Extravagant Grace

Scarred by an abusive childhood and recently broken by a personal struggle, many churches and organizations would have pulled Diane Thomas from ministry, found a replacement teacher for her Bible studies, and questioned her involvement with missions, declaring her unfit for service. But God, in His extravagant grace, had other plans for Diane. For the majority of her Christian life, God has not only used her, but He has set her in places of strategic influence around the world.   

For the last ten years, she and her husband, Bryan, have ministered in Krasnodar, Russia where he coordinates the Biblical Leadership Training Coalition, which trains men and women to be leaders and church planters. A linguist, Diane has learned and taught five languages across the globe and she currently directs the Russian Culture and Language Program, where she works worldwide as a culture and language consultant. Amazingly, God is using her painful childhood in her role on the Russian teaching team for trauma and abuse therapy. Diane knows firsthand what it’s like to be abused and it is no mistake that she has been placed in a culture where even Christian women are daily being abused.

As if an abusive childhood was not difficult enough, Diane recently found herself faced with a tragedy she thought she would be isolated from as a mature Christian and career missionary. Two years ago, Diane and her husband learned that their oldest daughter had been abused in a missionary boarding school as a young child, has now walked away from the Lord, left her husband and mission work (they were missionaries in Russia too), and was caught in sin.  How does a couple in a visible ministry deal with such news? And what does God do with someone like Diane, who taught classes on parenting, trusting God, and prayer ─ the one whom others looked to as an example of discipline in the Christian walk? Does He send her home from the mission field? Not in Diane’s case.   

She has graciously shared her story with Just Between Us (JBU) as a source of hope and support to the growing number of Christian leaders facing similar scenarios.  

JBU: 

How did you feel called to missions?  

Diane: While Bryan and I were attending Florida Bible College, a missionary shared about places where people did not have the chance to know Christ. Immediately, we both felt God wanted us to be missionaries. After completing New Tribe’s Mission’s training program, our first assignment took us to the Philippines where we ministered for 13 years. In 1990, while home on medical furlough, we received a call asking us to start a training program for Russian nationals, similar to what we were doing in the Philippines. God had planted the seed in my heart for the Russian people many years earlier as a young believer in my teens when I read a book about the persecuted church in Russia. I was thrilled with the opportunity before us.

JBU: 

How did your family react to your decision to move?

Diane: Our oldest daughter was only a year old when we left for the Philippines; our youngest was born there. Both girls still love the country and the people; in fact, we are planning a family trip there next summer.  

Moving to Russia, however, was another story. Our oldest was fourteen-years-old and did not want to leave the Philippines. We talked and prayed with her about it and told her that we would not go if she was strongly against it. One night she told us that God had spoken to her heart and she was ready to go!  

JBU: 

What struggles did you have in the decision?

Diane: My biggest faith struggle, and I would say it is often the most difficult for many missionary moms, is the decision to send our children to boarding school. There are no words to express the heartbreak of both parent and child not being together for sports events, concerts, and teen struggles.    

Another struggle was the logistics of relocating. Oftentimes I would say to my husband, with boxes scattered all over the house, “Did I ever tell you that I hate this part?” I cannot count the times we have packed up or lived in a place “temporarily.” Now, I tell young missionary women to make their homes a place that reflects who they are.  Make it comfortable wherever it may be, for however short a time it may be.  

JBU:

Tell us about life for Russian women.

Diane: Russian women are strong women. They need to be; many husbands walk out on their brides because they tire of them, leaving them to raise the children alone. Because women outnumber men, there is a lot of competition, which results in an emphasis on outward appearance for sexual attention. The primary form of birth control in Russia is abortion.  Most women have experienced one, if not several, abortions, as well as emotional trauma from abuse.    

JBU: 

What is your perspective on women who are angry with men?

Diane: By the time I became a Christian, my view of God was so messed up. I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive home with an alcoholic father.  My mother taught me from an early age to hate men. My dad was disappointed in me from the day I was born, because I was supposed to be a boy. I grew up trying to gain my dad’s acceptance; I tried to be the best in sports and school, but never measured up. Later in life, I was the victim of several sexual attacks. I transferred all the distorted beliefs to trying to be the best Christian in order to gain my Heavenly Father’s approval. But God, in His mercy and grace, gave me a tender-loving husband to help heal my heart and give me an example of who He was. Though a long process, it has given me understanding of the “love-hate” relationship Russian women have with men, giving me common ground to build relationships and add credibility to my message.  

JBU: 

What unique struggles do Russian women face?    

Diane: Having traveled around the world, I’ve found that many of the trials are the same for all of us.  However, the Russian culture presents unique moral issues for women. Most are raised without a father and have no male figure in their lives. Sexual activity often begins at a young age; it is accepted and expected. Women are drilled with “beauty requires sacrifice” from a young age and are put in high heels and tight skirts by the time they start school. Though marriage and motherhood are status symbols in Russia, the average marriage doesn’t last long. Divorce is just a two-day process, so the temptation to walk away from a marriage is strong. There are many battered women in Russia, even among Christians, as a result of male abuse through the political and economic system, the deprivation tactics used in military training, and continued Communist influence.  

JBU: 

What programs have been successful to reach Russian women?

Diane: The missionary community in Russia has only been there for 14 years; we have ministered for ten years. In Russia and most other countries, the primary element in reaching people for Christ is relationship - time spent loving the people. As Americans, we look to implement successful “programs.” Sometimes programs are easier, but it takes time to develop a relationship. Building relationships cannot be done in masses. My approach has been to build strong friendships with a few women who demonstrate leadership, and they, in turn, train others to have healthy relationships. My 27-year-old friend, Katia, said, “Diane, if I’m your project, I don’t want anything to do with you.”    

