My Name is NOT The Pastor's Wife!

Arrgh! Someone just introduced me as “The Pastor’s Wife” again. Did you see the expression change on that lady’s face when the introductions were made?

I often wonder if I would be perceived differently if I were simply introduced by my name. The first requirement of being a pastor’s wife is to be a Christian. Therefore, I must pursue an understanding of my role as a “Christ follower.” Romans 12:4-8 says that each Christian has particular gifts that contribute to the whole body. Take a peek at the varied expertise displayed by friends who are also in the pastorate.

• Ginger excels in music.
• Michelle has a burden for youth.
• Claudia hungers to disciple the young married women in her congregation.
• DeeAnn is a wizard with crafts and thrills others with her gifts.

Viva la Difference! If I tried to copy the talents given to these women, I would negate God’s plan for me! I must therefore pursue my own identity. 

In Home Sweet Fishbowl, Denise Turner affirms that “the ministers’ wives who realize their potentials are the ministers’ wives who have broken free from all of those smothering molds.” 

Sometimes, the process of understanding my gifts involves trial and error. I can try many things before I might find my own niche. I struggled with the decision to get involved in our Thanksgiving banquet. Because of the Lord’s tugging at my heart (not because I felt obligated as “the pastor’s wife”), I plunged in with both feet. Afterward, my aching feet were not jumping for joy, but in my heart I knew I had done the right thing.

The oddity about facing a question of obedience in the ministry is that the issues are not so cut and dried. Who can complain about the workaholic husband? He’s doing God’s work. If I have a bitter spirit, I am only blocking my relationship with the Lord. True, my husband needs to find balance, but I have to be responsible for my own attitude.

One of the privileges of being in ministry is helping others realize their potential. What fun it is to see another gain self-confidence while pursuing her God-given gifts. In my role as a pastor’s wife, I am fortunate to be able to use my gifts to mentor others and offer positive feedback.

When I am thrown into leadership positions because I am married to the pastor, I am faced with two choices: I can do it all myself or I can learn to delegate and equip others to reach their potential. When I see myself as the only one who knows how to get the job done right, I cheat others out of the opportunity to develop their own gifts. 

There is a fine line when it comes to taking on jobs in the church. As I learn balance in my walk with the Lord, I gain discernment for the time to step in, and the time to bow out.

I am finding that people don’t want a “perfect” pastor’s wife. On one occasion, when a parishioner dropped in unexpectedly, she found a house strewn with toys and the couch cushions arranged as a fort for my two preschoolers. “What a relief,” she said, “to find out that you live like the rest of us!”

People are looking for down-to-earth leaders with real problems, who will love them unconditionally. When they see how we deal with difficulties, it reaffirms that they can make it through hard times, too. We could rewrite 1 Tim. 4:12 to say, “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are a pastor’s wife, but set an example for the believers in what you say, in your lifestyle, in how you love them, in your walk with the Lord, and in innocence.”

As a pastor’s wife, it’s not my job to fulfill a role expectation, but to be an example of how a Christian applies her faith to everyday life. The next time I am introduced as “The Pastor’s wife,” I’ll remember to just be myself and laugh over the preconceived notions of titles. What better way to begin as friends than over the music of shared laughter?

~ By Sally Ferguson