Q: How Do I Help Someone Hurting?

A:

We can help someone hurting by: LISTENING with Heart, ASKING with Courage, and GUIDING with Wisdom.

James 1:19 says we are to be quick to listen and slow to speak. Theodore Roosevelt said, “Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.” If we want to help someone hurting through their pain, we need to be good listeners. There is healing power in being heard, including not feeling alone, feeling accepted, sorting out issues and feelings, and sharing the burden of pain with hope for a better future.

LISTEN with HEART:

• Take a deep breath.
• Say a quick prayer: “HELP ME, LORD.”
• Never forget my own hurts and what and who helped me (2 Cor. 1:5).
• Always remember, I don’t know it all. I don’t even know a little when it comes to anothers’ pain.
• Remember we all have different paths of pain and recovery.
• Reassure confidentiality.
• Ask clarifying questions to draw out their pain and story.
• Whatever they say, empathize first, without judgment.
• Be an encourager instead of a fixer.

ASK with COURAGE: speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15)

• Listen for understanding, before challenging for self-awareness or growth.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for clarification regarding confusing inconsistencies.
• Don’t be afraid to challenge untruths (regarding God or relationships). For example, “He always,” We will never,”  “God hasn’t really been there for me,” “God can’t accept me with what I have done,” etc.
• Don’t be afraid to make observations that may be hard to hear. For example, “That sounds like it is abusive,”  “It seems like those behaviors would really confuse the children,” “I can see how it would be difficult to be honest about this situation, but it is a courageous first step to a better path.”
• Although gently holding up the mirror of truth is very difficult, it is what we are called to do when someone cannot see the truth through her pain.

GUIDE with WISDOM:

• Pray for God to guide your speech.
• Validate their courage in telling their story.
• Put my judgmental self in the back seat.
• Make “matter of fact” observations about what you see in their story.
• Reassure them, THERE IS A WAY OUT OF THIS.
• No matter what their pain, remind them about God’s love, presence, guidance, and plan.
• Encourage them to seek healthy, consistent, balanced, support networks.
• Realize that you may be the only “Jesus” they can see through their pain, so you need to be the loving, truth-telling, confident Jesus girl that she needs.

Ultimately, helping someone hurting can be summed up in Micah 6:8, “And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”

~ By Kathy Schoenborn