When the Church is Hurtful

Anyone who has served in church leadership for any substantial amount of time has more than likely experienced some degree of church controversy. In almost two decades of ministry, I have seen pastors resign, congregants leave, and board members disagree. Fortunately, I have never been in the thick of it. Until now.

How should we respond when longtime friends, church members, and the women we serve and serve with are upset? What do we do when people are hurt and are hurtful, when our faith, biblical integrity, and leadership come under fire? What do we tell our kids when they see others criticizing their mom and their church on social media? What do we say when people in the community ask, “What’s going on at your church?” 

As with any difficult situation where human beings, emotions, and varying opinions are involved there are no easy answers. However, in the wake of our recent church controversy, the Lord is teaching me some difficult but invaluable lessons that are providing me much needed peace and perspective.

Above All Else, Pray.

I will admit after a controversial church meeting where I was singled out, my theology was questioned, and where I watched the people I love and serve come under attack (by other people I love and serve), prayer wasn’t even on my radar. 

My initial response was to vent, explain, and defend. I wanted to present my case and use my gift of words to articulate every injustice I observed. My default, without any conscious awareness, was to rely on my efforts, knowledge and, if I’m honest, even my position of leadership to persuade, convince, and rescue. Although it is hard to admit the ugly truth, the ugly truth helps emphasize the point.

When we are hurt and frustrated and fail to pray, we go to the place David did when he ordered Uriah to the front of the battle line. We will strike a stone like Moses in a moment of rationalization that seems better than God’s way. When we think we are right and neglect the difficult and intentional work of humbly going to God in prayer, we will rely on our flesh and all the dark and dangerous places our humanness can so easily and so quickly take us.

Die to Self.

When I asked God what to do in my wounded, angry, and defensive state of mind, he reminded me of a verse from 1 Peter 2:23, “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” I’ll admit, not only did I want to plug my ears, I wanted a different verse (maybe one that included revenge, justice, or a plague of locusts).

I didn’t think the Lord was judging justly or otherwise. I didn’t think it fair some people could express anything they wanted on social media or at a public forum and I had to be quiet. I didn’t think a calm and godly rebuttal was out of line or inappropriate. But my charge was clear, “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate…”

I subconsciously thought dying to self was a one-time event where I would make a grandiose decision in Jesus’ name. I thought it would look like something out of a movie where I bravely declared to follow Jesus while staring death in the face. I am learning in the midst of church controversy that dying to self is being obedient in the everyday things. It is being quiet when I think my persuasive, witty words are going to change people’s minds. It is praying for those who are upset with, confused by, or are questioning me. It is being obedient to Christ’s call when it isn’t easy or desirable (I guess that is why it’s called dying. It feels pretty awful in the moment).

Look Inward. 

Church controversy has also taught me when I’m forced to be quiet I am forced to deal with only myself. When I wanted to blame certain individuals, God told me instead to pray for them. When I told him I couldn’t, He told me to ask Him to soften my heart. When I wanted to justify why I was right, He reminded me those who were “wrong” likely also believe they were right and acting biblically. When I was irked by a comment I saw on social media, He prompted me to pray I would have a pure heart.  

In my sabbatical from complaining, justifying, and defending I am learning that in the middle of a difficult situation the only person I can control is myself. When I look inward, He gives me the humility I need to lead, experience joy, and find empathy when all I want is to be heard and to be right. When I look inward, he slowly begins to replace anxiety and animosity with peace and freedom. When I look inward at my own heart God can begin to do His work in the church.

Capitalize on Teachable Moments.

One of the hardest things about being a part of church controversy was my family. I did not want my three teenagers to see controversial posts about me. I did not want their friends asking them what was going on with me or our church. I wanted to protect them, but as I continued to pray and tried to continue to look inward I began to realize what a blessing this opportunity presented. I did not need to protect my children. I needed to share what I was learning with them. 

Without using names, I told my kids I had been hurt and that I was angry. I shared the verse God had given me from 1 Peter 2:23 (and I told them I wasn’t particularly happy about it). I told my children that I was struggling to pray for a few individuals so I was praying God would soften my heart toward them. I warned them about what they would see on Facebook and encouraged them to pray, too.  

Church controversy has taught me if I try to teach my kids that faith is easy, perfect, and painless, I am not modeling the kind of faith that will sustain them when things are hard. It has taught me that showing my kids how to love my neighbor when it’s hard, how to be clothed with humility in the face of criticism, and how to take on the nature of a servant—though costly—will teach them in a powerful way. 

What has church controversy taught me? It has shown me that without Jesus Christ I gravitate toward retribution and manipulation. It is teaching me when 1 John 2:9 says, “Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still living in darkness,” (NIV) I need to search my heart to ensure I’m living in the light. Church controversy is teaching me that in order to be conformed into Christ’s likeness the only person that needs to act differently, is the one I see looking back at me in the mirror.