Understanding Forgiveness

For years, I believed I was an unforgiving person.

I found myself confronting the same painful issue with my extended family over and over again: questioning whether I’d forgiven them for both the abuse I’d experienced as a child and for their response that nothing had happened. Despite working through the issue with a counselor for several years, I found myself caught in some sort of emotional infinite loop, unsure if my forgiveness was complete.

To complicate matters, my family members—parents and siblings—weren’t even aware of my ongoing struggle. The battle raged on in my head and heart, and I wondered what was wrong with me. Why was I the only one who was anxious about family gatherings? Why was I the only one who walked away emotionally and physically exhausted? Why couldn’t I forgive them in such a way that I experienced resolution?

If they were fine, the problem had to be mine. The unforgiveness, mine.

Again and again, I’d pray over the past. Release it to God. Forgive them. Find a sense of peace. 

But only for a time—until I had to interact with my family again.

My only conclusion? My forgiveness must be faulty. 

It wasn’t until a trusted counselor shared the idea of viewing forgiveness from both a horizontal view and a vertical view that I understood what was causing my frustration and I was able to exit the infinite loop. Comprehending the difference between the two set me free from the lie that I hadn’t forgiven my family.

Imagine what a cross looks like: the vertical bar reaches from earth to heaven and the horizontal bar stretches east to west. That’s our visual for the two types of forgiveness. Sometimes when I’m sharing about vertical and horizontal forgiveness with someone else, I’ll use my hands to form the two parts of the cross.

What is Vertical Forgiveness?

Vertical forgiveness is what we experience when we reconcile with God. It’s the miraculous offer of grace to every person by our loving Father God. This truth is woven from the beginning of the Bible to the very end. God’s forgiveness is summed up so beautifully in Colossians 1:13-14: “For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” 

And yes, there’s an action on God’s part—a rescue—based on our understanding that we’ve sinned. But this forgiveness also requires action from us: that we recognize our mistakes separate us from God and that we then accept His offer of grace. God’s love is unconditional, but there is a give-and-take interaction when it comes to forgiveness—it can only happen when we respond to God’s offer. Reconciliation that happens between God and every individual on earth is a heavenly transaction that takes place at the cross of Jesus.

What is Horizontal Forgiveness? 

Horizontal forgiveness is the reconciliation that occurs between human beings—between family members or friends or colleagues. Our relationships with others get strained or sometimes completely broken for all sorts of different reasons. Our relationships with others might be hurt by trivial reasons when we’re overtired or we jump to the wrong conclusion or we take something someone said out of context. Or our relationships might be damaged for serious reasons like verbal or physical abuse or neglect. 

Horizontal forgiveness was tripping me up with my family. 

Why?

Different times through the years, I’d tried to talk with them about what I’d experienced—I’d even had family members approach me to talk about what had happened in my childhood. And I’d been told that nothing had happened. Nothing had happened. My desire for honesty and healing had been met with a slammed door.

Even so, I’d gone on to work through the pain and consequences of other people’s wrong choices and I’d found healing. I’d also chosen to forgive everyone involved, despite the fact that they chose to ignore what had happened to me.

Then why, if I’d forgiven them, was interacting with my family so stressful?

Just like vertical forgiveness is a transaction, horizontal forgiveness is a process that occurs between people. I can be willing to forgive my family, but if they don’t acknowledge that an offense occurred, then horizontal forgiveness is blocked.

The process is incomplete. 

I was incorrect when I believed I was an unforgiving person. The truth is, I was struggling to make something happen that I was powerless to do on my own.

As my counselor explained incomplete horizontal forgiveness to me, he said, “This is when you stay at the foot of the cross and keep your heart right with God. You want to stay ready to forgive when and if anyone in your family admits the abuse happened.”

Understanding the difference between vertical and horizontal forgiveness changed my attitude about forgiveness in several ways:

I’m conscious of God’s forgiveness toward me on a daily basis.

Spiritually and mentally, I stay at the foot of the cross from day to day. I want to ensure my heart stays right with God and that I don’t become bitter toward my family in any way (Heb. 12:15).

I’m always on alert to forgive.

Even though the relationships with my extended family are strained, I choose to stay ready to forgive—knowing that on my side of the process, I’ve already forgiven them for what has happened. Should someone choose to talk about the abuse, my posture toward them needs to always be one of forgiveness, not anger.  

I acknowledge forgiveness is an ongoing process.

So often, we can treat forgiveness as a one-time-and-it-is-done experience. It’s important to realize forgiveness takes time and to allow both ourselves and others the space they need to heal and to forgive. God is gracious toward us when He forgives us, too. In His omnipresent view of time, God’s forgiveness is yes-and. He has already forgiven us and He also stands ready to forgive us whenever any one of us chooses to accept that forgiveness by acknowledging our sin and recognizing our need for God’s grace.