As a young parent I was involved in a church that modeled everything I had been taught about sharing Christ’s love. One Wednesday evening during prayer, an older couple stood up and openly shared their heart with us. They explained to our congregation that their adult child had been charged with embezzling from her employer. It was a substantial amount of money, and she would most likely face jail time. As they explained, they made a simple request. They asked us to not gossip, but to pray. They were happy to share updates, but really needed prayer support to get through the coming difficulties. I was moved and had tremendous respect for their honesty and transparency. Their ability to share their burden made it easier for our church family to show compassion and support them through the crisis. I had no idea it was a parenting lesson I would need later in my own life.
Parenting a Transgender Child
Now, years later, when I find myself coveting the support, prayer, and love of my church family, I have not found my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ as receptive. I have an adult, transgender child. I have openly shared this with my faith community. I have not, however, shared how this affects us as Christian parents. As the transgender debate began to grow and spread across this country and people have become more outspoken about it, we found ourselves increasingly isolated. My fellow believers found it difficult to make space for parents who have a trans child.
I will admit that saying these words, ten years into this, leaves me feeling empty. My trans child graduated magna cum laude from a Christian university with a degree in Religious Philosophy. When we attended that graduation, our son was wearing makeup, fingernail polish, and very feminine clothes beneath his graduation gown. As we packed up the dorm room and prepared to return home, we were overwhelmed, shocked, and heartbroken. How do you face difficult topics with an adult child?
We dove in face first. This led to serious, sometimes heated, discussions. Our son began to share with us that he had felt like a woman for years and wanted to wear women’s clothes. We were heartbroken as we thought about our own dreams for our son. When we began to share this crisis with our church family—friends, Sunday school class, pastors—we watched them shrink away. We were in a crisis! We needed their love, support, understanding, and their prayers. Our child, raised in our faith, needed these as well.
Parenting Amid Judgement and Fear
We live in a culture that judges everything these days. Our weight, choice of clothes, best social media presence, and our parenting. There is a pervasive feeling that parents do not want their children exposed to trans people or the LGBTQ+ community at large. I understand these opinions. I was protective of my own child growing up. When we were with our child, we began to experience the stares, mumbled words, and outright aggression others felt free to express. We watched as hate-filled and accusatory social media posts began to appear from our fellow believers, family, and friends. It was shocking to see and experience.
Misconstrued Proverb
I have parented with the godly foundation other believers follow, and as parents, we had tried to lead by being a godly example, but we were now questioning ourselves and many of the parenting choices we made. Well-meaning people were saying hurtful things. Those without good intentions felt free to be openly hostile and were quick to share their personal opinions. We had to cling to the faith we have in God’s Word.
As many parents facing a crisis do, we turned to Prov. 22:6 (ESV), “Train up a child in the way they should go, and even when they are old, they will not turn from it.” For years I thought of this as an insurance policy for parenting, but this passage that is often misconstrued. If the Scripture included a guarantee that children raised in a proper home by godly parents would remain true to their beliefs as adults, this would strip the child of their own free will. Free will is given to each of us individually. It is important to remember that this passage is a proverb and not a promise that God is required to fulfill for us. As believers, we need to show more grace and understanding to parents and stop laying the guilt of bad parenting on them. They already feel it!
Many parents follow the biblical examples of parenting yet have children who grow up to follow their own path. They begin to make choices contrary to their upbringing. Frankly, this happens often. Our adult children are making decisions that no longer include us. It is our Christian responsibility, and that of the church, to extend grace and to continue to show love through these times. Speak the truth in love and do it respectfully; that is a part of our responsibility as believers. However, we should not turn our backs on our children because we disagree.
God’s Parenting Example
We have a role model for this: while we sin, and God feels great disappointment in us, He never turns away from us. “The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness’” (Jer. 31:3). What a beautiful example of our heavenly Father’s never-ending love! We choose to model this. We want an open line of communication that is true to God’s Word.
Keeping the Faith
As we have watched family members turn their backs and our church shrink away from us, it has caused deep disappointment. We were longing for healing, comfort, and answers. We have prayed, and we continue to pray as we wait. Others that raised their children along with ours did not appear to be facing the trials we were facing. They appeared to be living the perfect family life. These comparisons left us feeling like we had failed in our parenting, but we are called as believers to live by faith. Faith, for us, means trusting God and the promises we hold true to in His Word. Doubt was easy. Doubting ourselves as parents, our faith journey, and our belief system—but allowing doubt to take root does not help you focus on the real issue.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance…If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (Jas. 1:2-3, 5-6).
So, we continue to seek God’s wisdom in dealing with a very difficult situation.
As we wallowed in disappointment at our parenting wish list, we were experiencing the hurt from our friends, family, and our church family not showing up. At some point, we could not hide from it or pretend we didn’t have it. In this critical moment, we needed help from them and from God. Admitting these emotions, raw and ugly as they were, was a first step. “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Ps. 34:18). We were holding on to unrealistic expectations and needed to let them go. We needed to forgive ourselves and others. It’s not easy to turn your disappointment over to the Lord, but it is necessary to move toward healing.
