Heart Change

Say the word "mother-in-law" to any group of women and the reactions will be mixed. A few will smile, but most will grit their teeth and furrow their brow. Thirty years ago, Andrea Evans was a wife trying to muster up some joy for the annual Christmas trip to visit her husband’s family. For the first time in their nearly 20-year marriage, Andrea was reluctant to go, which left her husband, Max, feeling frustrated and hurt. The problem: her relationship with Max’s mom—her mother-in-law. Sure, they were respectful of each other, but there was also a competitive spirit. Andrea desperately wanted that to change, but how? It all seemed so difficult. Andrea’s friend, Janie Putman was one of the few who had experience with this relationship because her mother-in-law lived with her during the early years of her marriage. Andrea wanted to learn from Janie.

Together, they followed God’s lead and began a journey into the complicated mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. With their experiences and the information they had, they co-wrote their book, A Change of Heart, along with friend Margaret Miller, so other women would not feel alone like they did. 

Andrea and Janie were passionate about improving and strengthening this lifelong relationship because at the time, it was rarely discussed and there were no resources. A Change of Heart, which includes an eight-week Bible study on the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is the material Andrea and Janie have used to lead small groups at their church for nearly 20 years. They say of their class, “If you’ve ever felt misunderstood, experienced feelings of bitterness or resentment as a mother-in-law or a daughter-in-law, if you long to become a fairer, more forgiving and compassionate woman, open this book and be prepared for A Change of Heart.”

They began this journey as Bible study friends and like-minded daughters-in-law. Now they’ve come full circle and are mothers-in-law commit-ted to helping women improve both sides of this very important relationship. Their focus: “If your mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is difficult, we can offer hope; if yours is great, we can learn from you.” Andrea and Janie have a deep love for Jesus, the only One who can truly change a heart, and for women who long to love as He did. 

Just Between Us (JBU)  had the privilege of sitting down with Janie and Andrea to talk about their passion for experiencing the very best relationship possible.  

JBU:

What inspired your quest for a better relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law?

Andrea: When I came home from the Christmas trip where I didn’t want to see my mother-in-law, I wanted to know why. As I prayed and cried before the Lord, I felt Him say, “study it,” so I did. At the time, there was very little information about this topic, so I decided to talk to my friends. Janie had been there so I knew I could learn a lot from her. 

We wanted to know if others were struggling the same way we were so we put together a “20 Questions for Daughter-in-Laws” questionnaire and sent it out to 200 friends and acquaintances asking for their input. Some of the questions were things we were curious about between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship and some addressed specific struggles. The questionnaire is actually part of the book so we don’t forget what it was like to be a daughter-in-law.

Janie: We mailed them out. Amazingly, we got back 187 of the 200. It was a response we nev-er expected. You could see from the writing that women pressed hard as they wrote, and did they ever write! 

Andrea: Because this was always on my mind, I asked my friends, “How’s your mother-in-law relationship and, before I could finish the question, they would practically roar! It became very clear that there was a lot of emotion attached to this relationship.

Janie: The women who responded ranged in age from early 20s to one particular woman in her 80s. I remember her because one of the questions was, “Do you think your mother-in-law thinks you made her son happy?” and this 80-year-old woman answered, “I’ve never felt that way. I never knew and I've always wondered."

Andrea: That made me so sad. I didn’t want to live with regret and find myself looking back on my life and relationships, knowing that I could have done better. When we got the surveys back, we felt like God had opened a door for us and given us what we needed to help ourselves and others with this relationship. The number of responses and the intensity of the answers showed us that women really were interested and for the first time they felt like they were given a place to talk about it.

JBU:

What did you discover as women began to share?

Janie:  Most of the women wanted to change the other person

Andrea: We began by just loving the women and listening to them and pointing them to what the Bible says about forgiveness, grace, and gentleness. We focused on God’s way of doing things. We didn’t teach, we just experienced this relationship together. When everybody started talking and we paid attention to what the Bible said, we began to help each other.

Janie: It takes a while to understand that the focus is about changing your own heart, not the heart of another. When that happens, and it does, the transformation is amazing.

JBU:

What new things did you discover about this relationship?

Janie: As mothers-in-law, we often think we know best what our child needs and so we try to tell their spouse what that is. We think we have all the wisdom, so we want to share it. That doesn’t work. Both unwanted advice and unwanted assistance are often seen as criticism, causing all kinds of problems. For example, if you go to your child’s home and start wiping the counters or doing the laundry or any task that you think needs to be done, it can understandably be seen as a critique on the way they do things. It’s okay to help, but you need to be asked, don’t just assume you know.

Andrea: A daughter-in-law is trying to learn how to be a wife and maybe a mother and to balance work and home life—it’s a lot. What they need from their mother-in-law is lots of praise and affirmation. They need to be told over and over again that they are doing a good job and that you are on their team. That you see them growing and that you admire that and you want to grow with them. It is also very important for them to know you see and appreciate the way they love your son.

This is an opportunity for us to think back to when we were daughters-in-law. I didn’t want my mother-in-law telling me what to do. We need to remember that and that we’re all in this together on the same team. 

