Spiritual Abuse by Leaders

“Karolyn, what’d you do to provoke Juan?”

I chose to respond slowly, trying to constrain the thoughts flooding my head from spilling out of my mouth. Inside, I was boiling. Even if I’d “provoked” him, does that mean Juan isn’t responsible for demonstrating love and forgiveness? Does my failure justify abuse? Our pastor’s question implied that conclusion.

“Pastor, I’m not perfect, so don’t take this wrong. To my knowledge, I didn’t provoke him. On the contrary, I walk on eggshells to please him.

Juan rolled his eyes. The pastor’s expression suggested doubt. Both believed Juan wouldn’t behave poorly without me pushing his buttons.

The pastor never addressed the severity of Juan’s attacks. The goal was my repentance; Juan’s actions were justified. Somehow, he earned the pastor’s empathy. Together, they believed the responsibility rested on my shoulders. Fix my sin; problem solved.

One of the last things the pastor said left me speechless: “Karolyn, remember Christ on the cross receiving the insults and derogatory actions from the soldiers? You need to be Jesus to Juan.” Later, in an email, I confronted his misuse of Scripture to justify Juan’s abuse. Then I announced the termination of my sessions with him. The irony of a victim seeking assistance only to be spiritually abused by a Christian leader!

This is the exception, right? Surely, most pastors and church leaders know how to deal effectively with abuse. Or do they? Unfortunately, my story suggests otherwise.

When Leaders Look the Other Way   

While we were missionaries in Mexico years earlier, our mission rep, Frank, came to visit. By then, I recognized the depth of our struggles, though I hadn’t yet used the word “abuse.” Upon Frank’s arrival, he allotted ninety minutes to cover his forty questions. At question number twenty, Frank looked up and said, “So, how’s your marriage?” Juan responded first. I don’t remember what he said. I was so frustrated with the time limit. When Juan finished, Frank looked at me.

“Frank, based on your initial comments, it sounds like we only have about two minutes for each answer. There’s no way to address this fairly with that restriction.”

I hoped he’d put his list to the side and remove the time constraint. However, after noting my response, he proceeded to ask question number twenty-one. I don’t remember anything else from that interview, other than my disbelief.

Upon our return from the field, Frank visited again when he realized our marriage was near the boiling point. He requested individual meetings first. I dared to hope: maybe he’d changed. Maybe he was willing to listen.

By then, I’d been through months of counseling and learned about abuse. I understood Juan had been psychologically abusing me all those years. Now I was able to describe what happened behind closed doors. I dared to use the word “abuse” with Frank.

“Karolyn, please don’t use that word. It’s not fair to label Juan.”

How do you solve a problem if you’re not allowed to identify it?  I didn’t even know how to continue the conversation with such censorship. I should’ve suspected the meeting to follow (with Frank, Juan, and me) would be equally unproductive.

When in the midst of crazy-making conversations, your head spins and your ability to process disappears. I only remember that I verbalized a legitimate concern in as kind a way as I could. Juan glared at me with a scowl, rolling his eyes. I looked to Frank for support, expecting he’d confront Juan’s aggressive non-verbal behavior. Frank didn’t, but rather redirected the conversation, avoiding my comment and Juan’s response. I left the room to cry, unable to hold back. My teary, red eyes were a dead give-away upon my return, but no one acknowledged my pain. No one acknowledged the inappropriate behavior, but why was I surprised? After all, if you can’t say “abuse,” why would anyone address it?

Your Safety Matters

The following week, I asked Juan for a separation, supported by friends who understood the dangers of abuse. Within days, Frank reached out. He was hurt. How dare I separate after all he’d done for us? Clearly, I hadn’t recognized his sacrifice of time. Asking for a separation from my abusive husband was a slap in Frank’s face. He never inquired about my personal safety or state of mind.

While separation provided a time to heal, it also meant I’d need to inform others of our new status. I’d done the right thing for myself, my children, and my relationship with God, but I knew not everyone would agree.

Jeff, a missionary, sent an email in response to my update: “Karolyn: My dad was abusive to my mom, but my mom never left his side. I’ve been a terrible husband to my wife, but she’s never denied me my spousal rights. You need to repent and return to Juan. That is your spiritual responsibility.”

Becoming Part of the Solution

I told Jeff we’d have to agree to disagree. Deep down I wanted to yell at him. How dare he say that his sex drive was more important than his responsibility to love and care for his spouse?

I hope I don’t sound bitter. I was at one point, but God is helping me heal. I’ve experienced Him as my Rock of Refuge (Ps. 71:3).  Now, I pray He’ll use my story to educate others. In “defense” of Christian leaders, pastors, and even counselors, I’ve discovered abuse is usually not included within the curriculum. You can be a pastor or a counselor and never receive training to deal with abusive behavior in a biblical way. I doubt there’s a required course titled, “How to not spiritually abuse your parishioners,” but there should be! It’s never too late. If we recognize a problem for which we don’t know a solution, it behooves us to investigate. Responding in ignorance can result in spiritually abusing others, just like the examples above. Acts 20:28-30 reminds us that God wants Christian leaders to take their responsibility seriously, warning that future leaders will “distort the truth.”

It’s time to speak up and reveal the problem. We can’t sweep it under the rug. Leaders and laypeople should be willing to learn. Abuse is rampant and increasing. Looking the other way, not saying the word “abuse,” or pressuring people to allow it by “turning the other cheek” only serves to assist this mushrooming monster in wreaking havoc on God’s flock. Be part of the solution rather than the problem.

If you are interested in learning more, considering the following resources offered by FOCUS Ministries:

• Pastor’s Guide to Dealing with Domestic Violence
• Violence Among Us: Ministry to Families in Crisis by Brenda Branson & Paula J. Silva.
• FOCUS  offers training for pastors, counselors and laypeople on the topic of how to minister to those caught in domestic violence of all types.

~ By Karolyn Dekker

Karolyn Dekker is a pen name. Karolyn has completed FOCUS Ministries’ Faith-based Domestic Violence Certificate training, as well as training through the Illinois Coalition against Domestic Violence. Her aim is to both educate and motivate others about the insidious nature of emotional abuse in the church with the goal of equipping both leaders and laypeople to address abusive behavior in a biblical way.