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My Journey with PTSD

PTSD changed me, both my brain and my soul. And while the results will never leave, I have found on my journey that healing is possible!

“Susan, can we talk?  I have something important to ask you,” my parole agent friend said. We were on our way out of the correctional facility where I worked and where she had just finished a presentation. “Of course,” I replied. “Why don’t we sit in my car for a few minutes”? My friend began to tell me that she had been diagnosed with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), and was meeting with a counselor. She had observed in me the same symptoms she had, and out of concern and love, asked if I would consider getting counseling. Although this was very difficult to hear, I told her that I would consider it. After much prayer and thought, I made an appointment with a counselor and was diagnosed with PTSD too. Thus, started my healing journey with PTSD.

WHAT IS PTSD?

My knowledge of PTSD was limited, so I started doing research on the subject. I learned that PTSD is a normal response to a traumatic event, creating emotional, physical, cognitive behavioral, and spiritual symptoms. PTSD affects the whole person and symptoms can build up over time, sometimes a lifetime. 

Had I seen this in my own life? Yes. Over the years my heart, soul, and emotions had changed deep inside. Anger, negativity, overeating, tension, and lashing out at others made up my behavior. Loud noises startled me and I had trouble sleeping. Emptiness, tiredness, and numbness filled my life. Social situations were of no interest. I wanted to be alone for much of the time. For me—a social butterfly—this was a drastic change. Thankfully, counseling showed me how it happened and how I could heal. 

STATISTICS AND SYMPTOMS 

I was astonished to learn that approximately five percent of the people in the United States suffer from PTSD and eight percent of the population has had PTSD at some point in their life. (In fact, many Americans have experienced a trauma, and of those, about 80 percent of men and 50 percent of women will develop PTSD.) Severe trauma, along with previous exposure to trauma, creates a high risk for PTSD. Symptoms can vary in intensity over time and may not appear until years later.  

There are four types of PTSD symptoms, all of which I’d experienced:

1.  Intrusive memories (also known as re-experiencing).

This can include symptoms of nightmares (triggered by a sight or sound) and severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds the person of the event. For me, this played out in being unable to drive past the place I worked for nearly six months after retiring.

2.  Avoiding situations (avoidance) that remind you of the event.

This can include symptoms of detachment, loss of interest in things/people/activities/life, restrained emotions, avoiding crowds, keeping too busy, and avoiding your health. There are often feelings of mistrust of others. 

3.  Negative changes in beliefs, feelings, and mood.

This may include outbursts of anger, irritability, hyperviligence, difficulty concentrating, and exaggerated startle response. There may be anger at God and withdrawal from one’s faith-related practice. 

4.  Feeling “keyed up” (also called hyperarousal).

Sometimes a person will want their back to a wall in a restaurant or waiting room (so they can better survey their surroundings). Other examples include: aggressive behavior, always being on guard, and risktaking (including drugs and drinking). 

MY JOURNEY TO HEALING 

My counselor requested that I do a self-inventory of my life, from childhood to present day. I did not look forward to that homework assignment! However, much was learned. A good friend of mine wisely told me, “All drama is trauma.” I realized just how true that statement was. My PTSD symptoms had begun in early childhood, which was filled with drama. Having grown up with physical, verbal, and emotional violence, there was a lot of trauma in my life. “You’ll never amount to anything,” “Hey stupid,” and “You’re worthless” echoed in my ears. Friends dropped off at age 15 when my parents divorced, as divorce was taboo then. 

During my junior and senior high school years, I was forced to take on responsibilities no child should have. Age 18, I was kicked out of my home and told to live on my own. Scared and terribly insecure, I turned to drugs and drinking to numb the pain and went from one male relationship to another trying to find happiness. I felt stuck.  

Moving through the inventory of my life, I realized I had never felt safe in any situation. For a person with PTSD, “safe” is the first thing they need to feel. During employment within the Department of Corrections, I experienced many “unsafe” situations. I began to understand why I was so angry and overwhelmed, and why trust in others and myself had disappeared. Many things set me off. I constantly chose not to deal with these matters because it was too painful. Discouragement set in because I hated the person I saw in the mirror and felt unable to share those feelings with anyone. 

In order to heal, certain things in my life needed to change. I had to walk away from certain relationships for my own mental health, and find better support systems. I needed healthy people in my life who would be patient with me, accept my mixed-up feelings, and help me manage stress. This would help me rebuild trust in myself and others. I also had to be very aware and careful about what I put in my mind—what I read, listened to on the radio, and watched on television. Also, who I spent time with, where I went, and what I focused on was extremely important. Doing things that brought me joy and gave me comfort helped me relax and decrease stressful situations. This helped me manage my PTSD.

SEEKING STRENGTH IN SCRIPTURE

I am now on the other side of counseling, although I need to always be aware of my PTSD so it does not get the better of me. Coming to understand PTSD has brought me more tolerance and understanding, which in turn has empowered me. My PTSD has changed me, both my brain and my soul. And while it will never leave me, I now have tools to better deal with the symptoms when they rear their ugly head. When sensing survival mode and illogical thinking, I know that it is time to reconsider situations, people, and things. I realize now, more than ever, what a difference it makes to know that there are people who will stand by me, even when I am not at my best. They won’t give me pat answers, unsolicited advice, or tell me to “just get over it.” I also find great strength in God.   

The psalmist in Psalm 77:1-5 cries out to the Lord in agony, but rejoices in remembering His workings. Romans 5:1-5 speaks of having peace with God through Jesus Christ, no matter what the circumstances. I lean on these Scriptures during the difficult times. It is evident to me now that God is concerned with the person I am becoming through an open door to healing. Jesus is always there, by my side. How thankful I am, in my heart of hearts, to be able to hold on to that!

PTSD SCREENING 

In your life, have you ever had any experience that was so frightening, horrible, or upsetting that, in the past month you:

Current research recommends that if you answered “yes” to any three items, you should seek more information from a mental health care provider. A positive screen does not mean that you have PTSD. Only a qualified mental health care practitioner, such as a clinician or psychologist, can diagnose you with PTSD.

PTSD Resources

PTSD: National Center for PTSD 

~ By Susan E. Butcher. Susan is a certified life coach through the American Association of Christian Counselors, grief counselor, and freelance writer. 

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