Finding Purpose in Our Pain

Seeing Tammy Trent sing her heart out on stage, it was easy to think she had it all. A great family, a beautiful voice, and a passion for God that shone through. Yet her sunny façade never hints to the incredible struggle she’s been through and how she has relied on God to give her pain a purpose.

Up until September 11, 2001, Tammy felt like she did have it all. Then, the rug was pulled out from under her. While on a tropical vacation, she learned that New York City’s Twin Towers had been attacked and crumbled. That provided an awful backdrop for an even more personal tragedy. That same day, Tammy lost her beloved husband, Trent, during a diving accident. Trent was an experienced diver and this dive in the famed Blue Lagoon was supposed to be short—only 15 minutes. Yet as the minutes dragged on, Tammy knew something was wrong. The next day, on 9/11, authorities told her Trent’s body had been found. Tammy’s world crashed around her.

Because of 9/11, flights were grounded for 10 days. Tammy couldn’t return home, so no loved ones could come to comfort her. She found herself alone with strangers, grieving the sudden, unexpected loss of her husband, and questioning “Why?” Yet instead of turning from God when her life was falling apart, she ran straight into His arms because she knew only He provided a solid foundation.

Slowly, Tammy began a journey back to wholeness from the most devastating event of her life. Tammy continued to stand on the foundation of hope and healing that only God could provide. She knew that somehow He would give her pain purpose and turn it into something that could help others. Today, Tammy ministers to women from all walks of life, showing them God is present in their grief, and providing hope. She has authored three books, sharing about lessons learned and how she chose hope. Her latest album, Sunny Days, with its gorgeous melodies and uplifting lyrics, speaks to God’s unyielding grace.

Tammy sat down recently with JBU to talk about finding hope in dark days, finding purpose in pain, and running into God’s comforting arms during times of tragedy.

JBU:

You have an amazing singing career, with seven albums! How did you get into singing? 

Tammy: I was nine when I first saw Amy Grant in concert. She played at Calvin College in Grand Rapids, Michigan. I’ll never forget where I sat, but more than that, I’ll never forget how I felt. At one point I got up from my seat and made my way to the front, and then to the side, where Amy went to go into her dressing room. My heart was pounding! I wanted to get a glimpse of her. I stood there and waited during intermission. When she walked out, I remember reaching out to her. [Laughs] I went back to my seat. People were clapping their hands and I stood wide-eyed, staring in awe. I was so affected by her music, her message, her charisma, and her personality. 

I’d already had a passion for music, but it solidified something in me. It really put a stamp on my heart. I knew then that I wanted to be able to affect someone’s life like Amy affected mine through music and God’s Word.

That night a dream was birthed inside my heart and a longing to become a recording artist. However, I was careful not to let it become everything I lived and breathed. I had a pretty well-balanced life: a great boyfriend, my music, my youth group, my friendships…and my dream. When I was 19 or 20, I began to pursue it further. I didn’t know how much talent I had, but I knew I had a lot of passion and a lot of drive. As a result, I ended up signing my first record deal in 1995. And that began the journey of building not just a musical career, but a ministry. 

JBU:

Your husband, Trent, was the love of your life. Tell us more about him and how you knew he was “the one.”

Tammy: I was a huge tomboy growing up—the girl who loved sports. I was not one to chase after boys. I didn’t have the perfect hair and I didn’t wear makeup until high school. Then right before I turned 16 this guy walked into my life and I was like, “Oh, my gosh! I really like this guy and think he likes me too!” I began to fall in love with him—but we fell in love around activities and our youth group. Flying around on snowmobiles, dune buggies, jet skis…playing volleyball and other sports. We had a lot of fun together. And I felt completely loved. I had no doubt that the Lord had absolutely brought us together. I learned quickly that this was a quality guy. He loved God, had a huge heart for others, and people absolutely loved him. He was smart and I thought he always made good choices. I knew I would be crazy not to want to spend my life with someone like him. 

I went away to Bible college, but even then dating other people never made sense. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Trent, my best friend, my soulmate. Those years of dating and growing our relationship overflowed into my marriage. 

JBU:

Tragically, you lost Trent after 11 years of marriage. How did you manage to keep on after losing your soulmate who had been such a large part of your life for so long?