JBU: 

How would you compare Christian women in America to those in Russia?

Diane: Katia, my dear friend, has taught me about Russian culture and relationships. I have learned from her that respect is based on appearance. Therefore, it is important for me as a missionary in Russia to dress up, be fashionable and attractive, to show that a woman can turn heads and still be modest. 

Russian women have not been taught how to love their children and husband. They do not have the benefits of in-depth Bible studies, Christian music, literature, and radio programs. They need to learn the Word of God in order to fight the immoral culture.  

There are few Christian women leaders. Women are expected to take care of the children and show hospitality in their homes. They are just beginning to catch the vision for women’s ministry. Unlike Americans, they are not “how-to” practical people; they are artistic and philosophical. That’s why American programs do not always work in Russia.  

JBU: 

Was there ever a time when you felt unqualified for God’s service?

Diane: The heartbreak of our life is that our oldest daughter has walked away from God.  I never expected this from any of my children, especially not my always-obedient daughter. I used to think that if I did everything right, my kids would be alright. I was not prepared for this experience. There were days when I did not want to wake up in the morning. I felt like I was living someone else’s life. Not only did I feel unqualified to minister to others, but I also felt like the biggest failure as a mother and missionary. I pulled back from my responsibilities for six months to think and feel, and when I returned, I shared my struggles with the Russian women. We held each other and cried together. 

JBU: 

How do you keep serving others when your own heart was breaking over personal and family issues?

Diane: It was hard because few Christians were “there” for me. I was viewed as a professional in ministry, expected to minister no matter what I was going through. I yearned for a fellow missionary to say, “How do you feel?” Surprisingly, my support came from the Russian women. They wanted to know how I felt and expected nothing from me. They simply listened because they knew what it was like to be abused, to struggle. They taught me so much about relationships during that time. They watched me through the hardest days and said, “You were able to keep walking with God. You stayed with Him!”  It was how I handled struggle, not my great Bible study lessons!  

JBU: 

What did you learn from that time, and how did you overcome your doubts?

I would have to answer this in the present tense. I am still learning and struggling, but knowing the Word of God and the devices of Satan have helped me to actively stand up to him. I was pretty mad at God for a while for allowing all the ugly things to happen, while I was sacrificing so much to serve Him. I remember screaming and shaking my prayer list at Him one night, “How can I serve You, God?! You don’t even listen to me!” But before that night was over, He reminded me that His shoulders were broad enough to bear my anger, and He was actively working in our daughter’s life. Before this time, I was all about discipline, prayer journals, and successful programs. Now I’m about grace, compassion, and relationship ─ the deep, loving, connected type of relationship ─ the kind where we learn together. I am sorry for where I was before.  

Our daughter is still working through her issues, and I don’t know what the future holds for her, but I am confident that God will continue to do His work in her heart, and mine. 

JBU: 

What would you say to other parents whose kids are off track?

Diane: Share your struggles with others; don’t hide them. Some may judge or criticize you, but others will surface and will provide strength and solid encouragement. And your ministry may take on a new dimension when those in similar trials will turn to you for encouragement. 

JBU: 

What should we say to the friend who is going through a difficult time?

Diane: First, don’t give trite Christian answers like “Just trust the Lord,” “It’ll work out,” or “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Second, don’t judge where the person is or how she is handling her situation. I used to do that and now I’m in that place. And third, don’t place expectations on the one who is struggling. Give time. Don’t give advice. Simply say, “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”  

JBU:

What thoughts would you share with other women who may be going through a trial and who may be wrestling with the decision of whether or not they should leave ministry? 

Diane: Stop comparing yourself to others. Instead, look to Jesus and your Heavenly Father for your model. Ironically, by today’s standards, God Himself would have been viewed as a failure as a parent. We don’t often think about this, but His first two children disobeyed and turned against Him at Satan’s first temptation! It didn’t take much.

As God understood Adam and Eve, He understands your frailties and vulnerabilities. His love is not dependent on your successes and failures, but His love is unchanging, unlimited, and unconditional. And that’s not all. He even uses your failures and weaknesses for His glory. Imagine that!

Regardless of whether or not you are in a place of suffering, it is important to honestly examine your life and ministry on a regular basis. Weed out the unhealthy expectations, Satan’s lies, and pride. Listen to the truth in God’s Word, walk forward with your head up, arm and arm with Christ, allowing Him to use you as you are for His glory.  

The Strong One

I was she, the strong one, able to do so much and walking in my own strength.

I thought it was You, working in and through me, “using” me to accomplish your purposes.

But I now fear, too many times, it was just me.

Just me, able to tolerate much, determined and smart and so very successful.

Just, me, thinking I was only worth something to You for what I could do “for You.”

Just me, trying to earn your love and acceptance, trying to be more “worthy” of You.

And so I now seek to understand this unconditional love and grace and mercy that You long to provide,

So difficult for me to comprehend this paradigm, not based on any of my own achievement or effort.

Could it be that you can love me fully without my sacrifices of “ministry” on your behalf?

Will you love me the same on the days when I give you only 50 percent or less of my effort to serve?

Could you be pleased with just me and not my long prayer times and Bible reading, pouring myself out tirelessly to serve everyone or my 100 percent total commitment to You?

Could I really be special to You if I don’t stand out from the pack, walk taller, work harder or be smarter than the rest?

The old unconscious paradigm of service and reward have been shattered for me.

I walk ahead with my heart broken and battered but my hand firmly in His clasp, more aware than ever before of the mystery of this relationship dance between God and man.

~ Diane Thomas