. Express your love.
If your loved one tells you they are LGBTQ+, it is a treasured sign of vulnerability. Your loved one needs an unequivocal assurance of your unconditional love, backed up by consistent examples of that love. Tell them, “Thank you for sharing this with me. I love you no matter what.” Remember that your loved one is the same person they always were—you just know more about them now. “If I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing” (1 Cor. 13:2).
3. Listen.
When they share their experience, say, “That sounds so hard. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” Show that you value and respect their vulnerability with your attentiveness and lack of condemnation. Jesus treasures everyone’s story, and you should, too. “Every day of my life was recorded in your book. . . . How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.” (Ps. 139:16–17)
4. Ask questions.
Avoid assuming what your loved one’s label means to them. Words may not mean the same thing to you as they do to your loved one.
Ask questions out of curiosity, without demanding them to know the answers all at once. Ask your loved one, “How can I best respect you in this? How can I love you best around this topic?” They may not have an answer right away, but asking will show them that you care. “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).
5. Keep their confidence.
You may have heard the term, “coming out of the closet,” to describe someone telling people that they are LGBTQ+. Coming out rarely means that everyone hears all at once—it is more often an arduous, anxious, and continual process. Some people may choose not to come out to anyone, or only to a select group of people, for physical and emotional safety, career security, or a desire for privacy.
You may be tempted to broadcast your loved one’s experience to your prayer group, close friends, or family members, but never do so without their permission. To forcibly “out” someone betrays their trust and often has a deeply traumatic effect. “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret” (Prov. 11:13).
6. Prioritize Love.
Your loved one may expect Scripture verses to be used to attack or control them. Resist the desire to make sure that, above all else, their doctrine is “right.” They may agree with your interpretation of theology, or they may not. They may agree with you on some things, but not others. If your relationship becomes more about where you differ than about how you care for each other, it is not a relationship anymore. “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal” (1 Cor. 13:1).
7. Pray.
Instead of asking that God would change your loved one into the person you want them to be, pray that they will experience compassion, connection, and community. Pray that your loved one will always know that they are treasured by the God who made the universe—no matter what. “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge” (Eph. 3:17–19).
I hope that these suggestions will help you reach out in love to someone you know. Continually reaffirm your love, listen well, ask good questions. Read and research to learn more about your loved one’s experience. The Body of Christ is made up of people who disagree on many things—you don’t have to agree with your loved one to respect them as a person and care for them as a blessing created in God’s own image.
*Alexis Lyons is a pen-name. She is searching for her place in God’s story.
Editor’s Note: We recognize that this courageous woman is still on her journey, but it’s important for the Church to understand her wrestlings. Thousands of Christians have walked away from the Church because of the lack of love and compassion they have found there. Often the Church is heavy on truth and lacking in love. Let’s open our arms wide to these precious people whom God loves and who need a place to land in a community of compassion, prayer, faith, and love.
Just Between Us adheres to the historic Christian doctrine that marriage is between one man and one woman and all sexual behavior is meant to be expressed within the context of this covenant relationship.
For Further Study
📖 Read:
🔍 Reflect:
- Where have I unintentionally made someone feel excluded or unwelcome?
- How can I create space for honest conversations, even when I don’t have all the answers?
- Who in my life might need to hear that they are deeply loved by God—and by me?
🙏 Pray:
Lord, open my eyes to see others the way You see them. Soften my heart toward those I don’t understand, and help me reflect Your love with humility, compassion, and grace. Teach me to listen well, speak kindly, and create space for others to feel seen, heard, and safe in Your presence. Amen.