Called to Love One Another
“But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing and rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having hope of eternal life” (Titus 3:4-7). I love seeing the words “so that,” or “with the purpose of,” in this passage. This phrase reminds us that, in a broken world, we have the hope of redemption. He saved us with the purpose of being in His family. We are reminded of God’s grace that was given to us so generously so that we are equipped to show grace and love to others. John 13:34, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another” (John 13:34). When this commandment was given, it did not come with stipulations. Loving others can be painful. It requires you to open your heart and put yourself out there knowing you may not get back what you put in. Love requires us to be selfless and to think about the needs of others over our own. It may feel awkward, difficult, or challenging in the moment, but we are called to love others—even trans kids—with no stipulations attached.
Loving When it’s Not Easy
One of the most difficult things we have experienced as part of this journey is seeing our church act as if they were not able to, or not allowed to, show love to our trans child. Some have known and fellowshipped with our family and our child for years. I often wrestle with these questions: How do we as believers create a path that lets my out-of-God’s-will child know it is safe to return to God’s house? How do we support someone on a journey we do not agree with and continue to show the love of Christ? How do we show love to people we disagree with? How do we pray for people that we do not agree with?
The couple that stood up in our church and asked for prayer faced more difficult days, days I am sure they never expected to face when their child was young. Parenting is a difficult and worrisome process, but we should remain hopeful. “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Rom. 15:13). Now, that is a promise!
STILL TIME TO CARE
Transgender is one of the most prominent topics in cultural, political, and church discussions and debates going on today. Teri’s story regarding her transgender son is sadly much more common in the church among believers than most of us would imagine. According to the Trevor Project’s recent National Survey on LGBTQ+ Youth Mental Health, 1.3 million people identify as transgender in the United States and over 300,000 of them are youth ages 13-17. Alarmingly, 1 in 5 of these transgender youth have attempted suicide.
These are real people, 86% of them raised in the church growing up—loved dearly by God and made in His image. Most of them would not enter a church today because they feel hated and judged. Those of us who are followers of Jesus Christ have a great opportunity to reach out to this sexual minority who are experiencing rejection and alienation within the body of Christ.
I had the privilege of recently attending a Christian conference for believers who are LGBTQ+ and those who love them. All of them observe the historic Christian doctrine of marriage and sexuality. I listened to and visited with some transgender speakers and conference attendees. We worshipped and laughed and fellowshipped together. Such wonderful people who are living sacrificially to honor God. It made me so sad to learn that they had to be at a conference like this to actually feel safe among Christian people.
Fortunately, we can begin to encourage change and help welcome and start forming friendships and community with LGBTQ+ people, especially those who identify as transgender. Love, mutual respect, and acceptance go a long way in building relationships even when we disagree on some things. Below is a list of Christian resources to help you learn and grow regarding this very complex and complicated issue.
The good news is that there is still time to care and begin to make a difference in the lives of this people group who Jesus loves!
Transgender Resources
Books:
Embodied: Transgender Identities, the Church and What the Bible Has to Say by Preston Sprinkle
Understanding Gender Dysphoria: Navigating Transgender Issues in a Changing Culture by Mark Yarhouse
Emerging Gender Identities by Mark Yarhouse and Julia Sadusky
Guiding Families of LGBTQ+ Loved Ones by Bill Henson and Posture Shift Ministries
God and the Transgender Debate: what Does the Bible Actually Say About Gender Identity? by Andrew Walker. (This book has a very helpful chapter on talking to children about gender.)
Three Pastoral Papers:
“A Christian Survey of Sex Reassignment Surgery and Hormone Therapy,” “Challenges Faced by Christian Parents of LGBTQ +/SSA Children,” and “What Pronouns Should Christians Use for Transgender People?” (All listed under “Resources” at CenterForFaith.com.)
Webinar:
“Journeying with Gender Minorities”—Vimeo.com/OnDemand/Spring2022WebinarSeries
Video:
Parenting LGBTQ Kids (including three videos for parents of trans kids) ParentingLGBTQ.com
LGBTQ General Resources
Books:
People to Be Loved: Why Homosexuality is Not Just an Issue by Preston Sprinkle
Single, Gay, Christian: A Personal Journey of Faith and Sexual Identity by Gregory Coles
Gay Girl, Good God: The Story of Who I was and Who God Has Always Been by Jackie Hill Perry
Leading a Church in a Time of Sexual Questioning by Bruce B. Miller
For Further Study
📖 Read:
🔍 Reflect:
- Who in my life needs to know they are still welcome, still loved, even if we disagree?
- How can I offer the same grace God has given me?
🙏 Pray:
God, You know the weight I carry for those I love. When their choices break my heart or challenge my faith, give me the strength to hold onto truth—and the tenderness to never stop loving. Soften my heart where it has grown hard. Remind me that grace is never wasted, and help me to reflect Your patient, welcoming love in every moment. Amen.
