The walls were old hospital beige. The quiet was palpable. I sat alone, waiting. How did I get here? Had this really happened? I was forty-one. My mind and body were numb. "Dyann, the doctor will see you now." Nodding and frightened, I followed the nurse. It seemed forever before the doctor knocked on the door and entered. "Do you know why you are here?" he asked. "Yes, I think so." He proceeded, “Your husband has AIDS. You need to be tested as well. If you test positive, most likely your life expectancy will be three to ten years depending on how long you have had the virus. Do you understand?" "Yes." It would be weeks before the test results were verified. Even if they were negative, I would need to be tested again in six months for confirmation. It was 1987, and AIDS was exploding across the world. In those years, it was a death sentence. No one knew how to treat it or how easily it could be transmitted.
I had never felt so alone in my life. We had recently moved to a new community. We didn't have a church home; I knew no one. On our 10th anniversary, my husband told me he had tested positive for AIDS. I was numb; there were no words, no anything. I just mumbled, "I'm sorry." What was there to say? I had suspected for years that he had been unfaithful. It still astounds me that I knew, but I couldn't face it. I couldn't say it out loud. We were Christians. He had led most of our friends to the Lord. I was able to squelch the feelings, the suspicions, and the fear until a new fear, a terrifying fear, began to surface—AIDS. The news was beginning to report cases of women contracting the virus from their husbands. I couldn't ignore the obvious any longer. I had two young sons, and the thought of them orphaned was the tipping point. Silence and denial were no longer options.
The exhausting journey for emotional and spiritual survival began once I received the confirmation that I had tested negative for the second time. Now what? Many questions filled my mind. There was the classic query we all ask when our life falls apart with a phone call, diagnosis, betrayal, or pandemic. Why? Then there are the other questions. Is God good? Is He faithful? Does He love me? Can I and will I trust Him through the unthinkable? How will I get through this? These are hard questions and go to the core of our faith. The good news is that our Heavenly Father is not offended by any of these questions. We see this in the Psalms as David vacillates between "why me" and "where are you God" to ultimately praising the only One who can save him and loves him with an everlasting love.
There are no shortcuts in the journey of the unthinkable. The tunnel is dark and seems unending. It is a time of confusion and tears. It often includes letting go of a life-long plan, dream, or the death of a loved one—all difficult and painful losses. There is a letting go of what you thought your life would be. It is also a time of choice. Will I follow Jesus no matter what? Will I trust Him through this time of “the unknown?”
One of my pivotal points was realizing that ‘Why” was not as important as “How?” How then would I live? Would I hold on to Jesus and follow Him no matter what the outcome? Quietly, sitting in my favorite chair, I said, "Yes, Lord, no matter what. I am yours, and you are mine." Once settled, I concentrated on asking for wisdom, guidance, peace, forgiveness, and direction. The journey took close to ten years, and as often happens, there were repercussions and deep wounds. Slowly, the darkness in my life began to diminish and I could feel the light grow stronger. God is faithful, and as promised, He never leaves us or forsakes us. I love the promise of Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” He is our God who sees, hears, and saves.
One of my early choices beyond holding on to Jesus no matter what was to do three things each day; pray, read my Bible and take a walk in the fresh air. These were all things I could control. Eventually, I learned to offer a "sacrifice of praise" and to pray for protection for my sons and for my husband to experience God's blessing even after our marriage ended. These practices kept my focus on the Lord and not on my problems and disappointments. I failed many times, but God was always there when I turned my eyes back to Him. Once you make the decision to hold on to Jesus, He will enable you to walk the path He lights before you one step at a time. No matter what fiery darts come towards you, you will be able to stand firm, survive, and praise God. You will be better, not bitter; a victor, not a victim. Unsinkable!
The remarkable thing about our Father is He always provides a higher purpose for our pain. He does not cause the pain but He does not want us to waste it. In 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 the apostle Paul declares “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
Adversity is a great teacher when we choose to be its student. It is our choice to embrace suffering and pain; to allow God to use it as a tool to deepen our walk with Him and comfort others through their unique unthinkable journey. God’s purpose is for the struggle to refine us, not define us.
No matter what you may be experiencing, cling to the Lord, take His hand, and do not let go. He will guide you, and He will bring you through the unthinkable. You may have scars but they will be blessed reminders of God’s faithfulness and love. Below are some ways to care for yourself as you navigate an unthinkable time
- Allow yourself time to grieve.
- Commit to Soul Care with prayer and reading Scripture. Ask the Lord to give you one or two scriptures and a hymn to go to immediately when you get overwhelmed. Mine were Psalm 27:13, 14 and the chorus of “Turn your eyes upon Jesus.”
- Commit to emotional and spiritual care with a trusted friend, counselor, or Pastor.
- Find time daily to be outside in the fresh air even if only for five minutes.
- Pray with one or two trusted friends regularly.
- Offer the Lord a sacrifice of praise.
- Don’t let go of Jesus. Hold on, no matter what.
For Further Study:
📖 Read:
💭 Reflect:
- What unanswered prayers am I still carrying?
- How can I take care of my heart and soul while I wait for God to move—or choose to trust Him even if He doesn’t?
🙏 Pray:
Jesus, I choose to hold onto You. Help me let go of the life I imagined and lean into the life You are shaping for me. Thank You for being near to the brokenhearted. Amen.
