Living Through Loss

Lisa Elliott woke up on August 12, 2008, never expecting to receive the midday phone call that changed her life forever. It was from her pastor-husband, David, on the way to the emergency room with their 18-year-old son, Ben, who was subsequently diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. Twelve months later, after a valiant battle, he was promoted to his heavenly home.  

Lisa chronicles this heartbreaking, yet hopeful journey in her book The Ben Ripple: Choosing to Live Through Loss with Purpose. Written out of her raw journal entries to help process her emotions about Ben’s illness and death, her story was never intended to be a book. That was God’s doing. At the request of a friend, Lisa began to send brief updates on Facebook relaying the bare essentials to a few interested people. As public interest grew, so did the response of those who joined her journey. She began to hear daily from complete strangers, those who were on their own cancer journeys, were dealing with health problems, or were involved in their own pain management and life issues. Ben’s death had a rippling affect that continues to touch lives around the globe three years after his death. It has been what has brought Lisa comfort, healing, peace, and a deep sense of purpose in her pain. It’s a story of God’s faithfulness and grace even in the face of life’s deepest loss and suffering. And it has given Lisa a platform of hope she never expected to share with others who are walking through their own painful journeys. The tragedy that shook her family – husband, David; son, Jacob; and daughters, Erin and Natalie – has become a transformative journey of faith for the entire family where they are learning how to live a new normal day by day.     

You don’t have to spend a lot of time with Lisa before you feel a common bond, a sense that she understands where you’ve been, and always a sense that she knows God in such a deep way that His plan for her reaches beyond the purposes she can see at the moment. Lisa is known for her raw vulnerability which she has shared for the last 20 years through her speaking ministry “Straight from the Heart.” 

Despite this huge loss, Lisa describes this crisis as a “victorious journey.”  She believes that the trials in our lives are not only meant to build our character, but also to reach into the lives of others along our journey. Her motivation to encourage others is based on 2 Corinthians 1:2-4 which tells us that we can comfort others with the comfort we have received from God.  

What turned this devastating day into victory, and how has she seen God use the pain for His glory? JBU had the privilege of talking with Lisa. As you will see, her candid story provides validation for those dealing with a family crisis; hope and inspiration for those who are grieving; and practical help for those desiring to be comforters. 

JBU: 

Tell us about the day of the phone call. 

Lisa: Ben was working as a server at a restaurant. Though athletic, he couldn’t catch his breath while carrying a bucket of ice across the restaurant. By the time my husband brought him home, he was unable to walk up the three front steps. I was working full-time in a medical office when I got the call, and ironically had just finished sharing with a coworker the restlessness in my heart to be home to care for my family, but I knew God had given me the job and He would let me know when I was done. When I answered my husband’s call, I knew my time there was finished. God had prepared me. 

JBU: 

What were your initial thoughts and feelings?  

Lisa: When I arrived at the hospital, I was escorted to the chemotherapy treatment wing while my mind ran to places I’d never dreamed of running to. This was the type of scene only other people experienced. The doctor said they were looking into blood cancer and were sending Ben to a cancer care treatment center an hour away. My world turned into slow motion. A deep sense of knowing, yet not believing, set in as if God had allowed a protective coating to envelop my heart and mind. The kind of peace that transcends understanding came over me and guarded my heart and mind in Christ Jesus for the next year.

JBU:

How else did God prepare you emotionally, physically, and spiritually?

Lisa: I don’t know that one is ever fully prepared for life’s challenges because God wants us to trust Him, but I’ve always advised people to take good notes in the valleys of life because that’s where God teaches us some of the most valuable lessons. Years earlier, He carried me through an extraordinarily challenging time in our church to the point we considered leaving the ministry. The survival tips I took note of then helped keep my head above water this time. Essential to my survival was pulling away to a quiet place for rest and refreshment on a daily basis. Also, the year before Ben’s diagnosis I had been reflecting on his growing up years, and used them in many of my illustrations in my talk on “God’s Waiting Room.” Looking back, I believe God allowed me to gather my memories into a treasure. 

JBU:

In what ways did God show you His heart?

Lisa: His Word spoke truth into my heart day after day after day. Hopefully it will never cease to amaze me how intimately He speaks to those who are listening. This may sound strange, but one day as I lay on a massage table with a massage therapist working to release my muscle tension, the Lord began to massage my heart. During the massage He kept assuring me that I could and needed to release everything to Him. I could release my worries and fears. I could release Ben into His care. I could release my family to Him. I could release my future to Him. I could release my life to Him and trust Him no matter what; even if I didn’t understand His ways.

JBU:

Besides family and friends, what other resources got you through? 

Lisa: God’s Word was the foremost help and nourishment. I am thankful I had nurtured a deeply- rooted relationship with the Lord prior to that time which I was able to draw upon. Also, it may sound weird, but the Facebook page that a friend had set up for me became a lifeline. It grew to hundreds within a few weeks and eventually to over 1,500. Complete strangers somehow found hope and inspiration as they followed our story. This gave me a twisted sense of purpose in the middle of my pain.

