Don't Take it Personally

One of the first tasks we learn as toddlers is sorting and categorizing. All the red buttons here, all the blue buttons here. Later it gets more elaborate: all the triangles here, squares there. Then we distinguish verbs from adverbs; reptiles from amphibians. Our brains are designed by God to look for patterns and sort and categorize. Think of where this has taken us today in terms of commerce, libraries, and computer science. But we should be more careful about categorizing people.

When the new pastor Joe, and Betty his wife, come to First Church of Grace, the Grace members do not really see Joe and Betty. They see roles: “pastor” and “pastor’s wife.” They draw from their past experience and the brain files them in pre-determined categories. Now if the last Grace pastor was a sweet and humble man, Joe will be expected to be as as sweet and humble. If the previous pastor was a perfectionist, the congregation will expect Joe to be a perfectionist. They will project their expectations on Joe as if he were a blank screen.

Betty is compared to the last pastor’s wife who perhaps may have been an extroverted, accomplished musician - someone hard to replace. So in comes Betty with her introverted insecurities and desire to please. Some think she has a “holier than thou” attitude. They believe she is looking down on them because she is quiet. Her shyness and fear doesn’t fit into their categories. And then, their own insecurities come out. They project onto Betty: she doesn’t like us. She didn’t smile at us. Her kids were jittery and I haven’t heard of any musical support that she can help us with, like we always had in the past.

Projection means putting your own thoughts and feelings onto someone else, like a movie projector putting a show on a screen. It means thinking you know someone else’s thoughts and motives. And then acting as though those images were the truth. Pastors and their wives sometimes make themselves more easily projection screens when they hide behind their roles. One of the most frustrating things in ministry is being accused of not liking someone that you’re actually quite fond of, but the other person refuses to believe it. You may even run into someone suffering from a mental illness, who dangerously projects the fantasy that you can read her mind or control her children from being hurt.

The way to lessen projection is to be authentic and to be patient. Let people see you as unique and multifaceted. In your interactions, risk being vulnerable. Don’t play into the role of the stereotype.  Little anecdotes about a favorite food, a hobby, a simple personal problem makes it necessary for others to mentally resort, and discover who you are.

Stepping back and objectively realizing you are being judged subjectively can help you have thicker skin and to not take it personally. Realize that in time the other person may know your true heart. God knows who you are - stay connected with Him, with yourself, and with friends who know you well. Vulnerability is always risky, so keep a boundary on it. Share things that are true but not exceptionally deep or painful, in case it is used against you.

Some people will never accept you and your husband. They want the previous servant back. Human nature takes over at times. If the previous pastor was dearly loved and missed, the congregation, like an angry toddler, will want “their pastor” back! And you are someone else. It may be an uphill struggle. On the other hand, if the church has just come through a split, or they had to fire the previous pastor, or he was a very difficult man, you may have clear sailing, because the church just needs to be fed and loved, or then again they may be suspicious. They will see the two of you as a welcome gift or need proof that they can trust you.

Ministry leaders also can project unto their flock. Giving a sermon… (Or being the wife looking around) seeing all those faces…someone asleep, someone frowning, some leaving, some intense, some nodding, and some smiles. We have to admit we have no idea what is going on in those people’s hearts and lives at that moment. Maybe they have to go to the bathroom, maybe they had a fight with their teenager, maybe they are really tracking with the sermon, and maybe they are convicted by something he said. You’ll never know. If you are really struggling with somebody, you may need to do a reality check with that person. Ask a certain council member if they think you are being too controlling. Ask that woman who always looks so angry how she is doing. Ask the church secretary if you have offended her in some way. When things are out in the open you are dealing with reality.

However, sometimes you will hear a litany of your husband’s faults and failures. It is not unusual for a person in pain to lash out at the church. And, as leaders, you may represent “the church" in their mind.” Maybe they have learned they have cancer, maybe their spouse has been unfaithful or maybe they’ve lost a job. People don’t know where to go with the great angst of their feelings.  The church is a prime place to act out anger. Therefore, don’t jump into taking it personally. Try to look behind the angry harsh face to a place in their life that may be the seedbed of their feelings. You are just their sounding board. If the problem is a real one, don’t worry, you will hear about it from other sources.

The church is full of complex human interactions. You may be a symbol or object in someone else’s mind. Try not to take everything personally. Remember other people are sorting out issues and you and your husband are prime targets. Keep a boundary on your heart. Proverbs says, “above all else guard your heart.” Look to God, your spouse, your family, and yourself to know what is true. Then don’t take it personally or don’t let shame pull you down. Jesus was certainly falsely accused of doing and saying things. Then it led to a horrific judgment and He was nailed to a cross in shame. Yet He bore our shame! No shame or accusation could cling to Him. His love will never fail you.