Shuffling through my ‘people to pray for’ notecards one morning, I sensed God’s holy invitation to add the name of a woman who had deeply wounded me.
“How can I pray for her” I questioned, “when it’s impossible to forgive what she did to my family?”
Offering forgiveness felt unreasonable. I had harbored hatred toward this woman for more than two decades and felt justified in my unforgiveness. I was doing just fine shouldering my backpack of bitterness, thank you very much.
Yet the Holy Spirit’s unmistakable prompting tugged at my heart. As I contemplated the idea of praying for her on a regular basis, my mind settled on a statement straight from the mouth of the One who died for my forgiveness.
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matt. 6:14-15).
As Jesus’ words sank deep into my soul, I whispered, “God, please forgive me for not forgiving her.” I didn’t want to forgive, but I knew I should.
It was then I realized not only was my unforgiveness a sin, but my heart had become so hardened by hatred forgiveness was impossible.
WHY SHOULD WE FORGIVE?
It’s simple: we must forgive others because God commands it. When we refuse to forgive, we are stuck in the sin of disobedience. Unforgiveness does more than keep us bound to sin. When we don’t (or won’t) forgive, our hearts become rock-hard, restraining us from walking fully in relationship with God, and making us believe we’re justified in our unforgiveness.
The whole reason we are given specific instruction in forgiveness is to get rid of what stands between God and us. If we want to mature in our spiritual walk, we must root out the unforgiveness that keeps us from experiencing the close relationship with God that we seek.
Whatever we’ve done and whatever our motivation was, He forgives us. And He expects us to do the same. Jesus commands us to “forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Col. 3:13).
HOW FORGIVENESS TRANSFORMS US
Many think that forgiveness only benefits the person who wronged us; however, the main beneficiary is us. When we choose to forgive, we undergo a radical transformation from the inside out.
Here’s how forgiveness transforms us:
- We are spared the consequences of living with an unforgiving, hardened heart such as becoming bitter.
- We feel our hearts soften and expand with compassion for our enemies.
- We experience God’s personal forgiveness more fully.
- We receive the healing and wholeness that comes when we extend forgiveness.
- We are freed from the burden of hatred and anger that weigh us down.
Doesn’t this kind of transformation sound good to you? If so, there are steps you can take to practice forgiveness.
HOW TO FORGIVE GOD'S WAY
In our own strength, we can’t truly forgive our enemies. However, we have the power of the Holy Spirit inside us, strengthening us to do what seems impossible. Let’s look at how we can forgive God’s way:
Remember God’s forgiveness.
God has forgiven us without hesitation or exception, and not just for the small, insignificant things; He forgave every offense we’ve ever committed or will commit against Him and others. Reminding ourselves that God forgave us can help us forgive others.
If we have been forgiven much, how can we do any less to those who have hurt us?
Confess your unforgiveness.
It’s necessary to confess our sin of unforgiveness and lay down our anger, bitterness, and hatred at the foot of the cross. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1John 1:9).
Only then can we receive the power to forgive others. Our enemies may not ask for or even care if we forgive them. But when we confess our unforgiveness, God will soften our hearts and make room for compassion.
Make the decision to forgive.
Forgiveness is more than just saying a quick prayer and moving on. It’s a decision we will need to make over and over again. The power of forgiveness releases us from a burden we were never meant to shoulder. When we decide to partner with the Holy Spirit, the process, though likely uncomfortable and painful, will usher in healing, peace, and potential restoration of a damaged relationship.
One caveat: not all relationships can, or should, be repaired. Though we forgive someone who has wronged us, it doesn’t mean their actions are justified. We can still forgive without restoration of a relationship.
Extend forgiveness first.
Jesus reminds us that we should extend forgiveness even before we go to God in prayer: “When you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins too” (Mark 11:25, NLT).
This is a clear instruction. It’s difficult to apply, but it’s so important that it’s in Scripture for us. As C.S. Lewis once boldly proclaimed: “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”
Forgive repeatedly.
We learn in the gospel of Matthew that forgiveness must be repeated when Peter asked Jesus how often he should forgive someone who sinned against him. Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matt. 18:22).
No matter how often someone hurts us, God expects us to forgive. We are not required to stay in relationship with them, but we are required, by God, to keep forgiving them.
Pray for our enemies.
Jesus directs us to “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven” (Matt. 5:44).
While it may take weeks, months, or even years before we feel anything resembling love for our enemies, remember that it’s hard to hate someone we actively lift in prayer. As you keep praying for your enemy, God will soften your heart and help you extend genuine love and kindness to them.
This is never easy, but it does get easier with practice. God will be faithful to you as you are faithful to Him in praying for those who persecute you.
The morning I made a commitment to pray for my enemy, I felt God chipping away at the crusty parts of my heart, creating space for compassion. Although I knew my anger wouldn’t vanish right away, as I confessed my unforgiveness and began to pray for her, my heart felt lighter.
I realized forgiveness now seemed possible.
God knows how impossible it looks to forgive someone who has deeply wounded us, but the One who forgives the unforgivable in us not only makes it possible. He grants us freedom and restoration when we partner with Him.
FOR FURTHER STUDY
📖 Read:
🔍 Reflect:
- Is there someone you’ve been unwilling—or unable—to forgive?
- What emotions surface when you think about releasing that burden?
- How might daily prayer soften your heart toward those who’ve hurt you?
🙏 Pray:
Lord, I’ve carried this pain for so long, and I don’t know how to let it go. I want to forgive, but I can’t do it alone. Give me strength through Your Spirit. Heal what’s broken in me, and teach me to walk in the freedom that comes through obedience to You. Amen.
