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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

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In a time of rising divorce rates, we need to understand the root causes of the breakup of marriages. The Ten Commandments does not include a command “Thou Shalt Not Divorce”. But, we do find “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” and this is one of the most common causes of marital destruction. Adultery is the “dirty bomb” of a marriage relationship. Recovery is extremely difficult.

Adultery is not only a sexual sin, but lie upon lie. Lust, betrayal, covetousness, rage, and a hardened heart. Adultery is a heart and soul breaking of covenant. Satan moves in, and like a snake, grips and pulls the adulterer deeper into darkness.

So many Christians can’t understand why friends, pastors, counselors or others can’t just intervene and cause the person to cease the behavior. “Why don’t you tell him it’s sin?” “Just hit her over the head with the Bible (like a sledgehammer) and she’ll stop the adultery.” Most of the time; however, the person involved in adultery knows perfectly well that what he or she is doing is sin. The person is compelled. He or she will deny, blame, or become isolated. He or she will look at a pastor or counselor in the eye and deny the illicit relationship.

Jesus in Matthew 5:32 mentions “sexual immorality” as an exception to his prohibition against divorce. That should tell us how deadly the sin of adultery is.

I have counseled many pastors’ wives who know their husbands have slipped into sexual immorality and lead a double life. He carries out his pastoral duties with a narcissistic chip on his shoulder. It takes a lot of lying to yourself to live with two faces. The wife often joins in the lie and continues on in church with a fake smile, not wanting to rock the boat and believing that if she covers up the sin, things will somehow work out.

Does this honor God? Does a dark lie in a leader, perpetuated by a spouse not give the Evil One a foothold in a church? How can a leader who is actively involved in adultery be the tool of the Holy Spirit?

Other sins which may destroy a marriage must be exposed and dealt with. Spouses are not meant to be accomplices to moral crimes of their husbands or wives.

Some of the intolerable situations which may lead to separation at least need to be exposed and dealt with before they become lethal: physical or sexual abuse toward the spouse or children, emotional abuse in the form of raging, belittling, or absolute controlling. For example, Jesus let us know we have a solemn duty to protect our children: “It would be better for a person to have a millstone to be hung around his neck and thrown into the sea than to cause a little one to sin” (Matthew 18:6). Then there is drug or alcohol abuse, gambling away the family’s precious resources, compulsive use of pornography, one-night homosexual stands, pedophilia, or reckless behavior. I’d like to say these are only hypotheticals, but I’ve encountered every one in counseling Christian families.

The fact that some extreme forms of unfaithfulness can destroy a marriage does not mean that any source of distress is a valid ground for divorce. There are all kinds of things we need to forbear about each other. People shouldn’t leave a marriage if they say “the romance is gone”, or “he doesn’t pay enough attention to me”, or “he’s not the spiritual head of the home”, or “he’s not meeting my needs.” Sometimes wives are blaming their husbands too much for things that really aren’t meant to come from the husband alone. The wife may be depressed or is not taking care of her relationship with the Lord.

Petty issues like chronic lateness, an overweight spouse, or a messy spouse are not reasons for leaving a marriage, though we hear that people do that all the time. Resentment leads to bitterness and chokes the marriage.

Studies have shown that marriage counseling fails when it is just two people exchanging demands and expectations that the other person change. It does work when couples work toward being responsible for themselves and for their happiness and learn to accept the idiosyncrasies of the other. Love, forbearance, friendship – these are the things that heal. We have to learn to forget about irritating habits.

Marriage is more about sanctification than happiness. In a marriage and family you see where the fruit of the Spirit is present, and where it is absent. In marriage you can grow in character and learn the real meaning of love.

If you or someone you know is considering whether they should leave their marriage, here are some key questions to ask:

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