Getting Out of Control

I loathe the child’s game of “keep away,” in which two or more people throw an item over the head of the person who is “it.” Often used to be cruel to others, even a friendly game would keep what I wanted just out of reach. I was at the mercy of the skills and heights of my tormentors. It didn’t seem fair. When I was a kid, I would often just walk away from the game, abandoning bragging rights or whatever the object that was out of my reach. 

For so much of my life it seemed like I could control hard times by working harder, waiting a circumstance out, or finding someone to change the situation for me.

Elusive as that kept-away object, is the feeling of control over my life. For so much of my life it seemed like I could control hard times by working harder, waiting a circumstance out, or finding someone to change the situation for me. Even prayer felt like a way to control adversity. If I prayed hard enough, or using the right methods, or got enough people to pray, then maybe I could get God to change the difficult circumstances, and I would feel in control once again. It was so important for me to feel in control. 

Control wasn’t something I struggled with during my childhood, feeling supported and loved by my family. As I progressed onto college, life got harder, but I worked harder and felt satisfied with the results. After getting married and having kids, I struggled with holding things together. But I tried to be more organized, read the right books, and be good enough, assuming life would eventually even out. A problem would show up, I’d find a solution that might work for a little while and then move on. 

I would pray about challenges because it seemed the right thing to do, but I kept worrying about all the possible scenarios and kept trying to control the situation around me. I was always overthinking, stressed out, and overwhelmed, and it showed in how I interacted with people. I couldn’t relax because I was always worried about the next thing. I fretted about what would happen and how I would handle it, because I was counting on myself to handle it alone. I was crabby and more than a little bitter. 

It was during my father’s illness that I finally broke. As he struggled with dementia the last few years of his life, I struggled to feel in control at all. I wondered why God let this happen to my dad, and how I could endure the grief I felt as he slipped away. I no longer felt like I had control of my life, but instead had to let it unfold painfully around me. I couldn’t fix this.

On the handful of days when I spent a few hours alone with my dad so my mom could go to the doctor or some other much-needed appointment, I struggled to keep him calm and engaged until her return. My strong, wonderful father had trouble recognizing who I was, and it was tearing me apart. I could not control these circumstances by hard work, patience, or even prayer. But I could pray for God to change my heart in the present circumstances. And oh, the Lord was faithful. He showed up and got to work in my worried and grieving heart.

As I let go of that control—the control I never really had in the first place—the Lord provided strength for each of those days.

I knew that I could trust Him even when life around me felt like a punch to the gut. I knew that He would hold me close even when I couldn’t feel Him. God saw me through the hardest time in my life. I know that He can and will do so in the future.

Throughout that time and others since, I’ve clung to these three verses.

1.  Romans 8:38-39: “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” I rejoice that there is no circumstance that can separate me from God’s faithful love.

2.  2 Corinthians 4:7-9: “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” Even and especially during the trials, I am reminded that I am persevering by the power of God. He will sustain me.

3.  Psalm 36:7: “How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.” This verse was the perfect picture to hold in my mind when I felt like I couldn’t do even one more thing. I pictured being covered by God’s protection, finding a safe place to rest and remind myself of God’s truth. One of my most precious gifts is a necklace with this verse on it, which my friend gave me the year my dad died. I wear it now to remember how God answered my prayers. 

Prayer helps me surrender the situation to God, who is so powerful! Psalm 147:5 says that “Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.” He can handle whatever situation comes our way, whether He chooses to remove that difficulty or walk with me through it. God has seen me through struggles with the confidence that He was with me, no matter how painful the experience felt. I’ve trusted God to sort out heartbreaking situations that I never even dreamed I would go through. Mine is an imperfect journey, to be sure, but it is progress toward the woman God wants me to be.