Holding Deprivation and Gratitude
Trust God to be with you - even as you learn to live the delicate balance of deprivation and gratitude; of loss and blessing.
I’ve never been very good at processing grief. Almost five years ago, my dad passed away. I was in my mid 20s and it was the biggest loss I’d ever experienced. I didn’t know what to do with myself. At the end of his life, my dad was on a ventilator. There were many decisions to be made and many of them fell on me. My grief mingled with guilt, while questioning if I’d made the right decisions, regretting not encouraging his brother to come see him sooner, angry that I would have to go the rest of my life without my dad, and so much more. I felt deprived of something really precious. And I was a hot mess.
Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and months turned into years of figuring out how to lean into my grief - to get to the place where I was able to admit, “No, I am not okay.” I learned to recognize when my emotions came out sideways and that they were often just a symptom of unresolved pain. Loss is devastating.
Since the age of COVID-19, this has become so many of our stories. I’ve heard of women cancelling their weddings that they’ve spent a lifetime dreaming of. My dear friends had a baby who spent time in the NICU and only one of them could visit him during each 24-hour period. They were not able to be together with their brand new baby boy for weeks. Churches have closed their doors. So many people have lost their jobs. And most devastating of all, people have died: mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, sisters, brothers, and children.
All of these things are to be grieved. These things and even much smaller things...
~ By Krista Heinen
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