Kelly tells Jeff before he leaves for work, “Pick up the kids after school and don’t forget, like you always do, to have them get their backpacks. And you better be home by 5:30 for a change.”
Jeff pulls in the driveway at 6:30 p.m. that evening. Coming into the house he yells, “Kelly! How many times do I need to tell you to park straight in the garage? I had to leave my car in the driveway again! I’m going to have to tape down markers for you.”
Can you feel the building resentment and distance in this couple’s conversation? Do you hear the condescending tone in their voices?
Proverbs 18:21 says the tongue has the power of life and death. Applied to a marriage, this is a startling truth. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” It is God’s will for us to build up others with our tongues, especially our spouse. Unfortunately, many marriages today aren’t displaying God’s design for the tongue in their daily communication patterns. The most common mistake couples make is to speak to each other like inferiors or superiors instead of equals. By getting into a parent-child communication pattern, a couple can eventually erode the intimacy in their marriage.
Take a moment to listen to your marriage. Are you talking to each other like friends and lovers? Is there a sense of vulnerability, safety and intimacy between you? Are you building each other up? Or are you talking to your spouse like he is a child?
Speaking to your spouse in ways that make him or her feel scolded, dismissed, or controlled destroys intimacy and is clearly not God’s plan for your marriage. Defenses go up and walls go up; the marriage is no longer safe. Such rude communication and outright disobedience to God’s design for communication should not be tolerated in a Christian marriage. The Bible repeatedly says that we need to avoid such corrupt or toxic talk (See Col. 3:8-17 and Eph. 4:29-32). Corrupt talk is not God’s best for our communication with our spouse.
Wives often don’t express their anger directly, attempting to control by being the complaining victim or by treating their husbands like irresponsible children who need mothering. Feelings of inadequacy and rebellion are natural responses to such treatment.
In communication patterns, there is a compulsion to respond in the way you’ve been spoken to. Since people are generally responders, they will act out their part of the role that has been communicated. A husband who is scolded like a bad child will soon respond like a bad child; a wife reacted to like a mother will soon respond more and more parentally. Such marriages are like seesaws, switching between the parent and child roles.
There is a solution, a better way to communicate. Instead of responding in the way you’ve been spoken to, choose instead to speak “across” (as you would to a friend or co-worker) to your spouse. Speak neither up nor down, no matter how much his or her words try to pull you into the parent or child role. The beauty in this is that, over time, when spoken to consistently as a respected equal partner, your spouse will begin to respond as a respected, equal partner. Proverbs 12:18 says, “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
To stay in the adult role, practice communicating your own needs, feelings, and wants, directly and honestly. “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply” (Prov. 15:23). If you’re looking to be rescued, entertained or taken care of, you are putting yourself back into a child role. Don’t expect your spouse to be able to read your mind! Adults marry, not children.
Developing godly, loving communication patterns in your marriage may take some time and effort, but it will reap huge dividends towards the intimate marriage that God desires for you. Instead of letting toxic talk destroy your marriage, try building each other up and watch what God does in your marriage when you develop a pattern of doing things His way.
Examples Of Parent-Child vs. Adult-Adult Interactions
Read through the following patterns - P-C (parent/child), C-P (child/parent) or A-A (adult/adult) - to evaluate if your communication with your spouse is toxic.
Example 1:
P-C: “I’ve told you a hundred times to be home on time for supper. The kids drove me crazy because they were hungry and everything got burnt. You don’t care about us because everything else is more important.”
A-A: “You were an hour late. I feel frustrated because we sat waiting for you. I need you to know that we are going to eat at 6:00 p.m. from now on. If you are home, great. If not, you can microwave a plate for yourself later. That way I won’t sit around being mad, and you can finish what needs finishing.”
Example 2:
C-P: “All you think about is yourself. I never get to do anything I want.”
A-A: “I need a break from the kids. I’ve been feeling stressed lately and want to use Saturday afternoon to journal and read. Could you watch them then or should I arrange for a sitter?”
Example 3:
P-C: “Your mom called again. I was on the phone with her for over an hour. She had a million questions as usual. When will you tell her you’re not her little boy anymore?”
A-A: “Your mom called and asked you to call her back.”
Example 4:
C-P: “Where has the romance gone? You wonder why I give you a cold shoulder at night.”
A-A: (You go and sit next to your husband, giving him a kiss on the neck while he’s watching the news.)
Example 5:
C-P: “You are married to the church.”
A-A: “I miss you and I think we need some extended family time. Can we check our calendars and set aside some dates?”
