Finding Friendships

If you had told me five years ago that I would be writing an article on friendship, I would have laughed in your face. Growing up I was never great at making or keeping friends. While I’m not shy, I am an introvert who has always gained energy from being alone, so investing in friendships is a very thoughtful choice for me - I know that it will drain me, but I choose to pursue them anyway. I have decided that this is what it looks like for me to be poured out for Jesus. He clearly asks us to love others and there is no better way to love those around us than to commit to them as a friend and to walk together through the mountains and valleys of life.  

We are actually wired for relationship. The Bible tells us in Genesis 2:18 that it was not good for the man to be alone. And when Jesus was asked the greatest commandment, He first said to love God, and second to love your neighbor as yourself. If that weren’t enough, what is the very first thing Jesus did before starting His ministry? He makes some friends. He calls 12 people to walk with Him through the most grueling season of His life. He models our deep need for friends. 

If it’s such a deep need for us, why is it so hard for us to form flourishing friendships? Investing in friendship takes work. For many of us, it must be an intentional choice or we will never do it. However, there are things we can do that make forming friendships easier. 

Do you ever long for your younger years of being a kid? It seemed so easy to form new friendships back then. Remember, you were stuck with the same bunch of kids in your class and one of them just took to you. Maybe this happened when you went off to college. I was on a club synchronized skating team in college and met some amazing women on the team. One in particular just seemed to get me, and each day after classes we would stand or sit in each other’s doorframe and chat. Time seemed to stop as we shared all of the ins and outs of our days. 

I feel like no one ever warned me that when I entered adulthood, it would become significantly more difficult to make friends. Why aren’t my relationships as intimate as with my childhood or college friends? Why isn’t it as easy as when I was a kid? 

I know the answer. Working full-time, keeping a house, being married, having kids, going to school, taking care of our parents—things like these pull at our time. It’s not the same as our younger years when we had fewer commitments. 

Maybe the time restraints aren’t the struggle for you. Instead, you are thinking, “Where do I even meet new people? I barely see people as I drop my kids off at school or as I barrel into my shift at work. I wish we could go back to the days where people just hung out outside or actually stopped to make small talk instead of flying through life so fast they don’t even see me.” 

If you can relate to these sentiments and this is the predicament you find yourself in, it’s time for a change. Choose one of the tips below and commit to trying it out this month. First, stop and talk to God. Tell Him you want a new friend. Ask Him if there is something or someone, in particular He is calling you towards.  

Proximity

Look around. We each live in a community, have routines, and typically follow the same basic pattern day after day and week after week. I had a season where I was working with preschoolers at church. I saw the same group of volunteers every Tuesday night. There was a woman who was about my age. One night I got up the gusto to ask her to coffee and the rest was history. We knew we would see each other every  Tuesday and it was great to be able to plan to hang out before or after we served. Why not try connecting to someone because they happen to be within your proximity? Be brave, step out, and strike up a conversation. 

Common Interests

What is something you really like to do? I joined a Zumba class through my town’s park and recreation department. The very first day I was introduced to five different women, all of whom I have gotten to know better over the course of the class. If Zumba's not your thing, craft stores offer classes, and libraries have regular book clubs. This might even be a great time to connect to a class or study at your church. Find something you love to do, and get involved and meet some new people. 

Change a Habit

To change a habit, you must do something new. If you typically eat your lunch at your desk, go to the cafeteria or take your bag lunch to a park. Stop by the same coffee shop or restaurant regularly? Try picking a new one. Make sure it is something different from your norm and that you strike up a conversation with someone there. If you are prone to stay at home watching TV alone or with family, decide to invite someone from work or your neighborhood to watch with you instead. 

Be Set-up

My husband is amazing at this. He is always connecting people. If he finds out someone is applying for a job at a company and he knows someone who works there, he will connect the two via email or reach out to the current employee and see if he would be willing to meet with the applicant. You may be thinking, “How do I get set-up?” The next time you hear someone in your sphere of influence say, “That totally reminds me of Elizabeth” or “You and Jill have so much in common,” chime in and respond, “Elizabeth and Jill sound really cool—would  you be willing to connect us?” Be bold and allow those you trust to connect you with others in their circles. 

What courageous step are you going to take toward a new flourishing friendship? Step out in faith and see what God will do. 

~ By Krista Heinen. Krista is a pastor who desires to help the next generation understand their place in God’s story. She has her B.S. in elementary education from the University of Wisconsin-Madison and her M.Div. from Bethel Seminary. She and her husband, Greg, live in New Berlin, Wis.