Finding Real Love
Years ago when President Bush gave his presidential acceptance speech, he first thanked his wife Laura and called her “the love of my life.” Who doesn’t long to hear, in public, her spouse calling her the “love of my life”? But how can romance last more than 25 years? It doesn’t! But love does ─ and longer. If you want to be loved...love. What is the difference between love and romance?
It’s been called “the seven-year itch.” I don’t know how scientists measure this, but they do. When you “fall in love,” your body chemistry changes. It gives you an erotic exuberance, a sensual pull, and a profound longing. Your life changes because all you can do is think about that other person. You feel young and more alive than ever.
However, after about seven years the physiological “romantic” feelings diminish. That’s why affairs are so common. People equate love with romance. The excitement, the rush, gives them a high. Some people even become addicted to this high and have serial affairs. So what do you do after seven years of God-given romantic feelings when the romance begins to dissipate? Is there more sustenance to marriage than looking across the table and thinking, “Who is this person with the unattractive bathrobe and tussled hair? We haven’t talked about anything but the kids for five years.”
The cliché “the romance is over in our relationship,” should be an expected phase, not a reason for discontent and divorce. It is normal to go through stages in marriage. If you really want to love your spouse, you work on knowing him, understanding him, befriending him, supporting him, and spending time together. You plan for comfortable, secure, mutually respected love when the wrinkles come, health problems begin to occur, and the children leave.
Marriage counselors know that success lies in acceptance of your spouse, versus trying to change your spouse. Ironically, a person is more likely to change when loved and accepted then when being criticized and always put on the defensive. Ephesians 4:3 says, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
I love to downhill ski. I like the speed, the risk, and the thrill. I try to go as fast as I can, just barely inside my ability to control my skis. This is fun, exhilarating. But even more wonderful than this exhilaration is the time spent in front of the fire afterward, sipping hot cocoa with the heavy gear off and sore muscles being warmed.
I think marriage, after the chemistry wanes, is like that cozy, secure fireside feeling. It is the comfort of knowing and being known, of being accepted no matter what, of looking at your spouse with tender eyes and seeing his or her beauty even if in reality he is disabled, bald, out of shape, or depressed.
It’s a fairy tale, a Hollywood lie that a good marriage is one where you agree on everything; he is your constant knight in shining armor, or that you never fight and romance fades. Ruth Bell Graham says it best, “If you both agree on everything, one of you is unnecessary.”
Love expands us. “Two are better than one” because we are invited into someone else’s world. When we respect that world, our spouse feels loved. Love sanctifies us, humbles us, and purifies us by removing selfishness. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 says, “Love is…not rude, it is not self-seeking…it keeps no record of wrongs.” Love has a way of helping us become better people.
I remember seeing my husband in the emergency room after a biking accident. His face and body had been slammed into the pavement headfirst. There was blood everywhere. His upper lip was split in two and gravel still clung to the dried sweat and blood. A stranger would turn away in disgust at his unsightly injury. However, to me, he was as handsome as ever, because I saw him with my soul, not my eyes. After 30 years of marriage, we are one. His joys are my joys, his pain my pain, yet his interests don’t interest me at all. His annoying little habits are still grains of sand that I need to knock out of my shoes at the end of the day, but I know him, I trust him, and I respect him. I know he’ll never be the initiator of a special evening out, so I plan it. He knows I’m not a morning person, so he enjoys the early solitude. But we know we will always be there for each other no matter what the storm or pain.
When the romance has worn off, we benefit by loving the other person, working around things, and making adjustments. God loves each of us, not because we are sinless or perfectly conformed to His Son’s image; not because we are thin or perfectly dressed. God’s unconditional love isn’t a result of what we do for Him or because of how hard we work for Him. He loves us because He knows us, each one of us by name, we are His beloved and He has betrothed Himself to us. He sees our hearts!
The high of being a new believer may wane, but the security of being eternally held in His grasp is a wonderful security. And as we know Him more, we love Him more. We see Him with our souls and not our eyes. We love Him because He first loved us. If you want to be loved…love. He did.