Navigating Change at Midlife
“It is never too late to be what you might have been” (George Eliot). So, who do you want to be?
As I look back on my early years as a college student and then as a young wife and mother, a few tools still serve me well now that I gaze out onto the changes in the second half of life. The tools are timeless, so they help you navigate change at whatever age!
God-is-bigger Attitude.
One of the wisest decisions I made was to get to know God personally. My view of God grew until I understood that He can handle anything. You need a big God, or life feels out of control. I have peace because I know that God has a plan for me that will bring me a future and a hope (Jer. 29:11). He works all things together for my good (Rom. 8:28). I used a daily mantra to forge forward in midlife: When people aren’t good—God is good. When circumstances aren’t good—God is good. When I’m not good—God is good. A good God works all things together for good.
Forward Focus.
So much changes at midlife. If you relive regret, if you replay the ways people hurt you in the past, you can become bitter—then no one will want to be around you. If you keep a forward focus and look to God for the next opportunity, you will discover more opportunities than you can even implement.
For my birthday one year at a hard and hurtful juncture, I asked my friends for the “present of God’s presence.” It was amazing to me how choosing a forward focus moved my mood to a positive place. By choosing a positive attitude, I partnered with God in using the change to move my life forward. It is not easy to choose a forward focus, nor is it a one-time choice. It is a daily practice, a discipline with a great payoff. You can’t change circumstances, you can’t change people, but the one thing you can change is your attitude.
I appreciate our friends, Dave and Claudia Arp, authors of The Second Half of Marriage, who say, “The rest is the best.” The second half of life can be full because you have gained perspective, wisdom, and the ability the maximize your talents for maximum positive impact in a world that desperately needs positive change. Midlife is when you and your generation are in charge. With a forward focus, positive change can occur.
Practice Praise First.
The Bible says that we are to give thanks in all things (1 Thess. 5:18), we are to give a sacrifice of praise (Heb. 13:15), and we are to present our requests to God with praise (Phil. 4:6). The result will be peace that surpasses all understanding (Phil. 4:7). I like to start my day in praise through prayer, going on a morning walk where I thank God for creation, for people, and for opportunities and even obstacles that make each day a fresh start. Change is easier to navigate if you take it on in bite-sized pieces; practicing praise helps you do that.
I also chose to handle my relationships with this “praise first” practice. I try to compliment the positive in people. Even the hardest to love and, as my friend Dolores calls them, EGR (Extra Grace Required) people are easier to relate to when you love them by faith. I learned the concept of loving by faith when I was 19 and my father was an alcoholic. Bill Bright’s book, How to Love By Faith, helped me to decide to love someone not because they were lovely, or because they acted worthy of love, but simply because God loved them. I learned how to, as my friend Dr. Rose Anne Coleman puts it, “be a concrete pipe,” a conduit through which God’s love could flow to others.
This mentality is important at midlife because relationships change so much. You move from your children’s parent to their friend and confidant; your marriage changes as children leave the nest and what was once a cute quirk in a spouse can become a huge source of irritation if you forget to love by faith. You have been around the block enough that there are people who have hurt you and even rejected or abandoned you—only loving by faith and practicing praise will keep you from becoming negative and cynical. Praise will make you better instead of bitter.
God Hunt.
Each day, I look for the positive thing, person, or principle that God brought across my path that day. By looking for God working in my life, I gain hope and peace because I never feel abandoned or sidelined when God is at work.
Choose Joy.
One particularly tough place in my life was during midlife. I wasn’t sure how to answer people when they asked, “How are you?” If I told them how I really felt (mistreated, undervalued, fearful, angry, and depressed), my response would have been either misunderstood, or the person listening might be nonjudgmental, then they might feel like they needed to rescue me from my feelings (a job that really only God could do).
So, I decided to answer with what I was choosing to do: I was making choices that I knew would get me to a solid emotional place again. When people would ask, “How are you, Pam?” I would answer, “I’m choosing joy.”
Dallas Bible Professor, Howard Hendricks, used to tell a story of listening to people answer the question “How are you?” with, “Pretty good, under the circumstances.” He thought that this was the wrong perspective, so when someone would answer him with “Pretty good, under the circumstances,” he’d reply, “What are you doing under there?” The only way to get out from under life’s circumstances is to choose joy. Joy is a decision, not just a feeling.
"A cheerful heart is good medicine” (Prov. 17:22). At the peak of my spirit-crushing change, when I felt suffocated by sadness, unable to breathe because of the heaviness of depression, I made a decision. If I feel like I’m going to die, then I will die laughing! Bill and I have always valued laughter as a healing agent. We email jokes back and forth, slide funny cards under each other’s doors and work, and share humorous stories while passing in the hallway. As I laughed and made others laugh, I regained hope, strength, courage, and clarity.
Embrace change by cultivating a big view of God. Go after great information on the change, practice praise, then choose joy. The result will be the ability to handcuff those hormones and make them fall in line to focus you forward to gain the lifestyle you desire. One of my favorite quotes is on a bookmark that I use every day, “It is never too late to be what you might have been” (George Eliot). Who do you want to be?
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