This article contains content related to mental health struggles. If you or someone you know is in crisis, please call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, or visit 988lifeline.org. Help is free, confidential, and available 24/7.
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I used to love sharing the kids’ achievements and humorous anecdotes—until it became an exercise to create the appearance of the perfect family.
When I started despising similar posts from friends, I stopped writing mine. It felt like perpetuating a lie. We were broken. But nobody wants to hear about that.
We found ourselves in unexpected places—not unlike other families who try hiding behind the veneer of perfection. But gradually, the ideal of being the perfect family flies out the door. The ideal of maintaining the perfect facade flies out shortly after that.
There’s no hiding some situations. Especially at church.
Present in Rough Places
Fortunately, our community group stands strong with faltering families as listening ears and prayer warriors. They provide empathy without judgement.
Unfortunately, not so with some others. Many in the church don’t know how to handle tough scenarios, especially ones involving addiction or mental illness. It can be easier to just walk away from things you don’t understand or that feel awkward—like depression, anxiety, seasonal affective disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, and the fallout from each. It can be easy to turn away when “troubled” people walk into church.
In contrast, some—not understanding the challenges—dive right in and say things that can be hurtful. Once, at a women’s event, a nurse flippantly shared anecdotes about addicts who stumbled into the ER. One of the women present had just been to that same ER with her addict child four times.
But what about those who do know? It can still be difficult for people to reach out even by less threatening methods like text or email.
Mental Illness is the disease that most people suffer in silence with because of all the stigmas. Nobody uses Caring Bridge or Meal Trains for wayward children. Church-wide prayer request aren’t generally called in for kids with unorthodox behavior. Women don’t normally bring casseroles for manic whirlwinds or overdoses. This exacerbates the loneliness of having an “untouchable” situation. It’s not like having a sick child or surviving a heart attack or going through cancer treatment. Those conditions are more easily understood and acceptable, so it’s easy to show empathy and provide meals.
Present with Respect
The stigma of mental illness engenders undeserved shame. With or without true guilt, shame and judgement go together. If it’s not self-condemnation, others’ judgements and criticism prevail—the standard blame we assign parents when their kids go off the rails. Or the blame we imagine.
There’s also the issue of privacy, particularly with an adult child. Not everyone can be trusted with our messes. We need to discern who the safe ones are, otherwise we can cower in silence.
How to Help
So how can the average layperson come alongside families who struggle with mental illness or addiction? The following tips have meant the most to my husband and me:
1. Show up.
Sit in the ashes together. Yes, it will be messy. Sometimes you’ll be sitting in silence. Other times, you’re listening more than talking. But mainly, you’re showing up. “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24).
2. Ask how someone is doing.
That might be just enough to encourage sharing and offer moral support. Let the other person dictate how much is said. But not inquiring can be translated as apathy and avoidance—even if you think it shows respect for privacy. “In humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:3-4).
3. Accept rather than criticizing and advising.
It’s too easy to cast blame and assume cause and effect. But with troubled minds, logic goes out the window. Rules don’t always apply. Even if there is blame, this may not be the time to address it—like giving the proverbial swimming lessons to a drowning man instead of throwing a lifeline. Only a good friend earns the right to broach difficult topics, and will use wisdom for the timing. But acceptance is the prerequisite. “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2).
4. Listen instead of using Bible verses like a bandage.
The Word of God definitely has its place, but spouting scripture platitudes without understanding a situation does more harm than good. Stay away from cliches. Instead, be an instrument of God’s love and grace. Truly listen before speaking. “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame” (Prov. 18:13). ). And “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak.” (James 1:19).
5. Offer practical help.
This could mean bring a meal, cleaning the house, offering rides, or sitting at the hospital. Don’t merely ask how to help; tell the family what you can do. People are more apt to receive offered help now then call later to ask for it. Be the hands and feet of Jesus. “A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed” (Prov. 11:25).
6. Educate yourself.
Read up on mental illness, addiction, and treatments. Attend seminars. Arm yourself with knowledge. Mental illness is a real thing, impacted by brain wiring, hormones, and numerous other factors. A person with mental illness has no control over their condition and are unable to just “snap out of it” no matter how hard they try. And it’s not must a matter of reading the Bible or praying more. Mental illness can affect anyone at any time. “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions” (Prov. 18:2).
For a family floundering in the midst of a mental health crisis, it makes all the difference between feeling loved and supported or alone and ashamed. Let’s compassionately encourage those families struggling. “Encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thess 5:11).
For Further Study:
📖 Read:
💭 Reflect:
- Do I tend to avoid uncomfortable situations, or do I move toward people with compassion?
- Have I ever unintentionally judged someone walking through mental illness or addiction?
- What’s one small way I could support a hurting family this week?
🙏 Pray:
Jesus, make me someone who listens well, loves without judgment, and reflects Your compassion. Show me how to carry others’ burdens with wisdom, humility, and grace. Amen.
📥 BONUS: Download the Mental Health Crisis Guide
This printable Mental Health Crisis Guide summarizes tips in an easy-to-use checklist—plus includes a curated directory of U.S. and international suicide prevention and mental health hotlines, as well as Christian counseling resources.
Includes:
- A printable crisis response checklist
- Suicide prevention and mental health hotlines (U.S. + international)
- Faith-based counseling and caregiver support resources