Tammy: It hasn’t been easy. This isn’t someone I met later in life and was married to for a couple years. I grew up with him. Trent and I dated for over seven years, were married for 11.  There were great seasons, but there were also bumps in the road. But it was such a real, true, deep love that we shared. My family and close friends have been some of my greatest strengths on this journey back to healing. They knew the depth of the loss that I have faced. They never said, “When are you going to date again? Marry again? Love again?” Not once have they pushed me. They knew how much it would take to process through that. I knew I experienced love the way God intended it. I know how very blessed I was.

JBU:

How did losing Trent affect your faith? 

Tammy: In Jamaica, where Trent died, I was completely in shock. I was numb, but my faith was never shaken to the point where I felt so angry I had to walk away from God. I needed to do the opposite–run into the arms of Jesus before I completely fell apart. My relationship with God has never been a surface relationship. I had to believe that God was still God. I had to surround myself with the presence of God, because He steadied my world. I knew with Him, my foundation was solid. 

I was numb and in shock, but I knew I couldn’t interpret my numbness as God’s absence. I knew He was always there. So instead of turning from God, it was more of a mystery of why? I asked “why did this happen?” How could God see this was good? But again, He was my foundation. Things could crumble around me, but my foundation with God was solid. I said “I hate everything about this!” and it’s like I could hear him say, “I don’t like it, either. But when life breaks, I can rebuild. I can restore. I can redeem.” 

That’s what I had to hang onto. I had to process through my grief–not just skip over it. I knew I had to go through the grief, and through it I had to believe that God would restore, heal, and redeem. Because He does.

JBU:

How has ministering to women all over the world helped you?  

Tammy: When I’m ministering to others it is such a reminder that I can’t allow myself to get stuck either. I have to keep moving, keep breathing, keep surrounding myself with people who celebrate life and push me in the things of God. Yes, I talk about Trent and losing the love of my life. I often joke that it’s the “Tammy Tissue Tour” [Laughs]. I take these women on the journey I’ve traveled and lead them to the edge of the water, where I was. But I never leave them there. I always bring them to the other side of that, to hope, because I want them to know that they are never abandoned—God never abandons us!

We move forward together, allowing the hope of Christ to wash over us. God has given me an opportunity to share my story so that others can hear about real life and experience life more abundantly, even after tragedy. He has restored me through tears and joy—and He can restore these women, too! When I take the platform there is life in my words, there is genuine joy in the journey, and there is fun and freedom when we dance. So you can imagine, I am pretty exhausted when my head hits the pillow at the end of the night because I know I’ve given my all and I’ve given hope.  

I think back to when I was nine years old, that little girl in Grand Rapids, Michigan, watching Amy Grant in concert. I thought, “One day I want to lay it all out like her. I want to wear my heart on my sleeve and give back to people.” I had no idea that this was God’s plan for my life. It’s been a painful journey, but I’ve also reaped joy. That’s why I end each night by singing, “Sunny Days,” from my latest album. Because I want to remind women, that they too, will get through any hard circumstance in their life if they trust and believe that “Sunny Days” are awaiting them too.  

JBU:

How have you used your tragedy to, as you say, “Give your pain purpose”?

Tammy: To be able to speak purpose into the hearts of women, to shout for joy with them, and to encourage them to keep moving has meant everything to me in my own healing. Together we press on and proclaim and embrace something new. I encourage them to lay down any hurts, pain, disappointments, and failures in the mighty capable hands of God and allow Him to do something beautiful with it. I understand the pain. Pain is real, but so is HOPE! I feel so blessed to have the opportunities that the Lord has given me to help someone else because of what I’ve walked through. You can’t fake joy very long– it’s super exhausting! You have to live it; you have to believe it. When you’re on a platform, it’s real or it’s not and people can see that. 

Ministry is tough; it expects a lot. The traveling can take a lot out of you. Anyone in ministry will tell you it’s a lot of work, emotionally and spiritually, especially when your deepest desire it to see people’s lives impacted by the hope of Jesus Christ. But I’m still in that sweet season of asking the Lord to pick me. Choose me and I’ll go. As long as my story is relevant and impactful then I’ll go. By sharing my story and by ministering to women, I continue to give my pain purpose. 

JBU:

You’ve processed your grief on a deep level. How do you handle the unexpected moments of grief that happen when you least expect it?

Tammy: A good example is my electric chainsaw. I needed one for some yard work, but I couldn’t manage it and started weeping. I thought “If Trent were here, he could put it together. It’s not my job to do this kind of stuff around the house! I’m not supposed to have to figure this out! Where are you God when I need you!”

