Not Just One of the Guys

I’m sitting on my bed at a guesthouse on an island in the tropics. It’s dark outside. The air conditioner over the window is giving me goosebumps even though the warm ocean is within view and the air is thick. From my room, I hear the deep voices and hearty laughs of the men who have converged here. We don’t know each other, but we have all come to see what God is doing in this country and how our congregations might be able to participate. Just a few minutes earlier, I was sitting in that room full of gregarious men, some older and some younger than me. They seemed like good men—kind, intelligent, and relaxed. As I sat with them, I was listening to their conversation, looking for a point of connection, and hoping to join in the laughter and camaraderie. After a while with no success and out of ideas, I retreated to my room. It hadn’t taken long to realize that I was an outsider.  

The men and I have only been together for two days, but it was clear from the beginning that this trip would be difficult relationally. Of the eight pastors from four different churches, I was the only woman. My first introduction, by my male friend and team member from my church, was as “the pastor’s wife. “ In my head, I know that my friend was trying to honor and elevate me to a position of importance, but my heart sank when I heard those words because I knew that there would be significant fallout. My shoulders dropped, and I let out a deep, silent sigh. I literally deflated. In that split second, he chose to introduce me as the pastor’s wife rather than use my title which indicated the actual reason I was on the trip. 

I am a pastor and the director of global partnerships at our church. Instead I had been identified only through my relationship to my husband who wasn’t even there with us. It was a strange moment because my friend who introduced me is a volunteer who works directly under my pastoral leadership. We have worked together on various projects for years. In that moment, among the group of all male pastors, my identity was lost. A pastor’s wife, in this setting, is not important and plays no significance in the overall goals of the trip for the men who were present.

As we rode in a van together to our first destination, I was interested to learn about the others who had joined me on this trip. While I am an introvert at heart, I enjoy meeting like-minded individuals so that we can share ideas, strategies, and stories. I jumped into my usual series of questions like “Where are you from?” “What church are you with?” “What is your role?” “How did you get connected here?” and “How do you see your church engaging with this organization?” Oddly, not a single person showed curiosity about who I was or why I was there.  

Two of the men in the group were the Directors of Church Partnerships for the organization that I was visiting. I expected them to aggressively interact with me and in some ways “sell” the vision of the organization so that I would be inspired and in turn, encourage my church to become a sustaining partner. I expected them to engage me in conversation about my church and our goals. I expected them to answer my questions and open up new ideas or opportunities.  Again, my expectations were wrong. While the two men did answer my questions, their answers were always brief.  Not once did they engage me in a way that acknowledged my high level of experience and understanding as well as the resources that I bring to the table which are hundreds of volunteers, thousands of dollars, and the drive to see God do the miraculous.  

Nothing traumatic or particularly dramatic happened on this trip. No one was rude or angry.  I wasn’t attacked or shunned. In the grand scheme of things, my trip was successful. Yet, the nagging emotions that plagued me throughout the trip were the feelings of being devalued and disconnected. I cannot make firm statements on why any of this happened. I do not know these men well. I don’t know their stories, their theology, or their hearts. I have, however, been in similar situations time and time again. I have found over the years that there are predictable and common reasons why some female pastors like myself struggle to exist in the pastoral world. 

As a woman pastor working in a predominately male profession, I long to be acknowledged as a professional in the field where God has placed me. I am dignified when others, especially men, engage me in conversation, ask me questions, make eye contact, give me a seat at the table, ask me to speak or lead, and take my ideas seriously. These gestures are simple yet profound to me as a woman pastor. However, these moments are still rare in the church. I hope that one day I won’t be surprised when they occur.  

I wasn’t surprised about how this trip unfolded because unfortunately it has been typical in my life. As I lay in my bed, the voices of the men in the guesthouse faded into the background. I grabbed my book, crawled under the covers, and read until I fell asleep. When I returned home, I shared my story with my husband and some of my male and female colleagues. Then I did what I always do. I returned to my office and got back to work doing what God has called me to do—pastoring in the local church and joining God in changing the world.

5 WAYS TO STAY ENCOURAGED 

1.  Remember Who You Are.

You are God’s masterpiece. He made you exactly the way you are, with your personality, gifts, skills, passions, and experiences. God made you for a specific purpose in His world that only you can fill. Only you can be you. Without you, the world would be lacking. The path that God has put you on is yours to forge. He did not make a mistake when he created you for leadership in ministry. So be the real you, or as David Benner says, “Live in the truth of your being.”

2.  Remember Who God Is.

Romans 8:31 reminds us, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” If God is the One who has called you, who has placed you in a position of influence, then others may try to impede you, but they cannot stop you. When you know that God is on your side, you can keep moving forward with confidence even in the face of discouragement and opposition because His will cannot be thwarted. God’s call is the anchor that you can hold on to when the voices in your head or in your world get so loud that you begin to doubt.  

3.  Seek Out Support.

We need others more than we can imagine. We were made for connection. Especially when we face struggles and opposition, we need a team by our side. So whether it’s within your organization, within your broader community, or even virtually, find your tribe. Find your people that understand you, your work, and can encourage you when you are lonely or frustrated.   

4.  Speak Up.

Don’t be afraid to give voice to the issues that you see and the problems you face as a woman in leadership. Many organizations and people are simply blind to how words, actions, and policies affect a woman’s ability to lead effectively. Help others to become educated. Speak into the culture. Assist your church and organization to grow in its ability to support women at all levels of leadership.

5.  Consider a Change.

If your organization is highly antagonistic towards women in leadership, you may need to find another place to use your gifts. If you are not allowed to reach your full potential, you may need to make a change so that you can fully live out your calling. You owe it to God to not waste the gifts He has given you.