Spiritual Abuse in Marriage

Cult leaders typically utilize spiritual abuse to control their followers. People like David Koresh in Waco, Texas, and some polygamist cultures like the Kingston Group are notorious for taking Scripture out of context. Churches that Abuse, first published in 1992, is a best-selling Christian book written by Ronald M. Enroth. The book documents how church leaders poisoned husbands’ minds by teaching them to use scripture to keep their wives in line.

However, it’s not just pastors and religious leaders who resort to spiritual abuse (the use of spiritual truths or biblical texts to do harm). Anyone who uses the Bible or religion to control others is guilty of the same.

Spiritual Abuse Explained

Abuse can be overt or covert. Think of overt as obvious and covert as hidden. Physical, sexual, and verbal abuse are examples of overt types. We can see, feel, and hear it. Covert abuse is equally hurtful, but less easily recognized. Examples are manipulation, passive-aggressive responses, and other control tactics, also known as emotional or psychological abuse. Spiritual abuse fits into this category.

What does this sound like in the context of a marriage relationship?

• “I’m just following the example of David in the Psalms. He always spoke from his heart and was transparent about everything.” (Justifying the “bringing to light” of his wife’s sin during a shared prayer time.)
• “One of us isn’t grasping the true meaning of that verse.” (Accompanied by a facial expression indicating the speaker isn’t experiencing a moment of self-reflection.)
• “You’re not biblically submissive.” (Sadly, this can be very effective on a woman who truly longs to exhibit godly submission in her marriage.)
• “It’s your job to support my decisions.” (Similar to above.)
• “That’s not the way I interpret it.” (Expressed in a prideful tone in response to a spouse sharing what she learned from a Bible verse.)
• “God made me head of the home.” (When trying to establish his authority and the right to make decisions on her behalf.)
• “Are you going to teach me now?” “I’m the one who attended Bible school, remember?” (Mockingly, in response to a spouse sharing spiritual insight.)
• “The Bible says you can’t withhold sex from me.” (After hearing of his wife’s difficulty to get in the mood at night when his treatment of her during the day feels harsh.)
• “I know you better than you know yourself.” (This lays a foundation of speaking his version of the “truth” into her life, not allowing her to listen to God’s direction.)
• “God told me…” (Who can argue with that?)

Additional examples would be monopolizing shared prayer time, questioning or criticizing how the other one prays, using Biblical terms when name calling (i.e. “prodigal daughter,” “Jezebel”), taking Scripture out of context to create false accusations, and claiming to have the “spirit of David” as a justification for having fallen into adultery (These are real life examples!). Sadly, the response to confrontation of the abuser often yields more spiritual abuse. Anyone brave enough to stand up to it will likely be labeled unsubmissive, so the cycle continues.

The covert nature of spiritual abuse makes it easily overlooked. Use of Scripture in a conversation inspires us to pay better attention. However, when shame, insults, ridicule, and manipulation accompany the sharing of Bible verses or religious “truths,” you can bet spiritual abuse is alive and well.

Trust Your Instincts

I hesitate to tell people to trust their gut. I guess because we’re fallen and unreliable. However, I do believe it’s important for victims of abuse to re-learn how to listen to their instincts. I’m embarrassed to admit it took twenty years before I realized my husband abused me, partly because it was covert, but also because I stopped trusting my gut. We’ve all had that pit in the bottom of our stomach at one time or another, though we struggle to put our finger on the reason. Even so, instead of contemplating the discomfort’s cause in a marriage, we blindly defer to our partner, trust his leadership, give him the benefit of the doubt, assume he’s speaking the truth in love, all in the name of honoring his headship, in spite of the fact that our gut says something’s wrong!

I thought behaving as an obedient, submissive, godly wife meant ignoring my feelings and trusting in God’s guidance as provided through my husband’s leadership. To suggest otherwise would’ve been, well, unsubmissive, right?  However, God deals individually with each of his children. He may use our spouse to guide the family in general ways (with the purpose of loving and protecting them), but God’s spirit abides in wives as much as in husbands. We don’t need to wait for our husband’s proclamation of God’s revelation. There’s no biblical mandate telling the husband to control and manipulate his wife because of his spiritual authority.

So what is the proper response to spiritual abuse?

• When you feel criticized, remember, God doesn’t condemn (John 3:17).
• When you feel humiliated, remember, God doesn’t shame. (Rom. 10:11).
• When you feel belittled, remember, you are God’s beloved (John 15:9)
• When your gut tells you something is wrong, remember, God’s Word is a light to your path (Ps. 119:105). Use Scripture to identify the lies you’re hearing. The truth will set you free, not create more bondage (John 8:32).
• When you feel intimidated, remember, God is for you (Rom. 8:31).
• When you’re afraid, remember, God didn’t give us a spirit of fear (2 Tim. 1:7).
• When you feel controlled or manipulated, remember, where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom (2 Cor. 3:17).

If you’re on the receiving end of spiritual abuse, there’s a very good chance there are other forms of abuse taking place, too. You need to find a trusted friend or counselor to help assess your situation. Is your husband basically a good guy, but has some misunderstandings about Scripture and his role? Or is he willfully choosing to use Scripture as a weapon because he knows the effectiveness it has on you? Jesus said His yoke would be easy and His burden light (Matt. 11:30). He’s saddened (probably angered) when someone uses His holy Word to put heavy burdens on people, especially in the context of marriage. Find a safe person to discuss your situation with and start to pray about how to stand up to, or walk away from, the sin of spiritual abuse.

If you are in an abusive marriage, here are some resources for you:

If you or someone you know needs help for an abusive situation, please contact one of these organizations for help in your area...

• National Alliance on Mental Illness: NAMI Hotline: 800-950-NAMI (6264)
• The American Association of Christian Counselors
• National Association of Christian Counselors

~ By Karolyn Dekker. Karolyn Dekker is a pen name. Karolyn has completed FOCUS Ministries’ Faith-based Domestic Violence Certificate training, as well as training through the Illinois Coalition against Domestic Violence. Her aim is to both educate and motivate others about the insidious nature of emotional abuse in the church with the goal of equipping both leaders and laypeople to address abusive behavior in a biblical way.