Running From Those We Love

Crystal nervously anticipates going to church. She fears her mind will go blank, as it has in the past, when talking to certain intimidating people. She’s been told she appears aloof. She wishes she had a button to push to make her mind clear and her tongue loosen up into gregarious small talk. Yet Crystal loves people, outwardly appears calm and socially confident, but inwardly she feels tight. Sundays are exhausting!

Sarah talks too much, especially around quiet people, to make up for the awkward silences. Her red-blotched neck betrays her secret fears. She cannot stand being the center of attention. She avoids contests, competitive sports, and parties because of the headaches and stomachaches such attention brought her. Now as a ministry wife, she dreads having to sit in the front and her skin crawls at the thought of being watched by people in the congregation. Sarah got a job with computers and worked long hours, which excused her absence at various church functions. However, doing well at work led to a managerial promotion. Six months later she was rushed to the ER with chest pain, which turned out to be a panic attack.

Patty was a pastor’s kid who never measured up to her dad’s expectations. She was not the kind of kid he wanted and she knew it. Her naturally shy temperament kept her on the fringes of the church’s youth group. Teasing at school was a daily occurrence because kids liked seeing her blush. Patty’s nervousness around people made her seem too intense, controlling, or sharp edged. How could she explain the “issue at hand” wasn’t the cause of the intensity in her voice? Rather it was the vulnerability of talking out loud that tightened her voice and raised its volume. Having people over to the house after 8 p.m. gave Patty insomnia, as it seemed to take forever for her to wind down. What she said, and didn’t say, were tapes playing on the repeat button of her brain for hours.

These women suffer from social anxiety. They pray for courage to face a threat that is not actually a danger. The perceived danger is people, even people they love. It is like having an allergy. My body reacts to rabbit dander as though it were invading bacteria. I sneeze, itch, blow my nose and feel tired. Rabbits are not dangerous, but my body is confused and overreacts. This leads me to stay away from rabbits. However, it is easier to avoid rabbits than it is people!

The socially anxious person perceives danger at the end of every phone call, every handshake, and every school, soccer or church event. They may only feel a mild tension, or sweat, blush, have a racing heart, and stumble with their words. Studies have repeatedly shown shyness or high arousal at being around other people is an inborn trait showing itself in infancy. This can predispose a person to be overly concerned about making a favorable impression on others. However, if you don’t trust your ability to be successful but instead envision yourself “looking stupid” you end up with anxiety. This nervousness can create an awkwardness that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you identify with these examples you know it is a painful and frustrating thorn in the flesh. God has made each of us differently. He made the quiet, behind-the-scenes type, and the up-front kind of people. Can you change? Do you need fixing or do you need acceptance? You will have to challenge the critical thoughts you have about yourself that fan the flames of anxiety. Are you being critical about God’s workmanship in designing you? When you understand yourself and what causes you stress or makes you nervous, you can plan strategies to cope and help yourself. Even Jesus had to retreat from the crowds and go off into the wilderness to replenish Himself before the Father. If you’ve been out too much with crowds, or intense situations, give yourself permission to pull in and away from people for a time of rest. Do what you can do - smile, give a warm handshake, listen, talk to one safe person, tell yourself it is okay to be quiet or alone in a group setting.

A neurologist told me he has seen a predominance of social anxiety problems in ministry wives. Usually we are acutely aware of how others are feeling and behaving. As a ministry wife, there are just so many people to deal with and we often see what our husbands don’t! Unfortunately, in the fishbowl living of the ministry, jealous, suspicious or critical people give their negative feedback. Too often they feel they have the right to critique you because of your role. They look to you to make up for disappointments they have suffered in their life. You are in a no-win situation.

1 Thessalonians says, “Make it your goal to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands.” You don’t need to push yourself to try and please everyone. Pray for a thick skin instead. You cannot control others’ opinions. It has a lot more to do with their situations, needs and feelings than it does about you. You may be gifted at reading body language but off-track in taking it personally. Jesus did not please everyone. He died publicly humiliated. He understands our suffering. His love and approval must be foremost in our thinking.