JBU:

How did you help Ben while you were struggling so deeply? 

Lisa: Spending time together was always important to Ben. That was the way I could love him most effectively. I immediately quit my job, cleared my speaking schedule, and became his constant companion and advocate. There was no faking how I was feeling. But more than that, I believe it was my quiet and constant presence that spoke to him most, sometimes with tears streaming down my face, sometimes with frustrations brewing, but loving him nonetheless by just being with him. However, Ben helped me more than I helped him. He had an incredible attitude we called the BENattitude (rather than the BEattitude). He chose to respond to his situation with grace rather than complaint, and he opened the doors of communication if there was something he needed to talk about. 

JBU:

How did you encourage your other three children?  

Lisa: This was the true challenge of our situation even though they were old enough to be somewhat self-sufficient. A crisis demands an all-consuming kind of attention, and I found myself pulled and stretched to the limit in all directions. We tried our best to express interest in the other children’s lives and activities. It was important they felt loved, cared for, and validated for their individual needs and personalities. We were honest with them about the medical reports. We allowed them to play their unique parts in their relationship with their brother. We made sure our family times were as “normal” as we could make them given the “abnormal” life we were living. We had regular family check-ups to take inventory of where everyone was at. 

JBU:

How did this crisis affect your marriage?

Lisa: There is a high divorce rate as a result of the terminal illness of a child and we are blessed we survived the odds. More than that, we have drawn closer. We intentionally connected with each other daily, even if only for a brief ten-minute walk outside the hospital. We gave each other permission to “grieve separately—together.” We learned to live in the moment, realizing that each moment is a gift from God…for better or for worse…in sickness or in health.

JBU:

What support did you appreciate the most? What were the things that made you say, “I’ll never do that”?

Lisa:  

Helpful:

• Those who did what they could do rather than leaving it up to me to determine what they could do. 
• Those who made themselves available, yet understood if I didn’t take them up on their offers to I could maintain a sense of control while my life was spinning out of control. 
• Those who listened to me rant my raw emotions without judging or advising.
• Those who gifted me with money for parking, hotels, meals, gas, etc. 
• Those who weren’t afraid to talk about the “elephant in the room.”

Unhelpful:

• Those who gave me statistics and prescribed remedies.
• Those who made me feel guilty for not having enough faith, not praying hard enough, or not staying positive enough.
• Those who minimized my pain with “At least…”
• Those who attempted to “fix” me and get me over my pain rather than walk me through it.

JBU:

What encouragement would you give to a caregiver?

Lisa: 

• Make sure you are intentional about taking time to care for yourself so you can properly care for others. Sleep when you can. Walk and exercise to clear your mind. Eat properly. 
• Take regular timeouts for rest, rejuvenation, and stress relief (whatever that looks like for you).
• Set healthy boundaries.
• Feed on God’s Word.
• Cast your cares, joys, and sorrows upon the Lord through journaling.
• Find a support network that can be trusted with your raw emotions.
• Spend time with people and in activities that recharge and energize you.
• Assign one or two individuals as “point people” to assist you in meeting personal and practical needs.
• Find purpose in your pain by reaching into the lives of others as you’re able.
• Read my book (see box) for more practical tips, like how to keep your marriage alive when your child is dying, how to survive holidays and special occasions through a crisis, etc. 

JBU:

How did you keep your walk with God growing when your energy was focused on the crisis?  

Lisa: Life, with its usual complexity, became simple that year as it had an undeniable focus. Ben became my primary ministry. Given the nature of his disease and compromised immunity, I lived in seclusion and only attended church, where my husband pastored, a couple of times. I took advantage of the time alone to read God’s Word. Ben’s hospital room became a peaceful sanctuary for me. I processed everything in my prayer journal. I made my mess my message, sharing it on Facebook, which God used to reach others.

JBU:

Was there a turning point for you?  

Lisa: Early on, I read Psalm 40:1-4 and knew that however things turned out, God was going to fulfill this promise to me—that He would turn to me and hear my cry, that He would lift me up and set my feet on a rock and give me a firm place to stand, and that He would put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  I changed the focus of my Facebook blog and began to use it not simply as a tool to inform people how they could pray for us, but to share some of the truths that God’s Word was speaking to me. I began praying these verses line by line that He would use our journey to speak to others for His glory and that “many would see and fear and put their trust in Him.” And He has!

JBU:

What are your hopes as you look forward to living in a “new normal”? 

Lisa: I want to continue the important things I learned through Ben's illness—to keep the main things the main things, put the big stones of my life in first, and live in the moment. I plan to continue to share the life-changing principles from God’s Word in my speaking ministry “Straight from the Heart.” God has opened up some pretty incredible doors of opportunity for me to share my journey. One is through my book The Ben Ripple: Choosing to Live through Loss with Purpose. In addition, David and I have led and will continue to lead GriefShare groups. It’s my desire through all these opportunities that many will be given hope to face life's challenges. I’m a firm believer that trials in our lives are not only meant to build our character, but are also to ripple into the lives of others (2 Cor. 1:2-4).