Q: Can I Forgive One Who Isn't Sorry?

A: 

“Forgiveness” is mentioned throughout the Bible. A number of Hebrew and Greek words offer a variety of meanings including: to dismiss, to send away, to cleanse, to cover, etc. These words relate to God’s way of dealing with our sin. In His autobiographical statement to Moses, God described Himself as, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin” (Exod. 34:6-7).

These two ancient verses speak volumes about God and man, and their relationship. On the one hand, we see a God Who is shown to be overwhelmingly loving and gracious, patient and faithful. On the other hand, we see a race called mankind that is unspeakably rebellious, wicked, and falling so far short of what of God intended His image bearers to be. And yet, He does not change; His love abounds. And He takes steps not only to deal with sin's penalty─separation from God─but He does it through Christ Who bears our punishment on the cross on our behalf. And He patiently waits for us to respond to “amazing grace.” And, in many instances, He waits and waits holding out the forgiveness He has procured out of the abundance of His heart of love for us.

There is a clearly recognizable link between the forgiving Lord and the forgiven sinner as illustrated by the story in Luke 7 where Jesus summarized the event by saying, “Her many sins have been forgiven─as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”  The repentant sinner learns to forgive in proportion to her recognition of the enormity of the forgiveness she has received. Therein lies the motivation and the empowering for us to forgive as He forgave us.

Colossians 3:13 says, “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Let those words sink in. If we are honest, we will probably admit that our autobiographies are no match for God’s as recorded in Exodus 34. We lack the grace, etc. to offer the forgiveness that we are admonished to extend. Or we may lack the fortitude and faithfulness to persevere when we are repeatedly hurt. All this points to the absolute need for the would-be forgiver to be seeking an empowering by the Spirit for the abundance of grace the proposed action will require.

You’ve heard the old saying “It takes two to tango.” I know nothing about Latino dancing, but you may not know that “It takes two to forgive.” One to offer; the other to embrace it. God has done all that is necessary to offer forgiveness to all. Not all are ready to receive His gift of grace, however. So it is with human forgiveness. Why? There can be a number of reasons.

1.  An offer of forgiveness may fall on deaf ears if the person being offered grace feels they are more sinned against than sinning.

As it is unusual for all blame to attach to one party only, a healthy exercise for the would-be forgiver would be a heart search for any failures however slight, which could be confessed and genuinely repented of. This may have a softening effect.

2.  Repentance is a fundamental characteristic of forgiveness.

But genuine repentance leads to confession of the sinful action, acknowledgement of its sinfulness, regret, a desire to put things right, and a desire to walk in newness of life. But if the person will make no admission of wrong-doing, or regret for the action(s), and is unwilling to turn from behaviors that need to be forgiven, refuses to admit guilt, and harbors resentment of wrongful accusation, and has a bitter heart, no acceptance of forgiveness may be forthcoming.

3.  Simple acts of kindness can soften hardened hearts.

There is an antidote to un-repentance which is a surprise to some. In Romans. 2:4 the apostle Paul wrote, “Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” In my pastoral work, I have seen positive results in counseling through a consideration of this verse as it relates to relational problems among believers and unbelievers. Simple and persistent acts of kindness can soften the hardest heart.

4.  Loving even when forgiveness is rejected. 

We return to God’s autobiography for guidance and note the unmistakable emphasis on His love for mankind as being the foundation of His forgiveness. We need to ask ourselves, "How can I draw on God’s Spirit in prayer to give me the grace to love as I ought and to live my life faithfully, sharing His love for me by overflowing my love for others?" Even those, especially those, who reject my offers of healing and blessing.

Prayer: Dear Lord, when I consider Who You are and what You have done and continue to do for me, I am overwhelmed by a sense of unworthiness to be called Your child. I desire to grow more like You in order that I might be an agent of Your blessing in a fractured and hurting world. Particularly, I grieve over shattered relationships. Thank You that love and forgiveness are major aspects of Your character and You desire to see them on display in my life, too. I need Your grace to be kind today. Amen.