Raising Kids in a Glass House

Parenting in the home of a church leader is like an Apollo mission to the moon. Everyone is watching, the stakes are high, and the job is intense. It requires great skill and many prayers. That being said, many children of ministers have grown up to be history makers: Albert Schweitzer, Martin Luther King, Jr., and the Wright brothers. Ministry kids in general tend to become well-rounded, educated, thoughtful, and successful professionals. All parents are novices at the job; we learn as our children grow. And by the time we start to feel some level of confidence and expertise, we’ve become grandparents.

Sociologists say raising kids today is harder than ever due to our globalized, stressed, information-saturated, child-indulged (yet neglected), and rapidly changing society in America. Our kids have more than any previous generation, yet they are angrier and more thrill-seeking than previous generations. They find trust more difficult and commitments difficult to maintain in their relationships. Yet they are also better educated, more humanitarian and searching for significance beyond materialism. King David’s son Solomon could relate to this crisis. He tells us about it in Ecclesiastes. He had everything he could possibly want, yet found it all meaningless without God. We want our children to see past the fleeting pleasures of video games and popularity, to their calling by God, and to have a passion to love others. Yet each child must make this journey and discover it for himself.

Our jobs as leaders in the church can make parenting very difficult. We have a congregation of eyes watching our children and watching us parenting them. Choices we make in discipline, schools, and what we allow them to see or own, often serve as a model for others. Our congregation is watching our kids in many small settings and sees the character of our children up close. The need for wisdom can be a heavy burden.

In ministry we have sacrificed much of our right to privacy. Our lives are laid open as we abandon ourselves to God’s service. It comes out in what we say, how we look, what our kids do and say, what we teach, preach, and write. The ministry results in thousands of ways we can disappoint people, so we must give up the pride of thinking we can maintain a perfect image. Authenticity, consistency, humility, and boundaries are what people will respect.

Our kids are regularly put into impossible positions. My experience is that they are singled out and observed more in the school and community setting than in the church setting. I remember, with frustration, getting a negative report from my fourth-grade son’s principal one afternoon. At the all-school assembly (320 kids), my son hadn’t sat squarely facing her in the front! Childhood is about making mistakes and maturing through experience in order to gain wisdom and build character.

Our society has sped up with fourth grade girls looking like Madonna, but the process of moral, emotional, relational, and spiritual development doesn’t speed up. It can’t be rushed without losing something in the process.

Our kids desperately need our loving connection to offset peer pressure. Over-controlled, rigidly silenced kids who are harshly made to “act out” a role in order to make daddy and mommy look good, will only suffer later on. It could breed anger, shame and confusion about who they really are and what they believe. It could make them more vulnerable to dangerous, addictive, cultic, or over-controlling relationships. Ministry kids need to experience a strong connection of love, they need boundaries in the form of protection and they need to feel that they are uniquely known and loved. This is how God loves us ⎯ personally, while applying truth and grace.

Our society confuses love with performance, and rewards kids with indulgent things, lessons and opportunities. Love becomes a competitive earning experience versus “I know you and like to be with you” experience. We need to be primarily concerned about our children’s developmental needs over and above the image they portray. If they sense you love God and desire to display His character in all you say and do − in the house and outside the house ⎯ they will respect you. If they sense you love church, or are more devoted to ministry than to your spouse or kids, seeds of rebellion will be planted.

Kids really are used by God to sanctify us. No one can drive us crazier, bring us to the brink of rage faster, and break our hearts more deeply, than our sons and daughters. Training up a child in the way he or she should go involves getting to know the uniquely created and gifted being that our Heavenly Father placed in our home. For example, Carly struggles scholastically, but loves animals − the perfect training ground for gifts of empathy and compassion. Kristy is bossy and loud ⎯ a perfect opportunity to help shape a future leader.

As the congregation sees our children as normal (just like theirs − “little sinners”), and they see us struggling out of love to be good parents, they will identify with us. Watching us trying to model Christ’s character with the help of the Holy Spirit instead of polishing our image could result in their seeking a real relationship with Jesus Christ for themselves. We need each other, as a church family to put our arms around all the children in our congregation.