Singled Out

Three weeks after his wedding, 43-year-old Brian attended a men’s breakfast at his church. The men greeted him with slaps on the back, jabs about marriage, and smirks regarding the honeymoon. He returned home to his new bride and commented, “For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged at church.” As his wife relayed this story to me, tears streamed down my face. I wept because I could relate as a single person in the church, but my heart broke over such alienation among God’s people. 

Why did it take marriage for Brian to finally feel part of a church? More than 50 percent of the U.S. population is single. Yet according to Barna Research, merely 23 percent of churchgoers identify as single. Why the discrepancy? How does the church make room for this growing group? 

Author Tony Evans describes the struggle in his book Living Single. Since the typical church in America today tends to emphasize families, he says singles often feel like “second-class citizens.” However, singles enrich church community, and we need to recognize and value their contributions as full members of the body of Christ. Singles can serve the church wholeheartedly in ways married people can’t.   

The Great Divide

In any given church year, sermons on marriage and parenting abound. As the single person listens to messages that don’t fit their life context, they perform mental gymnastics to apply the sermon to their lives. Should they store these “three steps for disciplining toddlers” to use for their future families? Such thinking assumes everyone will wed. I have listened to thousands of sermons in my lifetime. Not one of them has focused solely on singleness on a Sunday morning. 

Most gender-specific ministries focus on marriage and family life too. I am not saying that exposure to issues of marriage and parenting doesn’t benefit me as a single woman. They do. If I hear only from people with lifestyles like mine, I miss out on rich experiences and insights. And as I listen to parenting battles, I can develop compassion and remember the goal of life is growth in Christ. As you describe that fight with your husband, I see how it relates to how I disrespected my boss yesterday.

In the same way, married people can hear a single person’s struggle with contentment and realize ways they have idolized their families over Jesus. I’ve heard some married women express how they miss the intimacy they had with Christ in their single days. Singles can inspire married people to continue pursuing time with Jesus in the limited minutes they can spare. When we share, we realize our commonalities outweigh our differences.

Today, churches often label singles ministry as “young adult ministry.” Many unattached people find themselves in college or just beginning their careers, so they rightly fall into this category, but more people than ever before stay single into their thirties and beyond. Some of us age beyond “young” while maintaining our single status. Stuffing all the singles into young adult ministries sends a subtle message to the unmarried that they exist in transition, waiting for “real life” to begin. 

Bridging the Divide

So, how do we bridge this divide? It can start with valuing the way God uses and calls people as singles. There have been many Christian singles who have impacted the church—Mary, Martha, and Lazarus to name a few. Other single Christian leaders made their mark on the world. Amy Carmichael sailed to India in 1895 at age 26 as an unmarried missionary. She founded her own mission’s organization, adapted to the culture by wearing saris, and advocated against child trafficking. 

My friend Stephanie Ribaudo moved across the country to work in an alternative school. During school breaks, she provides disaster relief in places like Haiti and Nepal. Although Steph longs for marriage, she stewards her single life well. 

Paul explains the benefits of singleness in 1 Corinthians 7. He says singles can pursue the Lord and minister in an undivided manner, while married people need to consider the impact of ministry commitments on their families. 

Last spring I had a big decision to make. As the deadline neared, I grabbed my journal and spent the day in a park, asking God about it. As I described this to my friend Geri, a wife and mom to six, she marveled and expressed some envy. With all her kids, she can’t tear herself from her responsibilities for decision-making prayer time.

God gives us spiritual gifts without regard to marital status, so singles should be encouraged to lead, teach, administrate, disciple, or do whatever else the Spirit has gifted them with to serve. The church benefits when all members operate as God has wired them.

Prior to the Reformation, the church required singleness of its leaders. Post-Reformation, the church has swung in the other direction. It often values marriage above all else, which can deter and alienate singles. There’s no question a high view of marriage is needed in the church, but as Paul writes in 1 Cor 7:32–38, God ordains both marriage and singleness. Both come with blessings and challenges, and God deems both equally valuable.

Filling the Divide  

There are many ways the church and married people can encourage and support singles in their churches to bridge the divide that exists. Here are some practical ways:

1.  Invite singles to invest in your children.

Singles have time to disciple, serve, and invest in people. Your kids need to see other adults who live their lives loving Jesus. Singles can invest in and love your kids like an aunt or uncle. My friends allow me playdates with their children. We swing at the park, plug our noses at the smelly elephants in the zoo, or race to lick all the ice cream before it melts down our arms. I send them home sticky and sugar upped—with all the fun and without the burden of discipline.

2.  Provide support.

Singles often pour freely into the church, but they need support. They may find it easier to hide their “stuff.” For this reason, we need people to hold us accountable and ask us the hard questions. We have to make a conscious effort to engage in community and to allow people access to our innermost thoughts. Please don’t let us hide. 

3.  Be sensitive.

Our feelings toward singleness may ebb and flow. Many of us long for marriage, but don’t assume everyone does. For those who desire it, waiting can be hard. I experience periods of pure contentment with Jesus, but I also occasionally weep, wail, and gnash my teeth over my unwed state. God never promised marriage to everyone; not all of the 150 million singles in America will marry. No one knows God’s plans, so please don’t offer glib advice like, “Don’t worry, you’re beautiful, and will surely marry” or “Right when you stop looking, your man will come!” Singles need encouragement, sometimes in the simple form of a hug. Loneliness can physically hurt. 

4.  Encourage singles to live a holy sexual life.

Cheer singles on in purity. Even though many singles love Jesus, they still struggle sexually. Don’t assume they live a pure life. They need accountability, both physically and in their thought lives.  

The church needs both married and single people. Each state is a gift and has a necessary place in the body of Christ. There are no second-class Christians, for in Christ, we stand equal before God (Gal. 3:28). 

Whether single for a season or for life, single people have much to contribute to our church communities. Allow them to flourish as God has gifted them. Engage them in your church and personal social life. Let’s prevent more Brian’s from feeling like they have no place in the church until marriage.

~ By Angela Cirocco