How to Love Your Messy Home

In my role as a counselor, something that I often hear women say is, “I just can’t relax when my home is messy.” This is frequently followed with, “Unfortunately, I can never get on top of my cleaning.”

Other related comments may be: “I never have time to relax” or, “I just don’t have any time to myself.”

Their accompanying emotions may include feeling run down, short tempered, frustrated, stressed, even depressed.

Whenever I hear such comments, an image of Martha and Mary springs to my mind, from Luke chapter 10:38-42.

“As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, ‘Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!’”

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, ‘you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.’”

I can envision Martha looking tired and stressed, finding it difficult to relax due to her to-do-list hanging over her, feeling annoyed about the perceived lack of support that she is receiving. I can also envision Mary’s carefree adoration of Jesus, despite the many chores that still await her in the kitchen.

Mary made a choice to make time to connect with what was most nourishing to her spirit—being in the presence of Jesus—over attending to the tasks of the material world (which, to most families, seem to be without end).

Martha found it harder to step outside of the social expectations of the hostess role, and may have missed out on receiving spiritual nourishment from being in the presence of Jesus and listening to His wisdom.

I find the story of Mary and Martha replaying itself over and over again in the lives of many women today. Many have been conditioned (whether by societal, cultural expectations, or by historical legacies) to focus their energy on attending to and being mindful of others’ thoughts and feelings more so than their own.

A common client who comes to me for counseling is a woman who finds it hard to relax and feels pulled in many directions.

Very often, her family’s, society’s, and culture’s expectations around the roles of  “wife,” “mother,” “daughter,” or “daughter in law,” can distract her from attending to what she is experiencing on the inside and sever her connection with what gives her nourishment and inspiration—for example, quiet reflection or prayer time. She often feels like there is little room in her life to nourish and care for herself.

While I admire and appreciate the hard work that’s involved in creating a comfortable and clean living space for one’s family, I find that many women associate their sense of worth and esteem with how clean their home is, or experience a sense of social judgment around the tidiness of their house reflecting their worth as a woman, wife, or mother.

Within my own family, the account of Jesus’ visit with Martha and Mary challenges me every day.

While I am writing this, I have a pile of washing stacked on the sofa right behind me. There are building blocks on the floor and a few scattered toys around. The kitchen floor has not been wiped for two days. I could go on.

But, that’s okay. When my children awake from their nap, I doubt that they will notice. It’s more likely that they will notice their mommy smiling back at them, feeling re-energized from attending to something other than picking up after them.

When my husband comes home, they will see their parents fold the laundry together, helping one another. They will see all family members taking responsibility, as a family unit, for the cleanliness of our home.

They will witness a relationship which strives to model mutual support for, and consideration of, one another by allowing all family members their time to relax, so that every person has an opportunity to connect with what is most nourishing to them and attend to their self-development.

Keeping our family’s focus on our spiritual development as individuals and encouraging each other’s growth is one of our most important goals, one that helps us to love our messy home.

~ By Bozena Zawisz