Reckless Abandon

“Never begin to say—‘well, I wonder if He did speak?’ Be reckless immediately, fling it all out on Him.” (Oswald Chambers)

On Good Friday of this year, Jesus called me to walk on water; to trust and do something reckless. Our pastor asked us to write down an area of our lives that we needed to submit to Jesus. Without hesitation, I wrote “selfishness.” Taking a nail between my fingers, I gently pounded the slip of paper into the soft wood of the cross. As I did, I prayed, “Lord, help me be selfless. Give me the discernment to hear your voice and act selflessly when you ask.” 

Driving in the car the same day, I heard an interview on the radio. A woman needed a kidney. I could never do that, I thought. But then she explained how difficult it was for her to find a donor because of her rare blood type. When she stated that she had Type O negative blood, I knew. In Matthew 14:29, Jesus asks Peter to come out of the boat and walk on water with Him. I had no doubt in my mind that it was Jesus’ voice telling me to get out of my boat.

Rushing into my house, I told my husband of the interview and how God was asking me to donate. He was cautious, and recommended I do some research before signing up. On Monday morning, after a weekend of reading what the surgery might entail, I continued to feel confident of my decision and called the donation center.

I was fearless at the beginning of my journey, just like Peter. When he first got out of the boat, he could walk on water. He had complete faith. But just as Peter saw the wind and waves and began to sink, so did I. There were hours of testing that left me exhausted. During one appointment, I gave 28 vials of blood. The voices in my head started doubting, Does Jesus really want me to do this? What if my children ever need a kidney? How is my family going to manage day-to-day life while I’m healing? 

Not only did many questions cloud my mind, but circumstances kept changing. The original recipient’s DNA rejected mine, so the transplant coordinators took a new course. The plan was that I would donate to another woman who also had a donor. This would result in a chain that would inevitably end up giving the original recipient a kidney.

But more waves came. The night before I was to go in for surgery, the coordinator called to tell me that the recipient was not healthy enough to withstand the surgery. There was another woman next on the list, but she did not have a donor. This would mean my donation would not impact the original woman—the reason I had started this journey. As I rushed to the hospital to have my DNA checked for the new recipient, I prayed, “Lord, I don’t know what you’re doing, but help me trust.” And just as Jesus did with Peter, He took my hand and gave me peace. 

Two days later, I met my recipient in her hospital room. She is a beautiful young woman who has struggled daily to live a normal life: watch her son play baseball, attend her brother’s wedding, go on vacation. Jesus chose her for the kidney from the very beginning. It’s not my job to second-guess God. It’s my job to say “yes” to him with reckless abandonment, and He will take care of the rest.