Wrestling with the Goodness of God

She stood on the curb, waiting patiently for the car to pull up. Holding her phone in one hand and gripping the leash in the other, she checked to see how far away the driver was. 3 minutes. She was excited. Having recently moved to this city, she didn’t know many people, but she was starting to make some connections through church, and this Easter Sunday she was going to worship God with these fellow believers. 

Her phone buzzed. Looking down, the first word she saw was “Canceled.” Stunned, she read further: “No dogs in my car.” This is my only form of transportation, she thought as she started trying to get another driver. When she finally connected with a driver, she realized the time it would take to wait for the driver and then drive to the church was going to make her too late for the service. Defeated, she looked down at her guide dog. “I’m thankful for you, even if yet another driver canceled on us. Let’s go back up to the apartment and watch the service online.” The next day she posted about her experience on social media. 

I scrolled through, looking at the Easter photos my friends and family posted. I stopped when I got to her post. After reading about how this wasn’t the first time a driver canceled on her due to having a guide dog, I immediately prayed, God, why would you let a blind girl not be able to get a ride to church on Easter Sunday? She was going to worship You, and yet You let this driver say no to giving her a ride? Where were You in this situation? The thoughts pounded in my head. I texted her, letting her know that if I lived in her city, I would’ve given her a ride. My friend kindly responded, saying that she knows God brings us through difficult situations and that He is good. But is He really good? 

WRESTLING WITH THE GOODNESS OF GOD

I wrestled with this question for a year. I went from what I thought was complete trust in the Lord to doubting everything I was once so sure of. I kept hearing stories of Christian brothers and sisters suffering from what seemed to be unearned pain. “God, relieve them of their suffering,” I would pray. 

As I tried to see God’s goodness in all of it, a friend gave me the book Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy: Discovering the Grace of Lament by Mark Vroegop. This book changed my walk with the Lord for the better because it taught me how to bring my frustrations and questions to the Lord in a humble manner. I opened it up and started reading, but not far in I slammed it shut and burst into tears. “I don’t want to suffer, God! Please don’t make me suffer.” Why did I pray such a foolish prayer? 

A deep fear began to well up that God would not sustain me through suffering. What if He doesn’t carry me through like He carried Mark Vroegop and his wife through the loss of their baby daughter? What if, as Job cried in Job 3:25, that which I fear most comes to pass? Is God still good when He allows His people to suffer? 

In John 16:33, Jesus promises all those who follow Him that, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” As Christians, we have fair warning that we’ll face trials in this life. It’s easy to talk about it when God isn’t breaking down your idols or putting you through something you thought you’d never face. While some suffering comes from personal poor decisions, there is suffering that comes when we have done nothing “wrong,” meaning we haven’t made a bad decision or sinned in some way to bring about this pain. This is the pain I so feared. 

THE PROMISE OF GOD 

Our world will tell you there’s no way a good God would allow such evil to happen, especially to good people. In our finite human minds, this makes sense—and I think that because it makes sense, some churches preach a message of, “Do the right things and you’ll be blessed.” 

While God calls us throughout Scripture to fight against our flesh and do the right thing (see Micah 6:8 and Matt. 5:1–16), we are never promised a blissful life on this earth. Christians are called to trust in God and follow His commands because His ways are the best. He is why people are able to suffer through evil and still fully trust in Him. We do not carry ourselves through trials. God does. 

REASSURANCE FROM ON HIGH

After a year of questioning God's goodness and wondering if He would carry me through whatever trials are to come my way, I finally verbalized, “God where are you?!” I was surprised at the volume of my voice when I let those words out in the middle of a sleepless night. “If You’re not near when I’m not suffering, then how am I supposed to make it through a trial? Where have You gone? I’m terrified of the future, but I know I can’t make it on my own. I feel like a liar because I tell people I’m a Christian and yet I’m severely doubting. Help my unbelief, because I’m this close to saying, ‘I don’t believe.’” 

It was in that moment that God convicted me: “Cassidy, where have you gone? You think I’ve wandered? You know that I’ve been right here with you this whole time. You doubt my goodness and my power to stop all the evil in the world? Remember that this world is broken because of sin and that I see all of it. My ways are not your ways. The devil wants you to think that I will sustain others, but I’ll abandon you. Go back and read Job 38–42 and tell me if you want to keep questioning me. 

“Look around at all the goodness in your life and know that it is all from Me. My promise is that I will carry you through trials, so rest in that right now, because tomorrow has enough worries of its own.” That’s when I knew He was carrying me through my doubt. I asked for His forgiveness because I did not see, and I thanked Him for His mercy in convicting me. 

When you are in the middle of a trial, it feels like it’s never going to end. You fear this is the rest of your life and you’ll never be joyful again. I don’t know how God will bring you through, but I know that He will. The great pastor and theologian Charles Spurgeon once said, “Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there.” Cry out to God and He will carry you through. Why? Because He loves and cares for you and He is good, He is always good, and He is only good.