The Secret to Loving People Well
We all know someone facing a trial. Author Sarah Beckman provides practical tools so you can walk alongside people in their times of greatest need.
Trials in our lives have a way of telling on us so when hardship comes the word gets out. First to those nearest and dearest and then slowly, but eventually, to those who don’t know us well but care enough to want to help. The question then becomes how? That’s the answer author and speaker Sarah Beckman so beautifully gives in her book, Alongside: A Practical Guide for Loving Your Neighbor in their Time of Trial.
Sarah will never forget how her community came to the aid of her family as a child when they were forced to leave their home and her dad was dying. “I was the youngest of 14 kids. My family had everything: the lake house, the boats, the cars, the country club, the fancy everything. Unfortunately, my dad was an alcoholic and put our family into bankruptcy. Because of that, my mom was told that she had one month to get out of our house. She had 14 kids and literally nowhere to live. Eventually, she found a place for us, but it was a broken down farmhouse, and it was unlivable. People came alongside our family at that time. They shoveled coal to heat the house for winter, they built stairs so we could actually get upstairs, they gave us clothes, food, furniture, and they painted. We wouldn’t have gotten through that time without people who came alongside our family. And now, everything I learned as a little girl, I’ve been able to turn around and use to help others.”
Sarah insists that you don’t have to be gifted to care for people; you just need the right tools. Look at what you are good at already and help from there. Jesus’ simple directive to “love your neighbor as yourself’” has fueled an especially deep passion in Sarah. She believes we are all called to love and believes we can all do it if only we are better equipped to do so.
Just Between Us magazine talked with Sarah about giving encouragement to people in their times of greatest need and what it means to be an “alongsider.”
JBU:
You use the term “alongsider”. What does that mean?
Sarah: It’s something that has evolved as I’ve been living out the message of the book and talking it through with people. My heart’s desire is to eliminate intentions that never come to fruition, or worse that go awry. I don’t want anyone to feel uncertain about helping someone in need ever again. That’s really where the term came from. I’m encouraging everyone to be an alongsider!
JBU:
How did your own trials lead to the writing of this book?
Sarah: I call it the decade of hardship with bed rest due to pregnancy complications, four debilitating back surgeries, and three terminal illnesses among close friends and family. As someone who both needed help and wanted to help, I wanted to bridge the gap between good intentions and beautiful relationship.
My brother-in-law was very near the end with terminal cancer, and I was talking to my sister about why some people seem to be better at knowing what to do in situations like this and others don’t. Because of my own experiences, many people were asking me for advice, so I decided to combine these two thoughts and write the book.
JBU:
You are motivated by your faith, but that hasn’t always been the case. Can you tell us about that?
Sarah: I was raised in the church and believed in God, even prayed to Him when I needed something, but in adulthood, my faith had become lukewarm. I was missing a living vibrant relationship with the Lord. During my time of trial, He used my forced stillness to start speaking to me. It was the first time I ever owned a Bible, had someone pray over me, or been in a position to receive from the Body of Christ. All of our church people were doing all these things for me. They assumed I had a genuine faith, but they were mistaking my service for a living relationship with God.
JBU:
Do you think this is true for a lot of women in the church?
Sarah: I do, which is part of why reaching out to people in trial is so important. When someone is in a hard place they are often more available than when things are going swimmingly in their life. They don’t recognize their need for the kind of comfort that comes out of spiritual depth when their circumstances are good, but when trouble comes, the door is open. When we bring God into the equation of a trial, we need to go in obedience and go with the Holy Spirit trusting that we don’t always know where someone is spiritually but our prayer whatever it might look like—our alongside—could be a big catalyst for their faith. It was for me.
JBU:
What is the role of prayer in coming alongside others?
Sarah: I’ve never had someone turn down my sincere offer to pray. Prayer brings comfort to me and so this is what I know how to do. I do always ask, “Would you mind if I prayed with you?”
JBU:
Have you ever had an awkward reaction to your offer of prayer?
Sarah: Yes. It can feel awkward leading up to it, but never afterwards because most often by then people are in tears.
When I was on bed rest, pregnant with my daughter, my neighbor offered to pray with me. I remember feeling a little nervous, but feeling like I wouldn’t say no because I’m theoretically someone who believes in God, so I shouldn’t have a problem being prayed over. My friend laid her hand on my leg and prayed for me. I was never the same. I wept through the whole prayer.
