Living in the Sandwich Generation

Somehow, the phrase “The Sandwich Generation” makes it sound too simple – like putting bread with a little peanut butter and jelly into a zipper bag and off you go. But when you’re the one who’s pressed between a slice of life filled with caring for your children, and another slice focused on your aging parents, things can get very sticky, very quickly.

Several years ago, I received two life-changing phone calls – one with a job offer I really wanted, and the second from a hospital emergency room. My mother, who was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease, had run a red light and collided with another car. Instead of celebrating the new job with my husband and two daughters that evening, I rushed to the hospital to await x-ray results with Mom. She suffered a broken rib and collarbone.

After the accident, which totaled Mom’s van, I found myself juggling the new job with added responsibilities for my mother, who was no longer able to drive. Now I not only helped her with finances and household chores, but had to drive her everywhere. (It all falls to me because I’m an only child.)

The following year was the beginning of a caregiving odyssey that included moving Mom from her home to an apartment, then moving her again to assisted living, and then finally, moving her yet another time five months later to a skilled nursing facility after she was found on the floor having suffered an apparent stroke.

My husband and daughters were a tremendous help through these trials, and friends and other family members pitched in, too. We thought we’d weathered the worst of the storm, but the early months of this year brought six separate trips to hospital emergency rooms with Mom, for problems ranging from infections to blood clots. Without faith in God, I couldn’t have handled the stress of those phone calls – almost always occurring on my days at the office – saying Mom was being transported to the ER again.  I was at her side each time.   

Every caregiving family’s journey is different, but there are certain things I’ve seen to be true for many people caught in “The Sandwich Generation.”

1.  Prepare for a marathon, not a sprint. 

This advice is true for so many situations. The key, as in running, is to pace yourself, and prepare mentally for the challenges around the next curve. Taking time and thinking ahead really pays off – in our case, for example, we’re glad we arranged for financial and health-care powers of attorney while my mother was still healthy.

2.  Everything changes. 

As we completed each move, I found myself thinking, “Okay, now things will settle down.” And they did, for a short while. But change is constant, and as caregivers we need to accept that fact. Changes are as much a part of life with aging parents as with growing children.

3.  Find ways to take care of yourself, too. 

I often smirked when well-meaning friends would say, “Don’t forget to take care of yourself!” Their words conjured images of weekends away or relaxing massages – impossible luxuries. But I have found respite in smaller, simpler things, such as walking with a friend (who has also cared for her parents), or occasionally waking up a little earlier to enjoy solitude and spiritual nourishment. Look for little opportunities that aren’t tied to any responsibility.

4.  Help is not a four-letter word.

Don’t feel ashamed to ask people for assistance during this stage of life when you’re juggling so many jobs. And try not to refuse help when it’s offered. We have been amazed at the people who’ve offered to help us.

Yes, it’s sticky being in “the sandwich” but through it all, I’ve learned a lot, and grown in ways I could never have imagined.

~ By Deborah Lisko