Step-Momming with Grace

The lights above lit the room in a harshly stark way, making the steel of the exam table appear hard and cold, but down below on the floor a warmth rose from the six people saying goodbye to their beloved yellow lab, Rye. In the hardest moment we had ever faced together, and as I watched my stepson hand my own daughter a tissue, we became a family.

This family is not the one I imagined having. As a little girl dreaming of her wedding followed by a picture-perfect marriage and family, I never thought I’d get married and divorced, remarry and become a stepmom, but this is my life.

“Step-momming” is also something you don’t fully consider as you plan to marry the man you love. You believe the depth of your love will make all things possible, even the step-parenting part. Then reality hits. The happiest day of your life will not necessarily be followed by the happiest days of your life, at least not without the One who gives you strength.

Very quickly, our kids let us know that blending a family would be no walk in the park. It was a journey into a dark, unknown territory inhabited by teenagers. We had one teen turning up the heat and acting out, another running to her sister’s house daily. My stepsons opted instead for a path of avoidance, and teasing that sometimes went a bit too far.

There were lonely days, when I longed for the home I once had, where I knew what to expect. But my faith in Jesus is helping me through the toughest—and most rewarding—challenge of my life. I’ve learned a few things on this journey that may help others along their own step-parenting path.

They didn’t ask for this

Though we did ask our kids for permission to remarry, we also expected them to obediently accept the change. Weeks after the wedding, my own daughter told me through her tears, “I want so much for you to be happy, and you are, so how can I tell you that I’m unhappy sometimes about this change?”

She had kept her negative feelings about moving away from her friends, selling our home, and having to share her mom with others well hidden; at least until she began acting them out in unexpected ways, like refusing to come down for dinner or staying with her older sister for days on end.

One of my stepsons has done the same. He’s kindhearted, funny, and just a great kid. My heart swells with pride at his every achievement, just as it does with my own kids. So, I never expected him, of all the kids, to exhibit some behaviors that were not very nice.

When he began bragging about how smart, talented, and athletic he was, and publicly pointing out where my own daughters could use some work, I’ll admit my first response was not as godly as I would have liked it to be. But I turned to the Word for answers and slowly God began working on my heart. He filled me with compassion for this young man, who upon reflection, faced a bigger change than the other kids. He spends 50 percent of his time with us, while my daughters live here nearly all the time and his brother is away at college. When he is not with us, his dad is sharing his life with his new stepdaughters. Suddenly his out-of-character behavior made perfect sense, and I found my heart overflowing with compassion for a young man making the best of a change he never asked for.

Today, I try to remember how Paul called the Philippians to be more like Christ. “…make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Phil. 2:2-4, emphasis added).

Paul shares that God calls us to treat the needs of others as more important than our own. By putting others’ needs first, we pursue the kind of humility that leads to mutual love and unity. When God opened my heart, I saw the situation in a new way and began to handle myself differently. It’s not that He is calling on me to ignore bad behaviors, but He is encouraging me to view those behaviors through the lens of compassion and do what I can to help my stepson become more comfortable with the change.

One thing I changed is making a point of encouraging his dad to spend time with him, and only him. The smile on both of their faces after an afternoon together is worth it. The peace that fills our home afterward is a blessing. And, I’ve also come to view those times as opportunities to share time with my kids or to do things for myself.

Look for God in the Small Things

While I studied everything I could get my hands on about being a stepmom in advance, no amount of preparation fully readied me for the changes ahead. I was quickly blindsided by two things—how fast my love for my stepsons grew and flourished and the fact that their love for me hasn’t grown as fast. While my adult mind can comprehend the reasons for this, my heart struggles as I realize my affections may not be returned for some time, and that though this is true, I must love them and care for them anyway, because that is what a mother does.

Ron Deal writes in The Smart Stepfamily that bonding won’t occur overnight. In fact, research shows it takes blended families four to seven years to bond. He reminds us that it’s important to let your stepchildren set the pace in how quickly or slowly your relationship develops. And, with older stepchildren, those relationships might take even longer.

This takes heaps of patience, and I’ll admit patience is a virtue I lacked—at least initially. In my race to create the perfect blended family. I put a lot of pressure on the situation. As a result, there have been beautiful times, but also times when I felt avoided, shut out, and lonely in my own home.

Over Christmas, my yearly devotional focused on the same chapter of the Bible for two weeks. Every day I read Luke chapter 2 in its entirety, wondering what God wanted me to see in that chapter. And every day, two verses stood out: Luke 2:19, where it says, “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart” and in Luke 2:51, where it again says, “his mother treasured all these things in her heart.”

Luke is describing the attitude Mary took to all she was facing as she raised the Son of God. Pope Francis writes of those verses, “She (Mary) learned how to be a mother, and in that learning process she gave Jesus the beautiful experience of knowing what it is to be a Son.”

Today, I’m learning how to be a stepmom and, in the process, I am giving my stepsons the beautiful experience of knowing what it’s like to be a stepson, cherished by someone unrelated by blood, but who loves them just the same.

Instead of focusing on the things that make me feel like an invisible force in their lives, I’m training myself to hang tight to the small things that show they care even when words go unsaid. I’m following Mary’s example for mothers, and “treasuring these things in my heart,” just as I do with my own children.

This means when my youngest stepson pulls into the driveway at the same time as me and gives me the warmest of smiles—the very smile that made me fall in love with his dad, I hold it close to my heart. When my oldest stepson texts me from college just to tell me how good my chocolate chip cookies are, I treasure it. And when they tell me they liked the dinner I made, I remember it, and I make it again when I know they had a long day.

When they laugh with me at the dinner table as I tell them silly stories about my youth, tease me about my inability to locate my phone, or we share together in the loss of our family pet, we’re developing a history, and in that shared history, we are forging a relationship, and in that relationship a family.

Slowly, I’m beginning to understand that though it may be a long time before they outwardly express that they love me, their feelings are growing, and can be found every day in the little things I’m storing up in my increasingly crowded heart.

Resources for the Blended Family

When I got engaged to a man with two teenage sons, I searched for step-parenting resources and took in all I could before saying my “I do’s.” I wanted to be intentional in my step-parenting and wanted God as my guide. Are you also a stepmom with a strong desire to walk with God as you blend a family? Trusted advice can be found in many places, but here are two resources I found particularly useful.

1.  Focus on the Family

Not only does Focus on the Family offer a wonderful five-part series on step-parenting, the entire site is a treasure trove of practical advice. There are articles and podcasts on things like step-sibling jealousy, blended family holidays, loving your step-kids, co-parenting and more, all from a biblical perspective. You will also find practical marriage advice, child-rearing tips, faith builders, and endearing lessons about Jesus and His love for us. I recommend downloading their podcast app on your phone and listening to their weekly podcasts. Their motto is “Helping Families Thrive” and their podcasts hit the mark week after week.

2.  Smart Stepfamilies

Advice from Ron Deal and access to his books was my go-to resource as I readied myself for step-momming and its still my go-to resource now that I am a stepmom. I recommend starting with The Smart Stepfamily. This book is jam packed with resources to help engaged and married couples navigate blending a family with God’s grace. The Smart Stepmom and The Smart Stepfather offer practical tips for stepmoms and stepdads on their own journey as stepparents. The Smart Stepfamily Marriage helps couples keep their relationship strong as they move through the challenges of blending a family. And finally, for the ministry, there is Blended Family Ministry and Professional Training. Articles, videos, and information about conferences are also found on this helpful site.

~ By Ronnie Wendt. Ronnie is a freelance writer. She lives in Waukesha, Wis., with her husband and their blended family, comprised of four children with three teens at home, their significant others, and a grandson