How Do I Be A Good Mom?

This past year, I was invited to speak and lead worship at a conference for moms. I am a bit new to this role, having a four year old and two-year-old twins, but I was willing to share whatever wisdom I had gathered over these brief five years. 

We loaded up the van early that morning, carrying the sleeping kids from their beds straight to their car seats. After collecting the rest of the band, instruments, and equipment, we were on our way. 

It wasn’t until we arrived at the conference that I realized I had left behind the kids’ suitcases… and their beds, and their toys, and literally everything they needed for the entire weekend. I had even managed to leave behind their shoes! 

To make matters worse, one of the twins wasn’t feeling well, and he threw up on me. We’d run to a store and buy more clothes, and then he’d do it again. The cycle just kept repeating itself. 

Not sure if you can relate to such an epic mom fail? This one was so blatant and public that one of the child sponsorship programs for the conference jokingly offered to make packets with my kids’ faces on them to display on their table. Needless to say, my seminar had less to do with deep insights I possess as a maternal role model and more about all the ways I am learning to rely on Jesus!

What does it take to be a good mom? Is it reading the right books or attending great parenting seminars? These resources can be helpful if they inform us rather than present us with an unrealistic ledger by which to measure our performance. 

Is the secret finding good role models to emulate? To the degree that they encourage and inspire you, rather than create an image of perfection from which you constantly fall short, they are helpful. The truth is, it doesn’t take much to make us feel inadequate as a woman, as a wife—and especially as a mom. 

The good news is that being a good mom isn’t something that hinges on superb baking skills or a supernatural ability to keep our cool when our kids are driving us up the wall. Being a good mom begins with throwing out the paradigm of self-sufficiency and put-togetherness; it begins with embracing our humanity, our brokenness and, most importantly, our inability to be a “good mom.” It begins with throwing ourselves in the arms of Jesus and humbly acknowledging our desperate need for grace.

When the church at Philippi was first getting started, they were nothing more than a band of struggling followers. As the very first Christian community in Europe, they sought with zeal to be “good Christians,” even though the calling must have felt beyond what they could grasp. It was to this small group of fledgling disciples that Paul wrote this good news: “The one who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil 1:6).

There are a few things to notice about this verse. First, if you belong to God and have trusted the finished work of Jesus for your salvation, God has begun a good work in you. Despite your background, your childhood, and your maternal instinct (or lack thereof), God is committed to making you a great mom. 

HOW DO YOU BE A GOOD MOM?

1.  Rely on God 

First Timothy tells us He is the giver of every good and perfect gift. Every life that has ever begun to grow in a womb and every child placed in a home through foster care or adoption is placed there by God. You are not a mom by mistake, whether you planned your pregnancy or not. God has chosen you to be a mom, and He is working in you to make you a great mom. 

In order to recognize this work, we must acknowledge that the great mom God is calling us to be may look different from what our culture tells us. Being a great mom doesn’t mean feeding your kids only free-range meat or having the right answers to your five year old’s endless list of questions. It doesn’t even mean always making the right decisions about the parties your middle schooler wants to attend. The most outstanding characteristic of a godly mom is a total reliance on God.

I was recently talking to a young couple who are considering having children, but are reticent due to their own dysfunctional families. When they shared in all vulnerability their fears of making mistakes and failing as parents, my comforting response was, “Oh, don’t worry! You totally will. You will blow it big time. You’re gonna make so many mistakes and fail in ways you can’t even imagine!” While it probably wasn’t the answer they were looking for, I reminded them that feelings of “not being enough” point to the reality that God doesn’t tell us we have to be enough, because He is enough. As with any endeavor in which God calls us to step out in faith, He never leaves us alone in it. He is with us always.

2.  Surrender to God

Second, Paul reminds us that this good work God is doing in us is still in progress.   Other translations of this passage use “perform” or “perfect.” Guess who is the one performing and perfecting? Not us, but God the Father. The perfect embodiment of love, grace, wisdom, and every quality we long to exhibit as parents is persevering with us in our failure, continuing to mold us into His image. 

How does this perfecting take place? Through prayer, by reading His Word, and by building relationships with other moms who are striving to know Him deeper. It begins with letting ourselves off the hook. He doesn’t call us to be perfect; He calls us to be surrendered.

3.  Grow Up Together in Christ 

Lastly, we must remember that we are both on this journey—as parent and child—to  become mature followers of Christ. We were set on this earth not to show our kids what the perfect mom looks like, but to point them toward a perfect Holy God. 

What will my children learn from me about faith? What will they learn about humility and repentance? 

I will never forget the first time I had to ask my four-year-old, Josie, for forgiveness. She was eighteen months old and had gone to the upstairs bathroom to wash her hands. Before we knew it, the sink was clogged and there was a stream of water coming out of our downstairs ceiling fan. 

My reaction? I completely lost my temper, yelled at her, and later had to repent. I asked for her forgiveness and told her that Mommy is still learning how to be a Mommy. Most importantly, I told her how thankful I was that God delights in showing grace to all His children, those who do hundreds of dollars of damage to a home and those who respond in anger to their children.

Let go of trying to be a “good mom.” Stop looking to those around you as the standard and start looking to God the Father as the author and perfecter of your faith. He is doing a good work in you and that work does not hinge on your faithfulness, but on His.