Janie: When my son was in medical school, I found piles of clothes everywhere when I visited, so I started cleaning them up. Fortunately, my daughter-in-law was very mature and came right out and told me that the mess didn’t bother her. She asked me to leave it alone and just visit when I came. She wanted to know me and let me know her, which was a great blessing to both of us—and to my son. Men want peace in their home and a strained relationship between their mother and their wife does not breed peace. It’s a real gift to your son when you both get along. Andrea:It’s changing roles again. I thought I was going to teach her and she ended up teaching me. Now she’s the teacher and the helper.

JBU:

Talk about the power that both mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law have in the relationship.

Andrea: There is a negative power that both can have in the relationship. We had a situation in our group once where a mother-in-law was so intrusive and destructive that it caused a divorce—that is an example of negative power. Likewise, a daughter-in-law can use her negative power to keep her husband and children away from their grandparents. 

But there is also potential for positive power. For example, praying for each other. Both roles have the power for good and bad. We need to recognize that and lean into the positive power and ask the Lord to help us recognize when we’re using negative power in the relationship.

JBU:

How do you develop a relationship with your daughter-in-law?

Janie: Discover things your daughter-in-law enjoys and ask to enjoy them with her. She chose your son, not you, so it takes time and patience to build a relationship with her as a person, not just as an extension of your child. When my mother-in-law lived with us, my children were five and seven and we had a third one while she lived with us. I remember being afraid to tell her because she thought we had a perfect little family—a girl and boy. But that baby boy became the light of her life. I was very busy and so concerned about my perspective and feelings that I didn’t pay much attention to hers. I never realized when we were together how it must have felt for her. She was ill and as a result had to give up her freedom and live in someone’s else’s home—and she had a beautiful home. I wished I had spent more time asking her questions about her cooking, for example—she was an excellent cook.

Andrea: We need to communicate to our daughter-in-law that we want to have a relationship with her. In the years my children were young, I was so busy that I didn’t notice that my mother-in-law was in the background. On the Christmas trip that started this, I began to see my mother-in-law differently because I didn’t have the distraction of the children. Both of us needed to start seeing each other as people not just in the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law roles. As you begin to think this way, you will pay more attention to their likes and dislikes. Be observant and try to find out more about each other so you can get to know each other better and don’t put it off until you think you’ll have the time. That never happens. Send her a note saying, “You make my son happy. I’d love to get to know you better.” If you both like to cook, take cooking lessons together. Go to a spa together. Go out to lunch. Just spend time together.

JBU:

Talk to us about the role of prayer in the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship?

Andrea: We often hear how stressful this relationship is. But, God is so amazing with the way He created our bodies. When we pray, our bodies release chemicals that actually heal us. When you are worrying and stressing, your immune system is being depleted, which can result in illness. By praying for your daughter-in-law, you are actually reducing the stress of the relationship. When you tell her you are praying for her, it is a way of saying, “Because I love you, I am going to take you and whatever you need to the One person who loves you more than I do.

JBU:

What do you do when you have made a mistake and said something you shouldn't have?

Janie: Apologize immediately! Stop and address the problem. Communicate. If you can speak the truth in love, whatever the situation is, instead of pretending it didn’t happen, it can change everything. Jesus said, “Love one another as I have loved you” (John 13:34). That really is what the whole thing is about. It is taking something that is hard to God and asking Him to give you a new heart, a new mind, and new words—and He does. You actually begin to learn to communicate like Jesus did. You are learning to be like He is and that includes understanding how much your role has changed. Your son’s wife is now the most important woman in his world. Helping your children leave and cleave means accepting that you will no longer be in the middle of their life. 

Andrea: The biggest mistake we make as mothers-in-law is thinking it’s all about me. When we recognize that it truly isn’t, everything changes.

JBU:

How do you manage your expectations as a mother-in-law?

Janie: Allow time and space for things to work themselves out and don’t anticipate trouble. If you have it in your mind that something has to be done in a certain way like Sunday dinners together—as lovely as that sounds—it can create the pressure of “I’ve got to be here for that.” Throw out options. Be flexible. Ask for your children’s input and then decide what works best for all. Are these Sunday dinners you’re insisting on really necessary and enjoyable for everyone? Will it really make a difference if a holiday is celebrated on a different day? Talk it through.I

t shows great respect when you are able to say, “Whatever you choose, I respect your choice and will be happy with whatever it is,” and actually mean it. Ask God to help you not take everything personally.

Andrea: Our children need to form their own traditions. A lot of them have parents living in the same town and they’re running themselves ragged trying to be everywhere instead of enjoying the holidays. You need to let go of the expectations of what was.

JBU:

What do you say to the woman who has done everything she can and the relationship is still very difficult?

Janie: Focus on what God can do in this challenging relationship so filled with insecurities. As we learn how to use God’s Word, we can take a step back from our own wants and needs and seek to love unconditionally. We have seen this kind of love totally change relationships, which encourages others whose relationships remain a challenge. The loving acceptance of others promotes the level of risk-taking that is necessary for growth and helps to soften the disappointment if there is no response to our efforts.

Andrea: There are concerns we can’t express and problems we can’t fix, but that is why this is a very prayerfully dependent relationship. We need to make room for letting God act, even if it’s to give us peace in an unpeaceful relationship. That’s part of the good power I have as a mother-in-law as I pray on behalf of my daughter-in-law. I can let God be responsible for the changes He wants to make in her life, and in mine. As He changes my heart, He also changes the way I love my daughter-in-law.