Your Secret Code

Let’s face it: opposites do attract – then annoy! That idiosyncrasy you first fell in love with really ticks you off after awhile. The cute way she’d pout when she wanted you to do something now feels like pure manipulation. If we aren’t careful, those initial attractions-turned-annoyances-turned-conflict can pull us apart.

The best way to handle such annoyances is to deal with them before they become full-out conflicts. How? It’s as simple as using a “catch-phrase:” a key word the two of you agree on that allows you to get back on track in your relationship.

When we were newlyweds, I was a bit of a drama queen. If Bill said something that hurt my feelings, I’d cry, “You don’t love me anymore!” then run to our bedroom and wait for Bill to follow me and apologize. It was quite the performance! 

Bill patiently endured these outbursts, until one day when my brother was over. I went into my melodrama, and instead of Bill following me into our room, Bret entered applauding, took a trophy off the shelf, and said, “For best actress, we have Pam Farrel!”

Instead of reacting with anger, I started to laugh. My brother knew me; my number was up. Bill realized that when my drama threatened our relationship, a little humor helped. So the next time I went into my acting routine, Bill walked in and quoted his favorite line from Rocky in his best Philly accent. 

“Yo, Pam, you know what you get when you tap a turtle on the back? Shell shock. Get it? Shell shock.” And I laughed.

Bill discovered a catch-phrase that calmed me; our secret code. From that moment on, any time tensions arise from our differences, one of us can simply pull out a catch-phrase and tempers calm. 

Creating a Catch-Phrase 

1. Tie the catch-phrase to a good memory.

What have been some of the happiest days of your relationship? Reminisce – you might remember an inside joke or create a code word that encapsulates a positive shared experience. 

2. Humor helps!

You both might enjoy a movie line, a joke punch line, greeting card, or commercial slogan. Some friends of ours are complete opposites. He’s a strong power broker on Wall Street; she’s a delicate flower of an artist. But when he used those authoritative traits at home, he built hurt between them by mowing over her feelings. Bill suggested they find a catch-phrase to clue him in that he was overpowering his wife. They both love the cartoon Roadrunner, and thought that poor flattened coyote perfectly illustrated how she often felt. Now when she feels overwhelmed by her husband, she just says in her best roadrunner form, “Beep, beep!” That means “Back off, buddy!” in the nicest way.

3. You both need to agree.

Catch-phrases shouldn’t be a phrase one mate uses to club the other over the head. Instead, choose a prearranged phrase that makes you both feel better emotionally. 

Bill found a way to handle a situation that’s been irritating me for almost 10 years. Bill's a one-task-at-a-time man who likes to start a project and finish it before he begins another. I, on the other hand, am an idea person. Oftentimes, when we’re relaxing, I will share my growing list of inspirational thoughts about how to make the world a better place. As Bill listened, he'd become worn out. For years he didn’t understand this phenomenon.

Bill asked me, “When you share ideas that I really don’t want to act on, can I say, “Pam, that’s a great idea!?” 

With a twinkle in my eye, I said, “I think that’s a great idea!”

“That’s a great idea” has become a catch-phrase in our relationship.

Make a date and review the happiest memories of your relationship to see if you already have a word or phrase you can use as your code. Catch-phrases will give you the ability to maintain your patience, and you’ll gain a way to regroup when those differences begin to bug you.