Letting Go of False Guilt

As a life coach, I have noticed that most women are susceptible to the universal, demeaning plague of false guilt. The symptoms of this plague are self-condemnation, false shame, self-pity and fatigue.

“I feel guilty most of the time,” a client named Andrea said recently. “I can’t seem to do anything right.  I feel like I’m the dumping ground for every problem in our family. I get blamed for everything that goes wrong. What is wrong with me?”

If you feel like Andrea, nothing is wrong with you, but there is something wrong with your thinking. Many of us do not know that we open the door for the plague of false guilt into our lives. When it sickens us, we fail to diagnose it, so we become its chronic, burdened victims.

It seems that many women almost beg for blame. For example, how many times a day do you say “I’m sorry?” I do not mean that you are expressing sorrow that something unfortunate happened, but that in some way, you are unconsciously or verbally taking blame.

Look at when and why you say, “I’m sorry.”   Here are some examples:

1.  If a teacher calls and says that your child forgot his lunch, do you automatically say, “Oh, I’m so sorry?”

2.  If your husband’s shirts come back from the cleaners with the collars crinkled, and he says, “Honey, look at these shirts.  They’re a mess.”  Do you say, “Oh, honey, I’m sorry!”

3.  If your family goes on a vacation and when you return, someone says, “We missed your teaching at Bible study.  We couldn’t find a sub, so it wasn’t as good?”  Then do you wonder if you really should have gone on the family vacation?  Did you feel responsible for your friend’s opinion that the Bible study was not as good?”  Did you say, “I’m sorry?”  Sorry for what?

If you answered yes to two of those three questions, you may a habit of taking blame for circumstances that are not your fault.  It sounds as if you may be actually thinking, “It’s my fault that my son forgot his lunch, my fault that the cleaner’s wrinkled the shirts, and my fault the Bible study wasn’t good.” How could that possibly be true? Doesn’t just reading this make you tired?

When you automatically say, “I’m sorry” for everything that goes wrong, you are verbally creating a perception of guilt. Without realizing it, you may be notifying everyone around you that you are a convenient dumping ground for their sins and mistakes. That may be why you feel as if there is something wrong with you.

For example, do you hear comments like “Mom…why did you let me forget my lunch?” or “Honey, why do you keep use that cleaners?” or “Why weren’t you able to be there when we really needed you?”

When we feel that we have the power to make so many things go wrong, we can feel very significant. For example, just think how much power you must have to make a child forget his lunch, or to cause the cleaners to do a poor job, or to ruin a Bible study by your absence!

The false significance you may feel for a moment ends quickly. Then the cycle of self-condemnation, false shame, self-pity and fatigue begins. When we take responsibility for the mistakes or sins of others, we are taking on false guilt.

A true response would have been, “Son, you need to remember to take your lunch.” Or “Hmmmm, the cleaners messed up again.” or “Maybe it would be a good idea to for various members to prepare to substitute from now on.”

That way, each person must bear responsibility for whatever has gone wrong.  Remember that your words create a perception.  If you verbally take the blame long enough, you will train the people around you to automatically blame you for things that are not your fault.

What is the difference between true and false guilt?

We experience true guilt when we have done something morally or ethically wrong, or if we made a careless mistake that hurt someone.

2 Corinthians 7:9 tells us that guilt is God’s warning signal so that we can repent and change our direction. It is like a smoke alarm in your house.  If you heed it and obey God’s warning, you will escape harm.

False guilt occurs when we accept the blame for something someone else has done.  False guilt is a very deceitful weapon, because it cripples us when we are innocent.

For example, a friend named Clarice said to me, “When my husband had an affair and asked for a divorce, he said, “I left you because you were a dull, boring wife!”  Clarice continued, “Since he said that, I have felt to blame for the failure of my marriage.  In fact, I’ve been afraid to make new friends or date because I feel like I’m so dull and boring.”

Clarice’s husband had blamed her for his decision to have an affair, and she had accepted and internalized the blame he placed on her.  The false guilt she mistakenly accepted caused her to feel unworthy of friendship or romance. She accepted total blame for the failure of her marriage and contaminated her life with false guilt. She was stuck.

When we are blamed, we need to ask the Holy Spirit, “Did I do anything wrong?”  If you did, admit it and make the changes you need to make.  If not, don’t take the blame. Declare yourself not guilty!

Give up the idea that you must be responsible for keeping everyone in your world happy!  Ask God to show you how and where to use your gifts so that you may experience genuine significance, without the backlash of false guilt. Remember, if you find yourself “feeling guilty,” ask, “Did I do anything wrong?”

As you practice this, people around you will have a chance to take their own responsibility because you will no longer be snatching their opportunity away. Because you will be breaking a cycle, you may need to explain why you are making a shift.  After all, it was easier for them when you carried the blame, but hold fast to the truth you have learned.  In the long run, everyone around you will grow up a little and you will feel less and less like there is always something wrong with you.

Above all, do not apologize for making this change in your life. Don’t be “sorry” about it. Be glad!

~ By Lynda Elliott