Who's in Control Anyway?

Have you ever been labeled a “control freak” by family, friends, or even by your own self? I have, by all the above! Maybe it’s my compulsion to always be the driver when friends and I go on outings (being punctual in both arrival and departure are key to staying on schedule). Or maybe it’s my insistence in holding all the family parties, celebrations, and picnics and leaving the “bring a covered dish” alternative to others (there’s sweet comfort in knowing who is on the guest list, the food that will be served, and the time frame in which the event takes place). Yes, I have “control issues”!

I spent years falsely thinking I had control over many matters, such as when my only sibling, a sister, was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer at the age of 32. At the time of her diagnosis she was a vibrant athlete running marathons and working as an audiologist at a prestigious hospital. Only a month prior, she had been accepted into medical school with great aspirations of becoming a doctor.

Life sure can change with one phone call. I wondered with the rest of my family, where was God and why wasn’t he fixing all of this? We prayed and hoped, yet her health continued to deteriorate. My heart broke as I watched our dad cry over her bedside voicing his sense of helplessness. She lived a little over one year from the diagnosis.

I did not understand why my sister had to go through all the painful things that she did at the time it happened, and 18 years later, still do not. I do know however, that none of us could control the outcome. I had the choice to seek God’s comfort or falsely blame God, becoming angry and bitter. Thankfully, I chose the former, and the Prince of Peace surrounded me. “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:7 NIV) became very real to me.

I learned what a refuge the Lord truly is and the gift we receive as we hand everything over to God’s care and control. He knows best. His thoughts are not like ours and we only see a portion of what is going on.

I also was confronted with my inability to control things when our precious son was in an automobile accident a week before his high school graduation. In the thick of the night fog, our son missed a curve and hit a tree head on. As we sat in the emergency room, we were in disbelief as the doctor told us Dillon had a broken neck. It was the worst type of break, otherwise known as “the hangman’s break” (named after the break that would occur during public hangings). The miraculous news, however, was that our son was alive and had no paralysis. God be praised!

In those early hours—and what became months—I learned to lean on and fully trust in God. I became an instant caregiver and felt so inadequate to do the things I needed to do. I became fearful at even leaving our son in the house alone. What if he’d fall or needed something and couldn’t get to it in a timely manner? There were days I felt suffocated with my concerns.

I finally came to a place of letting go of my efforts to control every aspect of Dillon’s healing and my ability to care adequately for him and gave it all over to God. What relief! The Lord truly is my rock, fortress, and deliverer. Our son made it to graduation in a wheelchair and halo/vest medical apparatus, which temporarily kept his spine stable. He received a standing ovation as he slowly stood up and carefully walked across the floor to get his diploma!

These two dramatic events had two very different outcomes. Prayers went up for both, yet in one, the worst-case scenario came to pass, and in the other, the best came about. He was just as present and in control in my sister’s hospice room as He was at my son’s successful operation and recovery. If I would have kept my eyes focused on Him and His power and His goodness, I could have saved myself from so much needless worry and anxiety.

God is always good, always keeps his promises, always loves, and is always looking out for His children.

God has challenged me through many trials over the years to trust Him. I am still learning as God gives me reminders when He sees me slipping back into “control-mode” that He knows all and knows best. When I commit each day to Him, spend time in prayer, read the Word faithfully, and obey, He gently leads me—and my need for control diminishes. In fact, I find myself relieved to hand the control over to God.

I still may have a few “control freak” tendencies, but I am learning to cut myself a break. I have come a long way, but God’s not done with me yet.