As a little girl, I loved nothing more than dressing up my Barbies in different outfits to go on dates with Ken in his fancy Corvette. Ken played a key role in the scene, otherwise who would Barbie be getting dressed up for? What would be the point of looking fabulous if there were no one to impress?
This love of fashion took me to an eventual stint as a fashion writer. It was the perfect job for someone who believed her sole value lay in her personal appearance. I became my own human Barbie doll, sculpting my body through over-exercise and under-eating and dressing to impress the men from whom I needed attention like I needed air.
Because I had so little self-esteem I thought I had to be perfect to be acceptable. The food restriction came not because of a comment anyone made but because I had started dating someone who always dated very thin women. I thought I had to compete with those former girlfriends, even though when he asked me out I was at my normal size. I think this shows how the stories we tell ourselves often have little to do with reality.
This was the beginning of me changing myself to fit into what I thought men wanted, of not asking what I wanted but of what I could do to make myself desirable for them. I gave myself away to boyfriends, and cohabitated with my husband before marrying him even though I knew that was the wrong thing to do.
That marriage produced two beautiful daughters, but the feelings of isolation only intensified with motherhood in which I had little emotional support and did not know how to reach out to get my needs met. It was during that time, while my children were at a play date, that I decided I would end my life and that they would be better off without me.
As I resolved to carry out my plan, a voice in my head told me Oprah was on and I should watch it. I hadn’t watched Oprah in years, but the voice wouldn’t stop, so I turned on the television to hear Oprah announce the show’s topic for the day—suicide survivors. I sat stunned as the guests shared their failed suicide attempts and urged anyone dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts to get help.
In hindsight, I know it was the Holy Spirit who nudged me to turn on the TV, but at the time I thought Oprah was my savior! I started watching her show religiously and following all the New Age teachers she followed like Eckhart Tolle and Marianne Williamson. While I was on this spiritual quest, the nudge came again and this time it said, “What about the Bible?”
So, I went to the local bookstore and purchased my first Bible and began to read it. When I read 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 I realized my body was made for more than objectification. It was not meant to be abused by under-eating and over-exercising and it was for no one’s pleasure but God’s. It was to be used for His purposes because it was bought with His blood.
That one verse had the power to free me from a lifetime of body image issues.
I immediately stopped starving myself and started to eat healthily. I gained weight and refused to look in the mirror with any judgment. I used to look at myself critically to see what needed fixing. Now I avoided the mirror except when necessary and started to dress more modestly.
God’s voice replaced my own internal critic and I heard encouraging words in my head for the first time in my life. Now I know I don’t need to look a certain way to win anyone’s approval. “People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).