We all have moments like that. I love how God sets things up all around us to let us know it’s not the end of the world and He is closer than we realize in these moments. He’s not hiding. He’s not going anywhere. All we have to do is call on His name and He is more than capable of rescuing us. I’m so grateful when He sends people to help me or sends a shoulder to cry on, but the truth is, I’m still learning to call on Him when an unexpected moment of grief arises. 

JBU:

In what moments did you know that God would carry you through?

Tammy: Right after Trent had died, I was in my hotel by myself. I was crying and weeping and asking God, “Do you see me? Do you see this girl? Can you send someone?” I thought how I missed my mom, my sister. I wanted to be held by one of them, especially my Mom. I asked God to send me someone to hold me. 

I was walking out of my bathroom when I heard someone in the adjoining room. It was one of the housekeepers. I asked if she would make my bed, because things were messy and I thought that would help. She looked at me and said, “I could hear you crying and I’ve been trying to get to you. Can I come in and hold you?” It was an instant answer to my prayer. I specifically asked Him to show up and there He was in the form of this housekeeper. 

She wrapped her arms around me and began to pray for me. She had no idea I was a Christian, but she held me and prayed for me. As she held me in that embrace I thought, “I had no idea angels wore Hilton housekeeping outfits!” [Laughing!] 

After she had prayed, I thought how can I help this woman? How can I bless her life right now? I saw that her shoes were barely being held together. Instantly, I grabbed my wallet. Trent and I had saved for this trip. We had planned to use the money to sightsee and do fun things. I grabbed everything in my wallet and pressed it into her hands and said, “God wants me to provide for you. This is a way I can help you.”

She began to weep and told me all the things that were happening in her life and the needs in her life. She had no idea how she was going to get home because her car had broken down. It was bizarre in the most awesome way. God knew I needed her and she needed me right at that exact moment.

It helped me to take my eyes off of my own situation and see the needs of other people. God was definitely up to something. I’ve learned I can use my pain and give my pain purpose through the journey, specific setups, and assignments. I was comforted so that I can comfort someone else. 

JBU:

What encouragement do you have for someone who is going through a difficult time?

Tammy: We can be surrounded by all the right things to say, but it’s another thing when you’re living in that awful time of tragedy. Our faith is often shaken in different seasons, but we have to choose to hold on. It’s easier said than done. I know!

We all have a story, those moments in our lives when we feel desperate for God. We want someone to tell us it’s going to be okay. It’s important in those times to keep choosing life. To keep choosing healing. God doesn’t abandon us; if we keep choosing life, healing will come, even when we can’t see a way out.

Fifteen years ago, I began to walk through so many different seasons, but I found little nuggets of hope. Initially, when I stood on the edge of the water, when the rug was pulled from underneath me and my husband was gone, I felt hopeless and numb. I was in a foreign country, America was falling apart, and my life was falling apart on me. But at a very early age, I was taught the Word of God. I knew I had choices.

JBU:

Can you talk a bit more about the choices?

Tammy: I believe God gives us all a free will to choose. We don’t always choose correctly, and our choices, good or bad will effect everything around us. I knew I had to choose life even though death surrounded me. I had to choose hope, even though I felt hopeless. Despite losing Trent, I had to choose to trust God.

God’s plan? I thought it was a really awful plan! How could anything good come out of losing Trent? He was the greatest covering I’d ever known and he was removed from my life. That relationship steadied my world in every area. I felt so desperate, like I’m not going to be okay without him. That feeling ran through my body, heart, soul, and mind. In that moment, I chose to trust God even though I didn’t understand. I needed to look beyond what I could see. I couldn’t see a way out, but I had to trust that God did. And I had to trust that He’d show me glimpses of healing along the way.

JBU:

You offer so much hope. Do you have any final encouragement for us?      

Tammy: As women of faith, I think we can help each other by stepping in the gap for one another when life gets really hard and we need to help carry each other’s burdens. Together, we can walk out life with each other, through prayer, through listening, through support. I’ve been so blessed and have met so many amazing women with incredible stories. 

I don’t always feel faithful, like I’ve done it all right, but I keep trying. I want to offer hope and support to others who are going through tough times or have experienced great pain. I hope that one day I’ll hear the Father say, “Well done, Tammy.” To me, hearing Him say that, will make it all worth it. Knowing I’ve done something with my pain and pointed people to Jesus through it all means everything to me.

~ By Susan Vanselow. Susan is a freelance writer and editor, and Just Between Us volunteer. She holds a B.A. in English and has an MBA. She mentors adults and teens in her community and is active in her church.