Two years ago, my life was a complete 180 degrees from where it is today. I was flying high, literally traveling all over the country in my dream job, seven months pregnant with my third child, and feeling like I finally landed on my feet. Life was good.
Until it wasn’t.
In July 2018, my bouncing baby Gwyn came into this world like the firecracker she is. Ten days later, I was struck down with postpartum preeclampsia. It took 72 miserable hours of hospitalization to get my blood pressure regulated. During those three days, I experienced some left-sided facial numbness. A neurologist was called in and concluded that it was likely due to one of the many vitamin deficiencies I was experiencing after delivery. I felt uneasy, but it made sense.
During my maternity leave, I started noticing what began as small lapses in memory and word recall along with terrible bouts of vertigo. I chalked this up to just having grown another human and not getting any semblance of consistent sleep.
Ten weeks after Gwyn was born, I stepped right back on a plane and right back into my full pace of life. My memory issues were worsening, and I felt off. Again, I thought this must be due to an obvious adjustment period, and I assumed it would gradually get better with time.
Except it didn’t.
Facing the Unknown
My vertigo was holding strong. I was falling down and running into walls like it was my full-time job. I started seeing sparkles and spots and developed neuropathy throughout my left side. My memory grew worse—I was making myself little hidden notes to cover daily details; I was having trouble remembering words, sometimes saying words I didn’t mean to say.
It got really scary. On the rare occasion when I wouldn’t recognize someone for a brief moment—someone I should know well, like my husband. Then came what appeared to be stroke-like episodes with a droopy face, coordination deficits, and slurred speech. It was terrifying.
After many months of MRIs, numerous tests, invasive procedures, and several neurologists scratching their heads, my frustration mounted. This tension triggered another type of episode involving painful spasms in my neck along with an inability to speak. I was worried, my spirit was crushed, and my body was flat-out exhausted. I attended ongoing vestibular therapy, my ability to drive was limited, and I was placed on disability, which meant my income was cut in half. Life was vastly different for my little family, and we were all adjusting in our own ways. It was brutally stressful, but we put on happy faces as long as we could.
Learning to Lean on God
At a certain point, however, silence was no longer an option. I was declining. There were no answers in sight, and we needed the power of prayer. Our friends and family were incredibly generous. They prayed for us, brought us meals, drove me to appointments, and watched our kids. We were immensely thankful, but I was still so lost in my world of "what ifs" and "what nows." I didn’t have any sort of solid diagnosis to explain my symptoms, and I was getting worse in spite of everyone’s best efforts.
I started waking up every morning with partial left-sided paralysis. This new symptom caused me trouble falling asleep at night due to the thought of how horrible the morning would be. It was a vicious cycle. I was feeling hopeless.
Then, by God's divine grace, I found a neurologist whose humble nature compelled him to refer me to a specialist group. I am still thanking the Lord for him, as this referral saved my quality of life along with what was left of my sanity. The doctors at the new clinic recommended that I be hospitalized to conduct some additional testing and try out various medications. The approximate time frame was seven to ten days, and I would be over three hours away from my family. I would also be admitted on my son’s fourth birthday. (Talk about a punch to any mother’s gut!) My heart sank, but it had to be done. I could not live like this anymore.
Finally, Answers!
The torment of the mental countdown started, and the time finally came. The doctors concluded that a blood vessel in my brain constricted─when I had preeclampsia 19 months prior─and remained stuck like this for some unknown reason. (I am sure my self-induced stress around the clock despite God’s persistent warnings to slow down was a major factor.) 19 months!
I had the probability of mild brain damage (which finally explained why every specialist I had seen had asked me if I had hit my head). I had neuropathy issues and a trifecta of likely lifelong conditions: Chronic Visual Vertigo, Hemiplegic Migraines, and Episodic Dystonia. I also had answers and the hope that each of these conditions should be manageable. Now there was a lit path instead of the agony of stumbling around in total darkness. We could move forward!
The New Normal
Today’s version of myself is very different from the buttoned-up professional I was before. Our home resembles a chaotic circus. In the midst of this "new normal," however, there is an ironic peace to the pace and a sweetness to the time spent with my favorite people. There is also an ability to make my health a top focus.
I am no longer living the thrill of jetting across the country for my career. I’ve grieved that loss with many tears—the ugly kind that come with heavy breaths and loud sobs. I had worked my whole professional life to achieve that level of “success,” but my new direction is exactly where God has called me to be. My priorities are around my faith and under my roof. Christ has ultimately purposed each of us to a life of balance, not busyness. We can't have both; our bodies will not let us.
This hard stop was God’s way of sparing me from a health crisis that could have been far worse. Instead, He whispered, "Be still," and "still" is what I am striving to become. There is a long stretch of rough terrain ahead, but I know how far I have walked already. I trust that my heavenly Father will continue to see me through. I am thankful that the Lord’s mercy extends beyond our own distorted desires in life and for second chances to strengthen our fortitude in Him. This prodigal daughter is running toward His open arms, grateful for His unconditional love and grace!
FOR FURTHER STUDY
📖 Read:
💭 Reflect:
- What “detours” has God allowed in your life?
- How have those changes shaped your faith or given you new perspective?
- In what areas do you need to surrender control and trust His leading?
🙏 Pray:
Lord, when my plans fall apart and the road ahead feels uncertain, remind me that You are already there. Give me strength to grieve what I’ve lost and faith to embrace the new path You’ve placed before me. Help me trust Your wisdom more than my own understanding. Amen.
