Coping with Perfectionist Tendencies

You're trying to persuade a woman to take on the responsibility of decorations for an event, but she keeps saying she doesn't think she can do a good job. You have a friend whom you enjoy talking with, but after every one of your conversations, she calls back to clarify something she'd said. In each of these situations, you shake your head in frustration. Why can't these women handle things better?

Why? Because they are all perfectionists - including you! To some degree, I see characteristics of perfectionism in almost every person I interact with, including me! Yet, most people don't understand they are being affected by it. As I've gone across the United States speaking on perfectionism, I developed a nine-statement quiz. Take it for yourself. For any of the following statements, if it applies to you, check it. And remember it doesn't have to apply 100 percent of the time.

The Perfectionist Quiz

___I keep waiting to become perfect so that God can love me unconditionally.

___A lot of my mental energy is spent evaluating my performance.

___It's difficult for me to give praise before something is completed 100 percent.

___I really thought my life would be more in control by now. 

___It's hard for me to forgive myself or other's when my expectations aren't met.

___To me, there's no difference between excellence and perfection.

___It's hard for me to understand whey other people can't get their act together.

___I feel compelled to straighten out any real or imagined misunderstandings.

___I won't begin something if there's a possibility I can't do it well.

If three or more of these statements apply to you, you have perfectionist tendencies.

Addressing Perfectionist Tendencies in Yourself

So what can we do to lessen those perfectionist tendencies in ourselves?

We need to recognize that God already views us as perfect in our position in Christ. Colossians 2:10 says that "in Christ" we are already "complete" or "perfect."  His love is based on Jesus' robe of righteousness that makes us acceptable in His eyes. God already loves and accepts us as much as He possibly can - even as He prunes the ungodly portions from our lives. 

And, because we are living on this earth, we are in a process of growth, of pruning. But that's all right with God! In Philippians 1:6, Paul writes, "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." God is not standing up in heaven, tapping his foot, saying "When are you going to get perfect so that I can love you perfectly?" Instead He's saying, "I already love you completely, even as I work within your life."

Paul also wrote, "Take pains with these things; be absorbed in them, so that your progress may be evident to all" (1 Timothy 4:15). If God had asked me to write that verse, I would have written, "...so that your perfection may be evident to all." We perfectionists think only something perfect should represent the Lord.

The One Percent Principle

When I looked up the word "progress" in Vine's Biblical Dictionary, it said that it has the idea of "a pioneer cutting his way through the brushwood." A perfectionist pioneer would want to use a mile-long axe and cut down the brushwood in one fell swoop. But of course, we would actually have available a foot-long axe. Yet, as we take step after step through the brushwood, swinging our axe, we will make progress little by little.

In a practical way, progress can be best encouraged through what I call a "One Percent Principle." In other words, it's seeking excellence - not perfection - through one-percent growth in an area. Perfectionists often only value 100 percent growth. Yet we never reach such an unrealistic standard. Instead, as we learn to be for even one-percent progress in an area, through the Holy Spirit's empowering, we'll diminish our perfectionist tendencies.

Addressing Perfectionist Tendencies in Others

The next time you talk with the woman who doesn't feel confident doing the decorations, ask her for one idea about decorating the tables. That will be her one-percent step to getting involved. How about that friend who has a need to clarify something in your conversation because it could be a potential misunderstanding? At the end of every conversation, say, "...you don't need to call me back. Nothing you could ever say will diminish my love for you."

And of course, when you experience the normal frustrations perfectionist tendencies in others evoke, try to remember an area in your own life that makes you feel insecure and thank God that's He's working with you to make progress in it. After all, we are all needy in some way. That's so we'll see the Lord!