Lots of people sat in my “visitors” chair, brought food, babysat, did things for my husband, cleaned my house, and washed the dishes. You name it and people were doing it, but she was the first person who actually prayed over me and my unborn child, whom I was so anxious and nervous about. No one had ever done that for me before and I will never forget it. There is a reason God used that so powerfully in my life, because I know what it feels like to be on the other side.
Prayer helps you step into the darkness and usher people into the light that comes from knowing Jesus and knowing He is with them in the hard things of life.
JBU:
You also talk about the importance of listening.
Sarah: Yes, listening without trying to fix and not trying to offer advice or compare your story. When there are no words, let there be no words. There isn’t anything you can say to fix it and when we try to fill that space with words, we end up hurting when we mean to be helping. This is especially true in messy situations like divorce, suicide, long-term illness, or abuse. Truly coming alongside means no matter how uncomfortable it is. These families need the same love, care, and concern, if not more, because people aren’t rushing over with the casserole. They are often rushing the other way. If we are called to come alongside as people who love the Lord, we have to love and care for all of His people.
If Jesus is in you, you take Him wherever you go—even if you don’t utter a syllable. Often our presence can shine His light even more than our words so just sitting with someone and praying quietly to yourself is the best thing you can do. Presence is powerful. It says, “I’m here for you. I’m with you.”
JBU:
How do we know our place when it comes to offering practical help?
Sarah: I am a big believer in the power of internal promptings, so if you feel prompted to do something do it. As part of my research, I interviewed 50 people who had experienced a lot of hardship for their thoughts on what helped and what didn’t. The same things kept rising to the top. Understanding those things and where they are appropriate was what helped with all the checklists and other practical tools I included in the book.
For example, before helping, it’s best to ask some questions of yourself like: “Does this person consider me a close friend”? “Are they extended or immediate family members”? “What is my day-to-day context in their lives”? “Do I see them regularly”?
It’s easy to get carried away when you hear of a crisis and to want to jump in where it’s not appropriate. Understanding your place in the relationship, helps you decide what’s appropriate and what’s not. I call this the Tier system (see sidebar). It helps people find the freedom to say “no” when it’s not their place, and it compels them to step in when it is.
JBU:
What is something that’s not helpful for people?
Sarah: When you say, “Let me know what I can do.” This puts the burden on the other person. Ironically, the more general your offer is, the harder it is to accept. However, when you make that offer specific, like you can drive their kids home from school, go to the grocery store, or offer to help them specifically with whatever you’re good at. You can do that well and offer that. If you cut hair, go cut their hair. If you’re good at gardening, garden for them.
Another situation that is hard for people is when someone dies. We want to say, “I’m sorry for your loss” which is really well meaning, but it’s a little generic. Empty. Tell the one grieving a story about the person they lost especially if it’s one they’ve never heard before. “You know what my favorite things about James was?” That means so much to someone when they’re facing loss. They don’t remember, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Give memories, not condolences.
JBU:
How is this a conversation for everyone?
Sarah: I don’t want anyone excluded from the conversation of learning how to love their neighbor in times of trial. I say at the beginning of the book that maybe the reader will be surprised by all the “Jesus” talk and they may not be loving their neighbor because God commanded it, but because they are a loving person who knows someone in need and wants to help, and it’s the right thing to do. God is using them whether they know it or not and that blessing someone in need is good for everyone. I want to make room for everyone in the conversation. I think everyone should do something and we can also do something that we are gifted or good at and not do what we are not gifted at.
JBU:
What do people find most challenging in helping others?
Sarah: That “it’s not about you!” When you realize this, things that you took offense at in the past start to look very different. Like times when I was wondering why I didn’t get a thank-you note, for example, or wasn’t mentioned in a group message of thanks. It can’t be about you if you really want to serve in this selfless, Christ-like way. It’s not our natural bent, to be all about someone else’s needs, yet that’s what Jesus calls us to do.
JBU:
Why are you so passionate about loving your neighbor?
Sarah: So many people are hurting in this world. I want to be the person who rushes over to bring love, comfort, and caring because the world is so empty in so many places—and when we’re in the dark place, that’s when we need the love the most. But so many people feel unequipped so I want to equip them so they can love people well.
One of my favorite verses is Matthew 25:21, “Well done, good and faithful servant!” but the next part of it says, “Come and share in your master’s happiness!” There is great joy in being the literal hands and feet of Christ as we are all called to be. He left that assignment to us and so when we are doing it, it makes Him happy.
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